Coping with a N/S
Source: Coping with a N/S
Feeling trapped in a damaging relationship with a Narcissistic/Sociopath? What to change? Want a better life??
Source: Coping with a N/S
Feeling trapped in a damaging relationship with a Narcissistic/Sociopath? What to change? Want a better life??
30 thoughts on “Coping with a N/S”
January 6, 2016 at 7:46 am
I read the transformation of a narc-soc. I have questions for Jess.
January 6, 2016 at 1:52 pm
If i can offer you any of my knowledge i will gladly do so.
January 6, 2016 at 2:22 pm
I will see the person tonight at worship service. I know he is what you used to be. I don’t know how to act around him so he doesn’t confront me later after service. Not any details, I know probably would help but this is my first day of realization. I’m a mess.
January 6, 2016 at 2:34 pm
I shouldn’t have done this. I’m new at blogging. He’s going to find out.
January 7, 2016 at 6:12 am
In regards to what truth said, lets just say hes already set you as a target, keep your social media general, he doesnt need to know where you are or what your upto, which will not force him to feel a need to create in his head more of a reason to plan/plot anything, dont let him goad you into any form of a confrontation that is on his terms, most of all dont believe anything he says, some of it may be “based” on a truth but its is 99.9% a lie.
January 6, 2016 at 3:18 pm
I’m sensing a lot of fear in connection with your post. Are you physically afraid of him? Is he a friend, or supposed friend, or someone who has set you up for a target? I know that Jess will have suggestions for you that you might try. But for me, I suggest you avoid him if possible, or if not, then be polite but distant. Do NOT encourage a relationship, or furthering a relationship. Love yourself and do what is right for you.
January 6, 2016 at 3:37 pm
First question, yes. Second question, relationship many years and in reference to Jess’s comment, in the discard phase. There is someone else now. Bless you both for hope.
January 6, 2016 at 3:42 pm
In the discard phase most likely means you are hurting. What I’d like to suggest to you is that you shift the hurt to gratitude – gratitude you figured out his personality, gratitude you are no longer involved with him, gratitude that you are now stronger and smarter and can move in a healing way along your life path.
You are the fortunate one in this scenario. Focus on yourself, God loves you and you are magnificent!
January 6, 2016 at 3:50 pm
As to tonight at church, be your happy, smiling self. Share love with those around you. Show that you are unaffected by his behavior and basically ignore him as if you are glad life has moved on for you and are grateful he did you a favor by being in the discard phase. Your attitude might surprise him, and might encourage him to try to reel you back into being under his control, but don’t allow him to do that. YOU are in control of YOUR life.
January 19, 2016 at 4:47 pm
Wow, I am a newcomer on this website and how I came about it is a familiar story to all the people blogging on this site, of this I am sure. The N/S in my life is my 22 year old daughter, who by the way, just turned 22 on the day of this posting (Dec. 5, 2015) I cannot stop reading, yet this all makes me feel sick to my stomach just as well. My mother, who is now being cared for by my brother, is N/S as well. Every moment from the day I discovered the similarities between my daughter and my mother, I wanted so much to believe that these coincidences were just the thoughts of an artist in the making. At least with regard to my daughter. Both my daughter and my mother have been blessed with artistic talents I can only dream of having and they act as if the gifts they have and their abilities are nothing. They can both pick up anything and learn it , only by self instructed sessions mind you, but within a matter of a minute or a day they can learn a craft such as crocheting or painting or creating something from a piece of wood, whatever it is they both seem to be blessed with so many artistic talents, and I cannot even draw a stick man without it coming out looking like a stick man. They have so many similarities and without going into my life story and all the important details, they have barely spent 3 days together since my daughter was born, yet whenever I am talking to one about the other, they both, without experience or knowledge of this about each other, will start to explain to me what it is that the other is doing. Example: I am with my daughter and an issue comes up about something that makes me think of my mother, so I tell my daughter about the experience, or I at least begin to tell her, and I’ll say,. “I don’t understand why she was like that or why she did that” and my daughter, who as I said before, has no experience with my mother, will begin to explain to me why she did that or why she was like that, without hesitation or pause in wonder if she actually really knew what she was saying to be the truth. Aside from the constant exaggerations and lies, they both seemed to know this truth about one another, with no doubt in speaking for the other. I used to think this was really eerie and freakish, now I know it is. It simply comes down to “it takes one to know one”. Right? This is only one minor example of this thing they both do, however neither of them seemed to ever have an interest in getting to know one another or spending time together. I believe it is because they already knew one another from the very beginning and who has an interest in spending time with someone you already know so well and see as more of a competitor rather than a relative when it comes to spending time together. My daughter once confessed to me, as I asked her, “Why don’t you want to get to know your Grandmother at all?” That was a dumb question in itself since I spent most of my daughters life telling her all of the scary and negative things that happened in my life due to my mother being as she was. But my daughter confessed to me one time, I’ll never forget the way she said it either, it was very creepy, she said, if Grandma and me were in a room together for more than an hour, we would find each other too much competition for one another and we would both be fighting over who got the spotlight. She said they were both attention hogs and they would just end up not liking each other. I was taken back by this comment as my daughter was only about 13 at the time. I have always known with both my mother and my daughter, what they have known about each other. I have always known that neither of them were 100% all there. They both were extremely selfish, my daughter took more selfies with her cell phone than she used it for its intended purpose when I first got her a cell phone for emergencies. I mean she took an unusual amount of pictures of herself. I knew this wasn’t normal and I would tell her of these stories that my grandmother would tell me of being vain and how it never turned out good or happily in the story. I warned her of being conceited or admiring herself too much and how it wasn’t cool and eventually others would think she was strange and possibly make fun of her for it. It never detoured her from continuing to adore herself. No one ever did make fun of her though, she was quite a student in school. Unapproachable by most, including boys. Grown men have feared my daughter, in the sense they believed she would either hurt them physically or they just felt threatened by her presence. I personally adored that quality in her, and am guilty of using that quality as a shield in some situations in my life, because I was too much of a woos to have that strength in persona myself. I guess you could say, I am guilty of encouraging her behaviors, not that I knew what her behaviors meant exactly at the time, but I encouraged them in her as a protection and defense mechanism and I may have screwed up in doing so because of it. I am going on way too long here, let me just say this and then I will stop. I believe after reading all of these stories, well experiences more the correct word, I am excited and disappointed at the same time, that I have found what it is that is wrong with my daughter. Now that I have gone on so long I cannot possibly go on today of what it is that brought me hear, but the gist of it is that my daughter has cut all ties from her brother, who she has always had a special bond with and has lived with the past 2 years. He and his wife have supported her and protected her and have let her be who she is, all the while giving her a place to live and they have wanted to live alone together for some time now, but have allowed my daughter time to try to get her act together and find her independence without pressuring her. They have been nothing but excellent to her, she has cut them out of her life, and what can I say, I have loved no other like I have loved her. She was the funniest child and though I was near my death many times following her birth due to postpartum depression of the extremest kind, she would always make me laugh or smile and give me purpose to see through another day. She was a wonderful and tolerant child with love and intelligence beyond a mothers hope. She was my rock, my purpose, my everything and when her abusive father came so close to destroying all of us by inflicting every form of abuse possible on us, I finally got the nerve to drag my withered soul out from under his overbearing and threatening being of a man, and I finally got her and I out of that close call and to higher ground, a safe place away from all of that, where it wasn’t exactly paradise, but it was a new beginning where we could start our lives over, and no matter how tough in the beginning that is was for us, we made it to see her graduate high school, get a decent job and begin her life with the potential of success and not the doom we were bound for, had I not left my 2nd husband. We succeeded together as a team. Well I sacrificed so much more than her, but that’s another story in itself. Now she refuses to speak to me and has told her new found boyfriend that I am dead. Yep Dead! I don’t know all of the details but I was crushed and destroyed from this whopper of a lie. Just when I started to see some light and began a plan of how we would work together to fix this, I hear from my son that she is now pregnant. Carrying my grandchild and I am dead to her and her future beloved. It gets even better, she told me when she first started to date him, he was 30, okay she’s 22 he’s 30, no biggie right? Turns out he’s 40 and is of another descent and culture, I wont say which, doesn’t matter to me, but his view, I don’t think his culture is fond of their loved one’s lying about their parents being dead. His culture is very family oriented and very close and family is everything. She has not or will not tell him the truth. I have found my little girl to be of N/S personality and I am lost. Broken hearted, broken spirited and scared to death for this unborn grandchild of mine’s life. I have no idea what to do or what I can actually do to make it right or to work it out. Is it possible to fix? What do I do. I apologize for the excessive writing, its all that I have at the moment to keep me from the deep end. Thank you for any comments or advice, though I know that the power of prayer is truly my best hope at this time. Thank you all for your blogs and may we all learn to live among one another peacefully and carefully. God help us all.
January 19, 2016 at 8:28 pm
As I read the positive feedback of truthlover5, I feel some sense of hope, yet I am also aware that every blog and comment to one another, the opposing sides are exactly that. Each is on opposite sides to the extreme and as beautiful and soothing as truthlover5’s words are and likely what needs to be heard desperately, I also am questioning if we are on such opposed sides, what hope is there for me ever getting through to my daughter? She will always be on the rebellious side as are most children whether teen or adult when it comes to our encouraging them to live a certain way, or we impose our opinions on their lives. Do I have any hope at all that she will ever have the feelings or considerations I raised her to have or that I pray every day for her to have? What will she teach her child? Is she using this child as a tool to have what she wants from this relationship? She has always professed to me, and even to her so-called love of her life, that she never wanted to be married or to have children. She always has said that to me to the point I quite believed her and therefore never much counted on having grandchildren from her. Now she holds all the cards doesn’t she? Keeping her family at a distance and keeping him right where she wants him. She knew he wanted a family at this point and time in his life and now she is the one who will provide that for him, but at a large cost I am sure. Starting their lives with all of these horrible lies isn’t exactly a recipe for a successful outcome for anyone, except possibly her, because she can manipulate it the way she wants to all the while keeping anyone who might destroy her plan, at a distance. What about him? I read in one section of this site that if they have a relationship with anyone and it lasts or is successful, it is usually because their choice of partner has an equal amount of problems or is as equally screwed up in some form or another. What can anyone out there tell me to comfort me and help me think anything other than my thoughts of devastation and destruction that this is all leading to and with my grandchild caught up right smack in the middle of it all. Who can help me to rest my mind and ease this constant frustration of worry and hopeless feeling of doom. My God I feel as though I gave birth to a monster. Why? Why? I feel defeated by the Devil. I also feel like it was my creation and I am partly responsible for all the pain and destruction she is causing. I don’t feel that for my mother, but I certainly do for my daughter. Is there any hope at all?
January 20, 2016 at 9:02 pm
Unfortunately she needs to be the one to want to change, no matter how much you tell her. She sees nothing wrong, to her shes living her life exactly how she wants and its totally normal. The amount of paranoia in her head and the thoughts she most likely has. They are what she believes totally normal and that everyone else has them. You did nothing wrong, you have no reason to take blame, could have been a million reasons she turned out the way she did. Might have been how she was treated in school, how a boyfriend treated her, at some point there was a trigger and everything else developed from it. My trigger was at a young age when i realized i had the ability to control people by using their own feelings against them. I was only able to see what i was after someone (an EX) who i “believed” i was better than in every single way stood up to me and stood up for her self. Its and event that no matter how much planning someone did it could not be duplicated. Just trying to make a point about how hard it is to get through to someone who is a NS.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 6, 2016 at 3:24 pm
LMN, what age is your grandchild? The children are the ones to protect. Unfortunately, Jess is right in that your daughter makes her own choices and you cannot choose for her. However, children are something to watch out for and to love and to show a better way. If she is physically abusive, then the child should not be with her and in her home. Do you know if that is so? I suggest you find a local nonprofit that works with abuse to see if there are any actions you might be able to take?
March 4, 2016 at 2:06 pm
God is hope. Get the book, Lord Change Me!, by Evelyn Christenson. If the library does not have it, order it from Ebay, $3 and some change. I was sent this book via a good friend, at the worse period in my life. Read it, digest and ingest, every word of it. There is hope, believe me.
March 4, 2016 at 2:57 pm
Thank you for posting the book suggestion. Like you, I know that change is possible, BUT the person has to want it. All things are possible with God.
January 23, 2016 at 4:06 pm
What you said helps and counts for allot because I can kind of figure some things out by remembering when she began to become more intensely this way. I appreciate hearing from someone who has been through all of this. It sounds like you are getting past this, how did you do it? Or how are you doing it?
January 23, 2016 at 7:35 pm
Dont know how much of my story you have read, if any, but i got a tattoo on my left arm of a semi colon, my personal meaning for it is “This is where my story begins”. Every single time i started to think or do something that is a behavior of a NS i could look at it and remind my self im better than that, and thats what keeps me going. The key to that is to remember that the past doesn’t change, nothing ive done can be undone, but i can change what i do on a daily basis to make tomorrow better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 3, 2016 at 7:49 pm
You know what….. You are so right! But what if you really can’t change what you do on a daily basis? What if you attempt to change what you do and things just go the way they want to? People say we all have control over our own lives, I’ve always believed this to be true, until now. Now I don’t believe I have control over anything. I have lost all control over the way my life goes. Since my daughter has forsaken me and she exiled her brother and a long time ago her father, and now she just turned 22 on Dec. 5 is living with a man old enough to be her father, (40) and I have been blocked in every form of communication with her, by her. Oh yeah, did I mention this gentlemen has knocked her up and she has told him that her father and I are both dead! That’s right Dead. I have been the best mother I have known how to be, making mistakes like every parent does, however, I believe my biggest mistake by far was to believe the mainstream when they say, you are in control of your own life and your own destiny. B.S. I would never steer things into the direction my life has gone since I discovered my daughter to be a NS
What self controlled person would steer themselves into a fog so thick they can’t see if there is land or icebergs out there? Why are we supposed to be so responsible for our own lives any way, it seems to me the divine has got it all handled for us, we are just along for the ride, he is the real guide, Is he not? Doesn’t the Divine have all of the control? What we have taught ourselves to believe that we are in control, is simply a coping mechanism to not go insane! Okay, whatever you want to believe is right for you, for me, I’m sticking with “Someone else is steering and they have control”, If I had control, why would I hit an iceberg?
February 3, 2016 at 9:53 pm
If your daughter is the NS, then he is the one that is who should be felt sorry for, you just happen to be in the cross fire. I dont know her agenda, but in a similar situation, depending on person, if it served purpose id cut off contact from family or friends, in order to gain control in some facet of their life. The first scenario that pops to mind is hes protective, and shes trying to seem like shes from a totally broken home. On a side note, if we arnt in control, then people would have alot less to worry about, you could walk down the middle of a freeway and not die because you were pre-determined to live until 75.
February 9, 2016 at 3:17 am
First a reply to your comment Jess. I hear what you are saying, but for one, we don’t have privilege to the knowledge of what is planned for us. I mean, if I believed honestly that everything was pre-determined, then I would believe that this situation with my daughter was part of the plan. I don’t know what I believe any more. I believed my daughter loved me and I believed she knew she could always come to me with absolutely anything and I would do my best to not judge her, but to help her or support her. Her biggest fear has always seemed to be being judged by others. She has a severe insecurity about being judged, yet she judges others without hesitation. I have tried to teach her as I was taught, to judge yourself before you place any judgement any where else. I think she mis-understood what I was saying and began to judge herself on every little detail and then began to wonder if every person was doing the same. I believe she judged herself so strongly that she finally caved in and said that is enough, no one is going to judge me, I will simply cast them away from my life so I won’t be judged by anyone but myself. And now she judges herself, but finds little or no flaws. As long as no one from her past is involved in her life, no one can make any judgement on her and how she now so chooses to live her life. In other words, no one who really knows her can be a part of who she is now, that would blow her whole fantasy and expose whatever lies she has made up to become someone different than the person we know. She is trying so hard to escape that person and I don’t understand why. She hasn’t always been a happy person, but she also hasn’t had much opportunity to develop the person we know and have loved all these years. Now she is becoming an adult and she wants to escape who she was to us, to become someone else for ……
Actually I don’t know who she wants to become someone else for, if it is for herself or if it is for this new supposed love in her life. She doesn’t even know what she wants from life and she’s already committed herself to this man who is a stranger to her family and she doesn’t even want to offer the chance to make this whole thing work as a family together? She wants to do it all on her own? This is not what I have tried to raise her up to be like. I actually didn’t force her to be any certain way, I know forcing never works, nor is it fair, but I shared with her many things that I believed in and still believe in strongly, but did not force her to believe in them or practice them, I merely suggested them. I suggested to her throughout life that family is not always just blood relatives, family is who you make your family. It is the ones who are there for you always, through the good times and the bad times and through the hardest times in your life. They are the ones who see you at your worst and love you no matter what. They are the ones who love you unconditionally. I thought of all the things I shared with her, this was one of the things I’d hoped to instill in her, and now that seems to be the one thing she wants to destroy. I will never be able to figure out why she wants to hurt me so badly. Why doesn’t she want me to be a part of her life? I am the one that has loved her the most and unconditionally. I have always supported her and done my best not to judge her or place any head trips on her about anything. I have always allowed her personal space, privacy and independence to make her own choices. Maybe I was to free and not strict enough, but I just knew that would push her further away. It seems everything has been the opposite of what I believed things to be. I know I am going on and on, but I cannot help it. I am so confused by who she is, never did I influence the cold and calculated methods she has used against me to keep me out of her life. I would have rather heard her just say it instead of killing me off and making it entirely impossible to be any part of her life or her child’s life. By the way, her child is still unborn, but if I am right about any of this, I am guessing she will be having a baby girl who will probably be just like me. That is not a wish upon her, that is just what happened to me. My daughter is exactly like my mother. Ugh! I really hate to hear myself say that, I am not exactly my mothers biggest fan. I have my reasons. Believe me though, I have not given my daughter any reason to treat me like this and everyone I know that has known me to be a mother to my daughter, knows this to be true, they have all said so, and I believe them. I blamed myself for so much in the beginning of all of this, but now I realize I did nothing wrong, I raised her the best I could in difficult circumstances and with all the love I have to give. I love her so much, why does she hate me and want to hurt me so much? I better stop now, I’ve gone way off course here, I am sorry, there is so much to say, but more important, so much to understand. Back to your point Jess, If we weren’t in control, you say, we would have a lot less to worry about, that could be true, but only if we knew that we weren’t in control. Do any of us really know what the truth is? Aren’t we all playing a guessing game? Do any of us know for sure that the almighty God has a plan for each and every one of us? I mean where do you think this idea began? In the bible, there are so many contradictions which I find very frustrating when it comes to having faith. I do believe in a higher power. I do believe there is a greater being existing as our ultimate guide and judge. But I find many of the stories in the bible hard to believe. The stories were from so long ago, and written so long ago, everyone knows how a story can change when told from person to person, each time gaining a newly added part, a piece of that persons creative twist on things maybe to spice it up or maybe that is just how they heard it, but not actually the way it was told to them…I mean when has any story stayed precisely the way it was told? There is always something just a tiny bit different each time it is told until it becomes far from the story that was told the very first time. Do you agree or not? I realize this blog is based around and steers toward the influence of religious ideals, I am not trying to insult or undermine anyone or their beliefs, to each is own, but I am trying to make a point here…..
Where is the absolute in any of our lives? How can we have control unless there is absolute, and how can there be absolute when there is nothing of reassurance or proof? Control would equal trust, would it not?
If your in control, it means you trust your vehicle you are traveling in. Your vessel, vehicle whatever the case may be, there must be trust to feel comfort in knowing you are in control right? Who trusts anyone or anything these days. We are in a world of constant skepticism, who do you trust? Who can you trust? and do you trust yourself? again, apologies for the lengthy blog
February 6, 2016 at 3:40 pm
We have control because we have free will. Each person is responsible for their own choices. Each person is responsible for where they are in life right now. If you don’t like where you are in life, you have the option to make better choices for a better result. Many of our decisions are made from fear, not love. Any choice we make from fear turns us into a direction we really don’t want to go. Some times we think that decision is the ‘safe’ one.
As to your daughter, pray for her. That is a positive action you may take. Turn everything over to your Higher Power that knows what is best.
Let’s start with your comment about having trouble changing what you do on a daily basis. Yes you can. You might feel that circumstances locks you into certain choices, but there are always better options.
So I ask you, what in your daily life would you like to change, to improve? Start with one thing. Let it relate to you.
Please stay with me on this and don’t give up. God is trying to reach through to you, but when in fear, we often don’t listen, or don’t trust the answers and guidance. Open up a dialogue with God, your Source, your Unlimited Supplier, Pure Intelligence, whatever name you choose to call that incredible Power of the Universe that loves you unconditionally.
I’m here to help you with that. Stay with me on this. Better things are coming your way.
February 9, 2016 at 10:38 am
My past is quite dark, the things ive done and the thoughts i had are quite unpleasant, and i believe im in total control of my self, im a firm believer in the chaos theory. From every thing bad that happens, something good will always come from it. Its easy to focus on the bad things in life and if anyone here knows alot about that, its me. Does god, if hes out there watching, have a plan? maybe. I dont know about you, but every time ive had a plan nothing goes exactly according to it, id see it as more of a structure with boundaries.
Your trying to blame your self for how she turned out, why would you try and take blame, you did your part, from there its up to her, she makes those choices, after the age of 10, you can no longer take blame, everything a person does after that its pretty much by their own decision.
February 9, 2016 at 8:47 pm
I agree with you that God takes what seems tragic and turns them into victory – something different, more wonderful than what we imagined.
The best plans are those in Co-Creation with the Creator, like a partnership. The amazing things about plans is the Divine has a better one and we are to be open to even better ideas as life moves along.
February 9, 2016 at 4:18 am
I hear what your saying and to some of it I am familiar in what I grew up believing. The other side of it is, I don’t have the fear i used to have when I had my daughter living with me. In fact I pretty much walked on eggshells when she lived with me, because I was constantly trying not to do anything to screw her up. She had already been through enough with her father and myself. We were in a bad relationship that was definitely only going to a bad place, at the very end of it, I got out, but first I asked her if she thought we should try to get out of where we were. You have to understand the history is basically another abusive relationship where my husband being a severe alcoholic and Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde personality when he drank. Actually he got to where he rarely didn’t drink, but every time he did, he somehow would be abusive to me, whether physical, mental or emotional and it began as soon as I brought our daughter home from the hospital. Don’t get me wrong, he was never abusive to our daughter Shannon, he adored her and she could do no wrong. Daddy’s princess. He was very attentive to her and proud as can be to be her father, but somehow, somewhere in there I became the “Sitter”, the “Cook”, the “Maid”, etc. I began feeling less of a person and not to mention I was experiencing Post Par tom syndrome to the extreme. Any way, long story even longer, She became my protector. If he threatened me or started getting violent with me, she would stand up to him and start telling him what a jerk he was and she would begin to make him feel bad about himself , not about what he was doing to me. That wasn’t her intent I am sure, she wanted him to feel badly about what he was doing to me, but being the abusive jerk that he was, he chose to feel bad for himself, like he failed his daughter and not that he was hurting me. He treated me like crap, he talked to me like I was a piece of crap and the only thing that could stop him from carrying it into physical violence and keep him from
hurting me, was her. She became a sort of shield for me. My hero, how sad is that? Well I believed I owed it to both her and myself to get us out of there, so I asked her how she would feel if I convinced her dad that we were all going to move to a better place and a better life than where we were, I was offered a very good job which included a home and utilities paid. The plan was to actually leave him behind and her and I would go on to live that new life and start new, without him. I had to know how she felt about doing this, as well as I was scared to death, I was so unsure of the whole thing, but I felt staying with him would destroy us all, I had to do something to not let this relationship destroy us. I asked her how she felt about doing this on the sly. I mean without him knowing we were planning on doing it all without him, but convincing him he was a part of it. One of the worst things I felt I ever did to a person, the worst lie ever…..Her response, well she didn’t bat an eyelash. She already started packing in secret, she managed to not let anything slip (at age 11), and was ready in an instant to get out and get away from him. We did it, we triumphed and we began a new life together. We managed although it was very difficult in the beginning, but we became an invincible team. We spent the next 9 years defeating any difficult obstacle to come in our ways, and we did it together. I kept saying, I just want her to make it through High school, then I will feel like I did my job and I can feel good about what I accomplished. I felt we conquered the world together and I wouldn’t trade one moment both good or bad times of it. I thought she felt the same, but now I know, she doesn’t feel the same. What I mean is she really doesn’t feel the same way most human beings with emotions feel. She wasn’t feeling anything, at least I don’t think she was. She has shown me a side to her that has led me to believe she truly is a N/S in so many ways. She doesn’t share the feeling that our experiences were ones we should cherish always and appreciate the time we have had together as a mother and daughter and even as friends at some points. We really were fortunate to be able to have that time together in our lives and now I find out, I am the only one of us who holds the memories of our time together as the most precious gift in my lifetime. She seems to remember it more as a time where she was in a shell and when she came out of that shell, she let down her guard and fell for a boy who broke her heart. She recovered like I’d never seen anyone get over a first love, first broken heart. She got right back out there and began socializing and going out with her girlfriends. Never moped around depressed in bed all day like most of us, she never showed any remorse and I knew she had to be devastated. It was from there I believe, began the N/S that has quietly developed to who she is today. I don’t believe she’ll ever love completely again. This 40 year old man is not the love of her life. She is having his child. She proclaimed to never want to have children, never much liked children either, especially babies. She said she would never likely marry, she hasn’t yet that I know of, but then again, I know nothing of her life right now, she refuses communication with me. Has blocked my calls, my texts and email. No way to contact her, if I did, I would expose her impossible to explain lie, that I am dead. And if I don’t contact her, it says I don’t give a crap. Damned if I do;;;;;; Damned if I don’t.
What kind of plan is that? What kind of control lead us to here? What is this all for? What does any of this matter in the end? Isn’t it just the end? Is there life after this? Will it matter? Does any of this matter at all? What purpose do I serve? I used to know, I used to believe my purpose was to be the best mother I could be and spend as much of my life with my children and their children (should I be so lucky as to be a grandmother), and to leave this earth knowing I contributed two of the most beautiful human beings on this planet who will be of extreme significance and serve an amazing purpose themselves. Now I am so lost and bewildered, I don’t know what purpose I am serving this moment. I don’t feel success any longer, I feel defeat and failure and nothing anyone says can make it better or can make it go away. That is that, can you fix another victim of N/S or at least direct me toward the healing light that can?? Why would God let this be a part of my plan? I don’t want to hear “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” either, I want to hear why God would do this to my family? What in his plan is good about any of this? If it isn’t good, it isn’t God right? So where is the good and when will I be privileged to see and feel goodness again? Have God answer me that and maybe I can once again feel a part of humanity and feel I am contributing my purpose. It all seems so irreverent now. Here I have gone and done it again with the over-blogging spilling my guts to the extreme. Well thank you for listening or reading or whatever, but mostly thank you for sharing, it does help whether I sound like it or not, this is not my everyday me. I don’t think it is? I don’t know… I hope not.
Thank you again for letting me vent/blog/annoy/take up space……
February 9, 2016 at 8:40 pm
ANSWERS TO LMN:
LMN: She became my protector. If he threatened me or started getting violent with me, she would stand up to him and start telling him what a jerk he was and she would begin to make him feel bad about himself….
TRUTH: Good for your daughter! What a strong girl and at a young age. During her early childhood is when she started protecting her own heart, too.
LMN: She doesn’t share the feeling that our experiences were ones we should cherish always and appreciate the time we have had together as a mother and daughter and even as friends at some points…
TRUTH: Yes, they were moments to cherish. You were a wonderful mother and she a supportive daughter. But life advances. Often we get stuck in the memories of life and forget to move on. You did a good job as a mother, but you are more than that. You are a spiritual being, and now you have the opportunity to develop your life as you choose, in co-creation with your Creator. You are not dependent on your daughter for your happiness. You are dependent on the Inner Guide within you for all that you are and choose to be. Open a dialogue with that Higher Power as to what is right for you now. Your life isn’t ended, it is just beginning. Be open and accepting to the Divine riches coming your way. I sense that once you get your own strength and life going in a positive, healthy, healing direction, she might be more willing to establish a new relationship.
LMN: She seems to remember it more as a time where she was in a shell and when she came out of that shell…
TRUTH: I’m sure she did feel as if she was in a shell; she felt it necessary to protect herself, her heart. I’m sure she felt betrayed by her father, and then betrayed by her first love. But being the strong person she became, she went on with her life. Good for her. Other than that I can’t say one way or the other if it is more than that, like NS.
LMN: What kind of control lead us to here? What is this all for? What does any of this matter in the end? Isn’t it just the end? Is there life after this? Will it matter? Does any of this matter at all? What purpose do I serve?
TRUTH: Lots of excellent questions.
1) Our choices lead us to where we are in life. We don’t blame the Higher Power. We don’t blame anyone or anything. What we do is realize that if we don’t like the results of our choices, then we have the opportunity to make better choices in order to receive better results.
2) What this all is for is to know we are love, created from love, and we are to embody this love by living it, sharing the love so freely given to us. The love we receive is unconditional, without judgment. We are not to judge ourselves or anyone – that is not our responsibility. What we are to do first is learn to love ourselves unconditionally, without judgment, and with compassion, and THEN we can love our neighbors as we love ourselves.
3) This is all for growing and learning and realizing that the smartest decision we can make is to surrender everything to that Pure Intelligence that knows what is best for us and will bring us bliss. The smartest awakening is when we realize that God is our Unlimited Supplier for all of our needs – not a human (husband, daughter, friends, career…)
4) It matters because we have free will and we may choose to increase our spiritual life path and know that everything is spiritual. That is the direction for our highest good.
5) It matters because when we raise our vibrational level by being love, we then inspire others to connect with their Source, helping lift others beyond the chaotic confusion in the world of ego. We are not to fix anyone. We are to love the truth of who we are – God in Action – Love in Action.
6) As to your purpose, yes, you have one – and I would say you have more than one. Everyone does. You served as a mother, now you will have another purpose. Go within to find out what that is.
7) Remember, you are not alone and never have been. You are not to even consider doing this alone – that is the lie of separation – when in Truth you are One with the Greatest Power in the Universe. Ask, allow, accept, listen, trust. Then know that miracles are already happening.
8) AFTERLIFE: We are only temporarily in this physical shell. Our REAL US is Eternal. I know this without doubt. If interested, you might check out a site http://www.near-death.com where people share their near-death experiences.
Relax, breathe. Get quiet. Ask. Listen. Trust. Your life is just beginning.
February 10, 2016 at 6:05 pm
Each NS has a plan, for the most part they have a full year planned ahead of time, they know the goal of what they want accomplished and keep a mental note each time an event disrupts that plan, if something disrupts that plan at some point. They will stop everything and go to work on what ever it was that stopped the plan. You are part of her plan, what that is i can not tell you as i dont know her, if i were to meet her, id be able to tell you pretty quickly. Because i know the tricks and triggers of a NS to get them to talk about them self, which is a feat in it self believe me. An NS doesnt respond well to erratic behavior, they respond to normal behaviors and reactions, for example, if i were to kick you in the shin, you are going to say ouch and possibly grab your shin then ask why did you do that.That would be a normal response, however, if you were to start laughing and say “wow that was a laugh riot! You are amazing!”. The NS would all the sudden break down inside and start blaming them self for doing it wrong and possibly causing them to doubt them self. This example is absurd i know, but its intended to be a crude example of a NS thought process. Ok anyway back to the point, She has a plan and in some way you are involved and there is a requirement of having no contact with you, it could possibly have nothing to do with you, may not even have anything to do with the guy shes with, but somewhere she needs the appearance that she doesnt want to talk to you. Most likely it has nothing to personally do with you, i know that may be hard for you to understand, but when you have no emotion, it doesnt matter to you to inform someone its not personal.
February 11, 2016 at 11:39 am
How did your (EX) stand up to you and for herself for you to see your True Self? Did she tell you what she realized about you? Or was it more about herself? Maybe both?
I’m asking you these questions I want to confront him so I have closer to end this hope in my heart.
But he could use what I say to manipulate me.
If there is that one glimmer of hope, like you, I should try.
The fact is his plan for the new lover begin 6 months before I moved where we are now. I have been in the discard phase for a year an 8 months.
He says, “I will always love you.” Even though this relationship is based on lies (sin), it is hard for me to end it after ten years.
I loved him more than God or myself.
Thank you Jess, your comments help me to breathe and give thought before I react.
February 11, 2016 at 3:15 pm
Well it was her actions that ultimately did it, she told me the things i did to her, the behaviors i had, the type of person i was, none of that bothered me what so ever, she wasnt the first girl to say it to me, and at this point i know for sure she was the last to say those things. But it was that she gave up custody of her child to the child’s father so that she could legally move out of state(theres a few more details in here id rather not mention) just to get away from me, that was the action that caused me to look at my self, simply telling a NS what they arnt isnt enough in my opinion, each NS will be different but they need something that will stop their normal thought process and cause them to see what they are, and then they need to be willing to do something about it. For me personally, just being told wouldnt have been enough to cause me to want to change, it was everything that came next that ultimately did it.
July 25, 2016 at 8:07 am
Hi. Wow, reading the above really helped me realise my position, I have been having therapy and it is slowly dawning on me why things happen like they do and why I feel like I do! My mother is N/S she does not appear to want to change in any way or to look at herself or reach out for help. I fear it is too late for her now. She has always run me down to people behind my back telling them that I am very confused and I cannot be relied upon, that I exaggerate and elaborate things etc. (she does not have dementia, this has been her story for all of my life and am now mid 50’s) There is a history of incest abuse during my very early childhood and as one of my perpetrators (she doesn’t know that I remember) I’m guessing this is what she uses to ‘keep the secret’ so to speak. Somehow I always forgive her of everything, minimalize her actions and make excuses for her. My biggest excuse to myself is that I don’t want to be as cruel as she appears and therefore cannot ignore her (She seems to have cut everyone else off) or has she??? now I am doubting just about everything she has and does tell me! The thing is, I feel fear, fear that if I don’t call her she will do something awful, although I am not sure what and to whom. I have cut down my calls from daily to one or two a week (she hardly ever calls me) and now she is acting very strange and telling my daughter that I accuse people of things they have not done? calling my friend at the estate agent where she works and telling her she wants to move but they must NOT tell me?! I am just ignoring this but it really hurts. I am trying very slowly to cut right down on all contact but I feel I need to protect my daughter from her (although my daughter is an adult an finds her grandmother very strange and difficult so she does not have much contact with her anyway)
What is my mother likely to do? I feel she has no boundaries and although she does not seem to like me (she will tell you she is and always was a perfect mother that dotes on me) she is acting strange because she wants me in her life to control it seems, but the more distance there is between us the more ‘normal’ I feel. I also feel so sad at the situation, we all want a mother who loves us.
July 25, 2016 at 6:26 pm
First, I’m inwardly urged to assure you that you are loved by the Divine – no matter what. Whether or not your mother loves you, the Creator who created you from Love, loves you without condition. You are at the moment of awareness when you realize you are your own person within the Divine, your Inner Power. What matters to both you and your daughter is for you both to love yourselves. What I’m saying for you is for her, too.
The only one you can control is yourself. That is where you power lies – within you from the Great Power. You cannot change your mother – that is a choice only she can make. Her life is her choice, as is the results of her choices.
The same is true for you. Your choices create your life. Your wisdom is in asking your Creator to help you co-create your life. When you do that, you receive the best of life that is yours to claim – and the best is magnificent!
Go inside to your Divine Guide and open a dialogue, a discussion, ask questions, and even argue if you don’t understand. But ask! When you do this you are not only reclaiming your own life, but you are setting a strong example for your daughter.