Purpose of Page: SUPPORT
Transformed from an NS
Dealing with someone who is an NS is extremely difficult. They will be unwilling to change and most likely see nothing wrong with their behavior. If pushed some may become physically violent, but all of them will start a mental attack. They will mentally attack your physical attributes, mental prowess and anything they saw as a flaw in you. Which they have made you believe that you have, which i assure you that you don’t, its just something they have convinced you of. The suggestion that i give is to get away and stay away once you have classified them as an NS. Yes, i have changed from a NS, it was very difficult and it took me almost a year to even begin to make progress.
For the first 6 months i was fighting an uphill battle with my own head, the 1 thing that I kept thinking was “How can anyone be ok with doing the things I’ve done to countless people”. I was an NS for as long as i can remember, 20-25 years at least. So convincing my self that something was wrong was the hardest thing i have ever gone through. Yes, they can change, but there is pretty much nothing you can do but hope they see their own behaviors and then the desire to be a better person and change it. There is 1 thing that all NS have in common, they are extremely determined and when they set their mind to something, they will accomplish it. So the blocks are there for a change, but they need to be the one to decide to make it.
The purpose for this page is to provide a venue for you to discuss options how to personally cope when in relationships with a narcissist/sociopath. What options might you have? What support groups are available? This page is for those with questions about their own situations to see how others cope with challenging personalities, and examples of what worked or didn’t work for them. Please remember, only you can make the final choice as to what is best and most healing for you.
Read through the resources on this site; there is much good information. Look at the link on Gray Rock that includes suggestions on how to respond to this damaging personality in order to encourage them to lose interest, or, to give you time if the situation is dangerous and you choose to escape. Also, read Jess’s Transformation page. It reveals how at least one NS thought and acted, and the motivation behind that destructive behavior; you’ll also read about Jess’s transformation from a Narcissistic Sociopath to a productive life, showing that yes, change is possible. I’ll add, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD.
Ask questions by posting your issues here. There is a better way for you – a way to a happier life. RECLAIM YOUR POWER!
21 thoughts on “Coping with a N/S”
December 5, 2015 at 1:23 pm
[…] Coping with a N/S […]
January 23, 2016 at 12:26 pm
Stay away from them if that is possible . There is no cure!!!!!!
January 23, 2016 at 1:16 pm
You are mostly right about there being no cure, but if you read Jess’s Transformation page you will see there is at least one who was able to change their personality. It took extreme determination and will to do so, and from my viewpoint, Divine Intervention.
That said, you are right that removing yourself from that toxic situation is highly recommended. You can only control what happens to you, not the one with the personality trait. Do not think that you can ‘fix’ anyone, or get them to change. You can only focus on yourself, love yourself, and turn yourself over to the Higher Power that knows what brings you joy and happiness.
This is especially true if there are children involved. Break the pattern. Choose a better life.
December 21, 2016 at 11:08 pm
I am at the beginning of a divorce from a raging narcissist. I believe now that he is sociopath as well. This site helped me to read up on traits that he clearly expresses. I am leaving because I want to show our 7 yr old daughter that this is not a healthy relationship. I don’t want her to grow up and marry someone like him. I am trying for full custody bc if he has even a Little power, he will abuse it and torture me mentally. Our daughter refuses to be alone with him. She has been scared of him most her life. Any advice
December 24, 2016 at 11:35 am
So proud of you for loving yourself and your daughter enough to make the choice to do what is right for your and her happiness. You are also correct in that the pattern repeats if a better way isn’t experienced. Self-empowerment is important for both of you. Now is the time.
The fact that she is frightened of her father and doesn’t want to be alone with him hints of potential abuses of which you might not even be aware. Just a caution. You might want to have a gentle, loving discussion about this at some time while the scars can be more fully healed.
What is also important for her and you to know is that you are not alone. She is never alone. God and your guardian angels/spiritual mentors are with you always. They are there to guide you, to give you strength, to reveal that you are one with the Power of the Universe, and that power is yours to access every moment. All you have to do is ask, and allow. She needs to know this so that she realizes she isn’t impotent/helpless, that she has the Great Love as her co-partner and co-creator of her life (and yours) – her partner, her best friend forever if she gives permission and allows. Of course, the same is true for you, and for everyone, but at 7 she might not realize that truth for her.
You are both loved, unconditionally. We are to learn to love ourselves and others as we are loved, without conditions. That doesn’t mean you allow your husband to be abusive toward you – that is an enabling behavior. Loving yourself means you only accept love as God loves. Respect.
Treat others as you wish to be treated, but say ‘no’ when that treatment isn’t loving.
Let me know how you and your daughter are doing. I care.
February 13, 2016 at 12:48 pm
[…] Coping with an NS […]
May 13, 2016 at 12:04 pm
Your reply to Franklin is compassionate however 99.99999….% of narcissists will only see compassion, mercy, or grace as a vulnerability and a means to gain further leverage.
So 99.99999 % of the time Franklin is absolutely correct.
“Stay away from them if that is possible . There is no cure!!!!!!” !!!!!
If you must, because of children or your heart drives you to continue to grant grace, proceed with extreme caution.
May 13, 2016 at 3:14 pm
I agree with you about caution. I also agree that, most likely, 99.99% will, out of fear, choose to remain as they are instead of choosing to make that change.
I do know, without doubt, that if one chooses to change their personality trait in order to have a better life, that change is possible if they want it badly enough.
As a result, I do believe that “With God all things are possible”. However, because of free will, the person must make the determination to change.
Please read the Jess Transformation page of how one person, with determination and hard work, make the decision and changed their life.
If the person you are with chooses not to change, then do not try to ‘fix’ them. Stay away from them. Go on with your life.
If you have children, then it is imperative to get them into a loving, caring, safe situation. If not, you risk that your children will learn by example and adopt the same traits, which means a horrible life for them, too, with numerous invisible, perhaps lifetime, scars. It is up to you to break the devastating cycle for your children. Many Narcissistic Sociopaths had abusive childhoods. Make sure your children don’t follow the same path.
Turn everything over to Divine Wisdom and Guidance.
December 26, 2017 at 2:08 am
If she doesn’t want to be alone with him that explains alot doesn’t it. I don’t want to be alone with mine because he has physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally abused me for over 20 yrs and he still treats me like ****. I was practically raised by my maternal grandma and my mom until when I was about 5 and my dad started abusing me when I was about 6 to 7.
But, still misleads people making them think that we are thick as thieves and pretends to care, but charms/sells in public which is what he does best being a born salesman. He could’ve been a lawyer the way he argues all the time until people see his point, they give up and he wins and has vindictive motives with people wanting to “Take them to court/sue them”. He shows no remorse or empathy and IDK why my mother puts up with someone like that. He is more verbally abusive behind my mothers back and in front of it they are “Helpful suggestions” judging and belittling like he is doing me a favor.
He has a selfish hidden agenda and doesn’t care about anybody else but himself, only apologizes to redeem and is “Nice” when he has an angle. he doesn’t lie but is manipulative, twists what he says and what i say. He also emotionally blackmails me and my mother (unknowingly, with a genuine heart) enables him and puts up with his **** because he is going through a hard time/in a bad mood or having (epileptic) episodes. But, newsflash it is not a mood it is his personality his grandiose pain in the *** personality.
But may I just say, I may not be a parent but I know what positive vs. negative influence/reinforcement has on a child from being isolated/depressed/anxious from my father and happy/content enjoying life having around my mother and I commend you for your concern with your daughter, wanting to help your daughter rather than enabling the problem causer, never solver aka one parent (Grandiose Narccistic) personality issues and antics Rini. You said she was 7?
Looking back at that age, I think between 7 to 12 are the most vital years in developing socially and I am sorry don’t know the whole situation or sound judgemental but sounds like he is not helping because your daughter doesn’t want to associate with someone like that because she is so intimidated, afraid of what he might do and I understand because I know from experience but am emotionally blackmailed to have a voice.
Still, I hear the same bs things every day “I am not saying this to be mean”; Everyone does it; No excuse/Don’t have the last word or playing the blame game 2x this week already, some sort of abuse and I am sick and tired of it. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. The whole narcissist concept just makes me sick because she deserves better and he needs to admit he needs help because he thinks he’s perfect, entitled, borderline sociopath. I only hope the best for your daughter and whatever happens she is no longer abused in this situation and surrounds herself with more positive than negative people. If she doesn’t want to associate with him then he may be more obviously abusive maybe it is for the best. because even though I am much older, what I went and still am going through it is nice to know you are not alone.Thanks for your thoughts on the whole thing.
August 18, 2016 at 10:43 pm
[…] Source: Coping with a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS) […]
December 27, 2016 at 7:14 am
I have a stepson who is your archetypal sociopath – many years ago this absolute horror tried and almost succeeded in driving me mad – no one believed what he was doing – he had been taking my medication and mixing it in the yogurt drink i had, he was listening in to conversations and reporting how happy he was that his father and i were not getting on, he was saying to his father how he just could not understand why i was not nice to him – this all came to light when a letter he had written to a girlfiend feel out of a notebook – i had been trying to tidy the pigsty he had made out of MY spare bedroom.
To say it was a relief to know i was not going mad is an understatement – i showed the letter to my doctor and she said the man was a scoiopath… Fast forward a few years and this horror marries the nicest girl i have ever met – i was TERRIFIED for her and rightly so as it turned out. He did much the same with her because he could not get his own way.
I never ever want to see this man again – i truly believe he has these personality traits/disorders from his beloeved mother who is another abolute horror.
Thank goodness he is not in my life and never will be – from now on in, I will not tolerate people like him and to an extent his sister anywhere near me Selfih? No, more a case of self preservation.
December 31, 2016 at 12:18 pm
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, but glad you know the truth. Did you not show the letter to the father of this son?
Does the son’s wife know she has a place to go for refuge? To you? Or to a nonprofit that deals with abuse? Because this is abuse, no matter what label we put on it.
You are right. No contact.
What is extremely helpful though, is to open up continual contact with God, your Unlimited Supplier of love and abundance and wisdom. Allow a Divine partnership for you. You’ll be amazed and grateful.
Let me know how you are doing. I care.
May 7, 2017 at 12:26 pm
I believe I was in a relationship for the last two years with a NS. I am of the belief that hurt people hurt people, and I struggle between walking away forever and having mercy and compassion. He has admitted to things he’s done, but I don’t know that I can ever trust him. He kept lies and secrets from me since day 1. I feel like I’m stuck in this loop, as my mind is trying to make sense of it (impossible, I know.)
I believe in God, and I believe that we are all worthy of redemption and love. I feel torn between Mercy and taking care of myself, if that makes sense. I know I need to stay silent and go NC, but all I can say is I am really struggling. He definitely emotionally and verbally abused me (never physical), and would try to make me think I misunderstood or dreamt it up (even if it was right there, in black and white, via text message or email). I believe there have been smear campaigns, but I’m newer to the area and don’t really know too many people in common with him. But the worst part is after all of the long heart-to-heart convos where he confesses and apologizes, says I’m the only one who calls him out on his stuff, trying to analyze himself…he switches tenfold in the other direction. It’s like as soon as I think there is a crack in the false persona, he uses superglue to put it back together, causing a worse level of callousness and disregard than the time before, and he now acts like I never existed. Total silent treatment. I don’t want to feel torn and broken anymore. I’m lost.
Thank you for listening…I’ve never posted anything before.
May 7, 2017 at 1:17 pm
Sometimes walking away IS acting with mercy and compassion. Foremost, mercy and compassion for you. But also mercy and compassion for your relationship and for the other person. When we continually allow those caught in the negative and damaging behavior to pull and manipulate our emotional strings, their intent is to use those strings to control us. Allowing such behavior means we are enabling their destructive behavior and actually contributing to and strengthening their conviction that they are right. Not walking away can be merely entrenching their behavior and then they don’t feel they need to change – they get power from using other’s power.
What is right for you? You cannot ‘fix’ him. Only he can change his behavior, but he must choose to do so. Your responsibility is to take your adventure called life and make it the best life possible for YOU. You do this in partnership with the Divine. Stay in 24/7 Divine communication that is Pure Intelligence that knows what is right and best for you. Trust that Divine guidance. You’ll be amazed at how your life and feelings about yourself start moving in positive directions.
You are not lost. You’ve become aware of his harmful behavior, realized it isn’t for your best interest, and are now found. You have found that your life and life choices are yours to make, with your Spiritual team that is always there for you. Remember, if the situation isn’t right for you, it isn’t right for anyone.
Unearth your long-buried dreams. Listen to the urgings of your heart. That is where your passion and destiny are cradled, within your heart. The seeds planted there by the Divine are a roadmap for what brings you the greatest magnificence. You are magnificent. Live the life you are meant to experience – to the fullest. Be the love that you are, at all times. Your being true to you and who you are – God’s love in action – is healing for you and for the world.
Let me know how you are doing. I care.
May 7, 2017 at 2:45 pm
Thank you so much for responding. The timing was perfect, and I definitely needed to hear that. I have been through a lot in my life, but nothing has gripped me and confused me like this experience. I desperately want to move forward beyond the trauma and pain. I want my old self back.
I will keep praying and commit to moving on as best I can. Again, thank you. Your support and this site helps a ton.
May 7, 2017 at 4:54 pm
Excellent attitude. Just remember, you are not alone in what you are experiencing. You have the Power of the Universe inside you. Use it!
June 13, 2017 at 10:58 am
I’m so glad I found this site. I met a guy a year and a half ago. This guy swept me off my feet and 6 months into the relationship we ended up moving in together. He took me on lavish trips, gave gifts constantly. He charmed his way to my kids and friends. Everybody loved him. Then temper started creeping blaming it on his PtsD. Then I start catching him with lies and always called me crazy and I was insecure. The kept a daily schedule. Very predictable for the most part. I’ve noticed things that comes out of his mouth. Lots of lies, manipulation and had me questioning his character. Make a long story short, all the accusations of cheating finally came to a stop when I caught him with text messages. This man came home every night telling me how much he loves me and to ready to get married while all this time messing around with who knows how many. After being caught, all he could say was the entire time, he was not faithful. How can a man continue to live a lie and not feel a bit of remorse for anything he was doing and instead blamed me and accused me of anything under the sun. I was trying to find answers until I finally read up on this.
June 20, 2017 at 3:30 pm
I have just ‘stumbled’ onto your website and cannot express how thankful I am for it! I was married, 30 and a half years to a socio-narc. Long story short, I realized, shortly after marriage, that he was not who he’d pretended to be. I was not loved or honored. I was, and am, a Christian who believed that ‘God hates divorce’ and that as I continued to walk in love and honor, eventually, he would become more Christ-like. He knew the Bible better than I and ‘pretended’ to be a strong Christian. He kept me prisoner in his web of lies and deceit. Only, by the intervention of God, did I learn of (at least one of) his affair and his actions the week of, and night before, or wedding. I was expecting our 3rd child. He pretended to be repentant; I, with my naivete, forgave him and all was restored. ( Family members and friends never heard about it or any of our ‘troubles’. ) I thought, this was the breakthrough and that his life would be changed. I was wrong and he just kept pretending….stringing me along as I helped him build up our successful businesses and as I taught our children to respect and admire their father.
I had never heard the word Narcissist, nor did I know of the reprehensible actions he committed, through the years. Reading all the ‘how to be a good, Christian wife’ books did not help. I do not belittle these books, which are excellent for the typical couple. I am thankful that, ultimately, many facts of his behavior were revealed, in our last year of marriage and following our separation.
I haven’t read this entire site, yet. Jess’s story had me glued to the computer!! I am so thankful to hear that, true, heart change is possible!! I have been separated/divorced for 6 years, now. I am happily remarried. My question regards my children, all of whom are adults, now. My youngest was 13 at the time of separation and just turned 20 and is considering going to China, near his father, as a student, for a year, at least – this being arranged by his father who went there to hide our businesses and to enjoy the many ‘comforts’ he found easily and cheaply. His father wants my son to help him with the import/export business.
MY QUESTION IS: How much of the facts/truth of their fathers actions over the years, and more so during the years following separation and during divorce proceedings should I reveal to my kids? Their father has them believing that he is ‘still’ a strong Christian and that he is leading Chinese people to Christ, etc; also has them believing, generally, that the divorce settlement was fair and that I have been ugly, hateful, and trouble causing in the courts – all lies. Our children know that their father ‘tends to exaggerate’ as does his mother, who they all revere.
I know, above all, to listen to the Holy Spirit in this. Exposing very ugly things about their father seems a bit cruel toward my children and that is why I haven’t, fully, done it. I think, too, I may still have a bit of ‘fear of man’ regarding what ‘he’ will say and do; add to that my children may think I am being vindictive, which is something I keep needing to check my heart on.
ADDITIONAL COMMENT: I wish I’d known of such sites as this, and of the great books available to help educate us on how to interact with socio-narcs. I was blindsided as I went through the court proceedings; silly me…..I thought Truth would prevail and that by filing for legal separation my son and I would be protected and that our businesses would be fairly split. As I became more wise (the hard way!), I knew that I wanted to help other families going through such things. But, one of my biggest desires was to “prevent more narcissists from developing”. (i liken my former husband to an alien or robot, though, he seemed full of life, fun, and all emotions to the average person) I had no inkling of how to stop the process of them being reproduced, but to help families in crisis. I am very thankful to hear that this site is, actually, reaching and helping people struggling with those symptoms to be healed. With God, of course, all things are possible!
June 20, 2017 at 5:23 pm
You’ve experienced a challenging relationship, but I admire you for figuring it all out (as much as possible with these personality disorders). Self-love comes top on the list, and that is love of yourself. So, walking away was self-love on your part. I can tell from your comments that you’ve grown and become stronger, which is the advantage of being the one dealing with the NS person, rather than being one with the personality issue!
As to what to say. Let’s talk about TRUTH. The only way anyone can make the right decisions is from a basis of truth. Might you be actually harming your children by not being honest.
You already have a strong relationship with your Divine Co-Partner. Open that dialog and ask your questions from your Spiritual Team. Ask what to do, then listen carefully for answers. They often come so quickly you’ll doubt you heard anything. Answers also come through in other infinite ways from the Infinite. Be open and aware for those answers from unexpected sources, like music, a book, a snippet of conversation, or a feeling in your heart.
I don’t give advice in that I tell you what to do, but I make suggestions that you can take to your ongoing Divine conversation.
This is what is coming to me for you: As I mentioned before, truth is all that should be of consideration. However, what is important is to share that truth from a position of love, not anger or fear. When you are sharing the truth from love, you still get the information across, but it is shared for what it is, not for any retribution or to make him look less than he is. That would only hurt you. But to do so, hopefully, in a quiet, loving (love for yourself and your children) setting, share the facts without judgment. It is what it is. If the children rage back at you, then stay calm and in the truth. Stay within the Divine that is also within you. Ask Jesus to be with you during your meeting and ask him to speak through you. Truth heals. Lies never do. And if you are not telling the truth, then you are telling lies. That is unfair to everyone. Once your son is aware of his father’s personality disorder, then perhaps he can decide what he wants to do. You can even ask them to look at this TRUTH BLOG for them to better understand what you experienced and are still going through with their father. Then, support your children with your love. They will need to make up their own minds, and that might take time, but they will eventually discover your accuracy.
My inexpert opinion is that this personality disorder stems from something wrong or missing in their childhood, something so painful they closed off their hearts, determined never to be hurt again. They also shut off their emotions, which means they don’t feel as others do. They become controlling out of fear and for survival so that they no longer feel impotent. Again, this is my own supposition.
Take all of this to God, Pure Intelligence, Divine Wisdom, your Unlimited Supplier that supplies all of your needs. Surrender it all to your Creator, then follow what is put into your heart. Do it from love. Always from love. You are love. Be that love. Be a loving example for your children.
Let me know how it all goes. I care.
Suggested Reading: “Divine Messages from Jesus”
February 1, 2018 at 5:08 pm
My wife has me confused. She spends more time on social media saving dogs than she does loving me. We have sex 1 time a year maybe and she’s only 28. She always is mad for no reason also and fights happen for spilled milk. Its always a conversation until she says I am talking over her which she actually does to me 100% of our conversations. She earns the money and holds it over my head lightly I will admit she could be worse. I have to go now she’s walking around and scaring me a little we just fought bye bye.
August 14, 2019 at 9:48 am
[…] Coping with a N/S […]