SUMMARY of JESS’S TRANSFORMATION PAGE:
This year i have gone through a good amount of changes mentally, At this point i am more than comfortable calling my self a recovered sociopathic narcissist, I have been in contact with Truth for most of 2015 and have bettered my self. I hope that my experiences can help people detect one, and maybe even allow the knowledge i have to assist in making the best decision for you in whatever you are going though with a Sociopathic Narcissist.
If You are a Sociopathic Narcissist and are looking to change, i am proof its possible!
But it took everything i had in me to even begin to make that change, It was not easy by any means, and there were times i thought it would be easier to just keep doing what i knew how to do, but i don’t want to ruin lives any longer, I want to assist anyone i can so they too can better them selves.
UPDATE FROM Jess:
November 16, 2017 at 9:41 pm
Just to kind of update everyone, including Truth. I have managed to turn my life around 180 degrees, have a 2 year old, and have another on the way, I’m married and i couldn’t be happier, I have not reverted back to what i once was, and i no longer have that fear, it is my past and that is where I intend to leave it. Change can happen, but it begins with in. Truth helped me see things deep in my self and i was able to figure it all out. Thank you Truth!
This amazing blog page is about the miraculous transformation of Jess, the Reluctant Villain, into Jess, the Transformed.
This page reveals that no matter whether you are in a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath or are suffering from this personality trait, there is always opportunity to change your life for the better.
The information is a compilation of blog posts and private emails stretching over six months between Jess and Truth. As you read them you will see the subtle shift through Jess’s seeking, wondering and asking questions, until the miraculous moment when he has a lightning bolt experience that turns his thinking and life around.
You might also note that the Truth comments to Jess are applicable to anyone, no matter who they are or their situation – Eternal Truths are Eternal Truths, beyond any one religion or no religion.
This page is not for advice, but for education only. I am not a medical expert. I serve in spirit-led ministry to help people reconnect to the Truth of who they really are – one with the Power of the Universe, Pure Intelligence, Divine Wisdom, Higher Power, Unlimited Supplier, God, whichever name you choose for the Invisible Force that is available for all to access and use. When you tap into that Divine Connection, and turn your life over to the Pure Intelligence that has all of your answers and solutions, then expect miracles in your own life. God bless you.
5/27/2015 10:34 pm
First posting from: Jess (the Reluctant Villain)
I speak as a soc-narc, I know what I am, i know what ive done to people, and honeslty ive never cared, Im not posting this to make fun of anyone, though if i was i again wouldnt feel bad about it, We thrive on social “normals” they are so very predictable that we know what the outcome will be long before you have began to process what we are doing to you, Love is a concept to us, I personally dont understand it(dont need to so dont care), but i know what behaviors society expects from me and use that to my advantage, If you break up with us.. again we thrive on the “normals” we expect no contact, but we enjoy knowing that we hurt you to the point you need to stop contacting us, we know your really hurting inside and it drives us further to carry out our later plans to get you back for anything we feel you wronged us for.
If you break up with one of us, be 100% irrational, if it makes sense, dont do it, because we are waiting to see that “normal” behavior so that we know we own control over the situation, if you see revenge or think you can bring us down in some way, dont forget that we dont feel emotion the same way you do, its all a form of control for us, its a bend but dont break thing, we will make it seem like you won with a oscar award winning performance of tears and fake emotions, But feel nothing inside, in that moment we are reading you, seeing your reaction and figuring out a way to to turn your recent “win”, into a long term game of chess in which only we can win.
We have planned the relationship from day 1, we knew it would end, and if it doesnt end on your terms, we will eventually move on as we see our “needs” arnt being met, from the day we met you until the way we left you, or you left us, we never loved you, i know you cant understand how that is possible but that is because we dont think the way you do, we will quickly throw the word “love” out there after our charm has won you over. But as i said, its a word, i know alot of words, and each one has equal meaning in my mind. Confuse us after a break up and run for your life, dont give us time to plot our next “strike” and if you know the next girl we are with, move on, because we already convinced them you are not the person you say you are.
5/28/2015 7:35 am
Truth responded at:
Jess, thanks for this post. I know you don’t expect thanks, or perhaps you do, but I express it anyway. In some ways I’m surprised you understand yourself with the clarity and honesty that you obviously do. In ways most of us do not, you know yourself – to a point. You don’t know the Real you, the Eternal You, the one behind the false facade that is more than you can possibly imagine.
You also receive a sympathy from me you do not want and won’t process as intended, but sympathy that you are the one who lives with your personality 24/7 – others can walk away, but apparently you cannot. Sympathy that something happened to you in some way that makes you think and react in a way that does not understand or experience love – love, the emotion that brings joy along with the hurt, and can be healed again – the part you cannot yet feel and leaves you in a shallow existence.
Sympathy in that without love it is extremely difficult for you to understand your Truth and connection with your Higher Power, for God is Love – a Higher Power you most likely reject as only for the weak of mind. A sympathy for you for the imbalance that you are continually in your head and never your heart.
I do not judge you. Actually, I’m impressed by your own understanding of your personality. I’m saddened that you are emotionally injured, for love is where the feelings are, and something has cut you off from experiencing that fullness of life. You are experiencing the mental side in this round of physical existence, but you aren’t experiencing the emotional heart-felt side that adds the depth and richness to all you are and can be.
And through all of that manipulation, what do you gain that is of any deep lasting value? I give you sympathy for that as well. I know you don’t want my sympathy, but there it is anyway. My feelings aren’t hurt at your cold and humorous reaction to it.
What I know for you and that you will deny is that you are not your personality, although that is how you’ve identified yourself. You are much, much more. You are One with your Source even though you will reject that Truth as laughable and for the weak.
I realize you don’t seek analysis, and I’m not really asking for it, but as a research question can you think of anything that happened to you in your past, or even another lifetime, that makes you crave insatiable, unhealthy control over others? A moment when you felt impotent and helpless and so you wrapped yourself in this false shell of protection so that you will never again be hurt?
You don’t have to answer, and I know you are chuckling at the predictability of my questions and comments. That said, I wish for you an enlightenment, an epiphany that reveals to you that you are so much more than you believe you are. You are of God. And God is love. I wish for you that someday you can actually feel what love is from within your own heart.
5/28/2015 10:58 am
I guess you could say I’m intrigued by how people try and understand me, I learned at a very very young age that I could look someone in the eye, say something and if I said it a specific way they would do things that suited my need.
Don’t mistake my post for that of need of praise, I’m intrigued by the idea that someone can understand what goes on in my head.
To answer the question better, to be honest I didn’t have that bad a childhood, divorce in there bout age 6 but who doesn’t have that now days?
What do I gain from manipulation, ok I’ll try and put as best I can, you have a conscience, well so do I, but it works more like a mirror, it tells me I did something wrong, but instead of trying to stop me it wants to see the reactions what ever I did generates.
To be honest I don’t “feel” a need to gain something from manipulating or controlling someone, again you are attaching an emotion I don’t adorn, I do it because it provides a challenge.
5/28/2015 2:36 pm
Im not here to scare readers, i just happened to stumble on something that peaked my intrest, Its not like people like me go around picking on people, we dont go into a relationship with the intent to destroy things, we actually think the next one can be the one where we finally change.. Imagine a puzzle, been in the attic for years, pull it out, get it all set up to find 4 pieces are missing of a 2000 piece puzzle, well those 4 pieces were the corners of the puzzle, thats what we think each relationship will bring, the corners to the puzzle.
Band-aids dont fix bullet holes.
5/28/2015 3:03 pm
I don’t find your comments frightening, but they are intriguing. By the way, you express yourself very well. From what you are saying, are you wanting perfection from someone else? Do you want someone who is easily controlled? What are you really looking for that you have such difficulty finding?
5/28/2015 4:09 pm
Actually what im saying is the pieces were never there to begin with, which is why I basically undermind the relationship from the start. Id say im more or less looking for a bigger challenge in someone else, i dont go after those who are easily controlled (no challenge), maybe girls who were recently hurt in a former relationship, as its easier to pick out insecurities and set them aside for when i need to use them later. Ive never physically harmed a girl in anyway just to make that clear, that would serve me no purpose, and accomplish nothing. Mentally however, well its probably best to leave those stories for a more private conversation as they are somewhat disturbing for a place where people are trying to heal from people like me.
I want 1 thing, To get my way.
And as you are also well versed, you know that thats not always possible, but thats the challenge isnt it?
I actually have 1 question for you, as i said it intrigues me, why do you feel you understand me? or rather people like me, as we all have our own agenda, I mean i can tell you have dealt with a number of people like me, but i can tell you are intrigued by me as im probably a little more open about knowing my self and what i do.
5/28/2015 6:04 pm
I don’t know that I can claim an understanding, merely what is, without judgment.
I have compassion for you for having to live with this particular personality trait, for you are caught in the web of deceit as much as the ones whom you manipulate. They can walk away. You cannot. You live with it 24/7.
I have compassion for the ones caught in your games for they merely trusted and cared. But they are now stronger, and smarter, while you, perhaps, have not changed, nor do you care to. Your choice.
I know the real you is not the personality, and by that I mean the Eternal You. You most likely will disagree with that, but that is okay.
I am in ministry and help guide people who are hurting or confused or lost to their inner Source where they realize they are One with that Oneness, and that their Source is their Unlimited Supplier – not a human – the Source that has all of the answers. But they come to me for help because they want to change their lives. While you apparently like yours the way it is. Your choices determine your life. Free will.
You say you like a challenge, but the greatest challenge for you is to turn yourself over to your Creator who created you from within love, and to ask for Divine Guidance to open your heart and mind to what REALLY is, not the illusion you weave around yourself. But that challenge makes you laugh, and is a challenge that is too big for you to accept. That is the one challenge you will not take.
5/28/2015 6:37 pm
See thats an automated response though, i can tell someone like me has hurt you or affected your life, its a defense, im not here to pick a fight, i wish to learn something about my self, and slowly but surely im getting my answer, im not looking to change, and that is something that is hard to understand, why would i want to be so cold, so lacking in emotion about what i have done and knowing what i will do.
Simply because i can.
5/28/2015 11:31 pm
Because you can is too easy. Anyone can do that and is nothing to boast about. Strength is when you can, and yet you don’t. I realize you don’t appreciate this, but my heart aches for yours that doesn’t. It aches that you don’t feel love, or pain, or joy. Surely one day this will all get too boring for you, too old, and then what? You’ll have met all the challenges and won – in your version, and lost in mine. I realize you don’t want any sympathy or pity for the curse you carry. But those are your rules, and I live by my rules. And since I do, I say, God bless you.
5/29/2015 10:33 am
I want to share with you a Divine Message I received when I asked if there was anything the Divine wants you to know. The response:
“Know that you are loved. You might not want it or feel it or understand it at this point in time, but even so, you are loved, always, and you are never alone. You are not separate from the Divine. You might feel that way, but that is an illusion. I am inside you always. All you have to do is ask.”
5/29/2015 3:20 pm
See i know what its like to be loved(at least the actions of it), just dont know the flip side of that, let me give you an example, i can say simple words and you will attach memories and emotion to it, think of a time you felt.. Happy, Sad, Angry, Vengeful, Loved, Joy. Each one of those i bet you can remember a time when you “felt” those, well i can think of a time i was expected to feel those, but didnt feel them.
See you describe free will as something we all have and choices we make, well, i follow free will quite well, except where you have a crack that stops the flow of a river of things you shouldnt do, i infact have a canyon that opens as it reaches the ocean. However i do have my own set of rules that i dont break, i know where to stop. See i understand exactly what your saying to me, i know how i should feel about it, i know what the society “normal” is for it, and can act accordingly, but inside… imagine wind blowing, it moves as it can, but once an object gets in its path it is forced to move around said object no matter what, it simply cant go through an object.
5/29/2015 4:12 pm
I have been amused talking with you, gives me some insight that I didn’t have, hope you got the same, maybe you obtained some information that maybe even some of your followers learned how better understand what goes through a head like mine, I’ll just leave by saying this and take it anyway you want, peace and love.
6/02/2015, 10:28 pm
Jess, you mentioned how a heart might become hardened, so I’m writing a potential example of how that might happen. Like, perhaps at a young age, maybe around 6, the child’s parents had an ugly divorce. He might have even been an only child. There might have been a lot of fighting between his parents for years before the divorce. Perhaps alcohol or drugs were involved. Despite his bravery, a young child would be very frightened by his world that was falling apart around him. The very people he expected to protect him were not even listening to him and he felt afraid, invisible. Perhaps especially by his mother. He counted on her to take care of him, protect him, to keep the family together. Or perhaps she had the alcohol problem and the child blamed her for the divorce. Or blamed her because she didn’t stop it. She was his foundation but she failed him. Betrayed him. She wasn’t perfect after all. She was a puzzle to you, and you discovered in a painful way that she had missing pieces, missing corners – corners of the foundation.
An experience like that would hurt a child deeply, so very deeply the child might swear he would never trust anyone again. If you can’t trust your mother, you can’t trust anyone. The child might vow no one would hurt him ever again. He never wanted to hurt like that again, and since he couldn’t count on his parents, it was up to him to make sure it didn’t happen. So he built a hard shell around his heart and never let anyone get close to him. And yet, as he grew older, every woman became a reflection of his mother, someone he could never trust – imperfect, with missing corners. Every woman he hurt was a means of getting back at his mother.
But something inside of him, so deep he barely, barely senses it, whispers there is a better way. And there is a better way, Jess. A way of healing.
6/12/2015 at 10:38 am
Where the problem lies is, i dont feel joy from it as thats again an emotion i dont know the feeling of, maybe i do? i dont how it feels so i dont know.. But its like i feel satisfied from doing what i need to “even” the score between me and who ever did me wrong, see i started to notice i had no emotion as i did things that were for lack of a better word.. heartless and coldblooded, and i did it with a strait face as i watched crying, most people feel guilt, i dont.. i feel satisfied that the score was one step closer to me feeling like it was even, unfortunatly the readers here know exactly what that means, and im not bragging about it… i see the behavior, but cant stop my self from it, and neither do i want to. Like i said im not violent, i have rules that i live by, i make them up as i go, but they do conform to what some could almost consider “morals” and ive broken a number of them over the years so i change them, but the 1 that remains is i refuse to physically hurt someone. So yes i see my behavior, but i have no desire to change it.
6/12/2015 6:58 pm
While its possible that, that is true about my mother, its also possible that i was born this way, either way i slowly developed into what i am today, i personally believe that we all slowly changed into who we are based on decisions we made through out life, ive never had guilt about a lie, as long as it gets me what im after, After reading about how people react to me, and in general act to me, i speak to inform you how i see a few things for future reference, I know how most people react to things, i know how a persons guilt reflex works, i know in general how most of society will react to things i do and say, and with that knowledge i can basically control a person for a very long time, if not indefinitely. There is 1 person who saw me for what i am, because she had been with another that was the same, and she was amazed at how long i was able to hide my self from her (2.5 years).
I have a question to ask just because i had a random thought typing that out.
Its a question of reaction, If i were to right now tell you that im not who I claim to be and am just faking to be a soc-narc just for research for a college paper.
Do you immediately doubt everything ive said, even after everything ive said, does that doubt all the sudden pop into your head? because most of society, though it may be small, will think that.
That is just an example of what im talking about, it is things like that, that make the things i can do possible, of course the lack of emotion and guilt are also a factor.
Im not going to deny the fact that its possible that somewhere inside me wants to change, as after all ive made that first step of seeing and admitting what i am, and opening up about it, but i could be this way for many many years yet and after how many more hearts and minds i break. Obviously ive done alot of thinking about this, but as ive said, i dont feel that desire to change. In the mean time, ill “humor” you, if i wanted to change your basically saying i need to accept God, is that correct?
6/12/2015 11:50 pm
It doesn’t matter what you call yourself, or by what identity, or what role you play, because all are illusions of the finite. You are far more than any falsity. You are Eternal Spirit.
You mention God. Yes, there is the Higher Power, the Source, our Creator, the Unlimited Supplier, the Great Mind, Pure Intelligence – whatever man-defined name we choose to call the unnamable – the ‘All That Is’ just ‘Is’, no matter the name. This Truth I know, without doubt. This Truth is my being, your being. You are not a separate entity but are One with this Source, created by this Source, out of the same Magnificence. It is only by recognizing that Oneness and aligning with it that one experiences the fullness of who and what they can be in this physical occurrence, because that Unlimited Supplier is where all of the answers are – the Pure Intelligence, the Power of the Universe. That is the Power of Choice – to align with the Great Mind, the Ultimate Power.
You mention ‘evening the score’; that is a negative choice with negative results in a negative enmeshment that holds you prisoner. Unforgiveness equals bondage. Forgiveness equals freedom. Which do you choose?
Choice. Cause and Effect. Your choices determine the cause, which results in the effect, which means if you don’t like the results of your choices you have the freedom to choose again, more wisely, for a more desired result, but that is merely the drama that plays out around you and is not who you are.
You mention that we all slowly change into who we are based on decisions we made throughout life. I agree – but with a correction; your choices determine where you are in life, the life you’ve created, BUT, those decisions are not who you are. They are your experiences, but not who you are. Who you are is what is left after all else is stripped away, including the delusions and the physical shell. Who you Truly are is Spirit.
6/13/2015 7:49 am
You write “While its possible that, that is true about my mother, its also possible that i was born this way… he created people like me on purpose…” I don’t believe you were born this way. Your soul is a spark of the Divinity – the Divine within the Divine, made of the same ingredients, part of the “All There Is”. Something might have happened within the womb, or after birth, in the further development of your experiences that shifted your mental concepts. I don’t believe and could never believe you were created in such a way on purpose. That makes no sense. That is saying that God created what is not God-like. The Creator that is Love creates from Love. Creation is evolution, expansion and does not go backward, only forward.
You write: “…ive never had guilt about a lie, as long as it gets me what im after…” I ask you, what are you after? What are you after, really? Control? You wrote: “…i can basically control a person for a very long time, if not indefinitely.” But ask yourself – why this insatiable need to control someone else? That is a sign you feel impotent. Something happened in your childhood that made you feel weak, invisible, without power. You are unsuccessfully trying to conquer that feeling of helplessness through the continual hunger to gain control from outside sources. If your efforts were successful, then you would not still be searching, grasping. Like a vampire you falsely seek to gain from others what you feel you do not have on your own. Power. Control. This is symbolic that you do not feel you have those qualities or you would not be continually looking for them. And that you do continue to seek those means that you have not and cannot succeed through this method you’ve chosen.
Power doesn’t come from others. It comes from within. It comes from the Great Power. And until you turn to, ask for and accept that Higher Power as your Source, then you are looking where it does not exist.
You write: “…i know how a persons guilt reflex works…” Ask yourself – how can you recognize guilt if you don’t have it within you? How do you recognize love if you don’t already have it within you in some form? You cannot recognize what you don’t already possess. Which means love is there within you. You’ve blocked it. You’ve blocked it out of fear – fear that love makes you vulnerable, the very feeling you seek to overcome.
You write: “…I dont need help…” That is ego talking. Even you don’t believe that. Asking for help is a sign of wisdom. Only ONE knows all of the answers. A smart business person doesn’t know all of the answers, so they go to where the answers are in order to run a successful business. Smart people are smart because they aren’t dependent on themselves alone. And you are smart. Go to your Unlimited Supplier that has ALL of the answers.
You write, “…i am who/what i am…i chose to be this way…” Chose. Your choice. That means you can choose again for a better result. That’s the illusion part. When you choose differently, one illusion fades and is replaced by a different scenario. It’s your creation. If you don’t like what you created, then create something better – and if you truly want what is better, and even more, what is best, then you co-create with the Divine Guide as your partner. That is when you realize the True fulfillment that is yours to claim, which you’ll never gain through your futile searches in all the wrong places. It’s like looking for a snow drift on the ocean floor. It’s not there. Impossible. So quit looking where it doesn’t exist.
You write: “…its possible ive felt bits and pieces of them over the years, as i can think of emotions i dont totally understand to this day, but they did present a feeling at the time…” Bingo! There is only one way you can know that, or feel that – because it is already inside you. You’ve allowed fear to control you, masking your Truth. And your way of dealing with that fear isn’t working. You’ve proved that over and over and over and… It’s the misconception that if you keep looking for the snowdrift on the ocean floor, that you’ll finally find it. You’re wasting your time and your life. There is a way that leads to what you want. Through Inner Wisdom, your Divine Partner. You are not meant to go this path alone. You are never alone.
I’ll repeat the Divine Message I received when I asked if there was anything the Divine wants you to know. The response:
“Know that you are loved…always, and you are never alone. You are not separate from the Divine. You might feel that way, but that is an illusion. I am inside you always. All you have to do is ask.”
How do i know guilt, by studying reactions people have to my behavior, ive i know how people react to things, i may not have guilt, but i know how people will react, i know how to make a person cry, i know how to make people think i feel bad about things ive done, again its by playing that same reflex.
As for the god thing, i think my favorite story is how god tortured a man just to prove a point to the devil, he took his home, land, family.. just to prove a point, so to say hes not willing to do such things, i disagree if he does truely exist.
As i said, what im after is to get my way, to get people to do the things i want so that i can accomplish my needs, be it money, or sex, or job related.. what you would call every day things…
Jess, the Job story is an allegory, not a real event. It is symbolic. It is also the Old Testament.
Jesus gave his life revealing the Truth that God is love, not hatred; is forgiveness, not vengeance; is compassion, not coldness; is non-judgmental, not punitive; created equality, not hierarchy; encourages service, not greed. He taught us that God is love, that the kingdom of God is within each of us and that we don’t have to go through anybody else. It is within each of us and it is our responsibility to open to Divine Communication to develop our own individual paths. Church leaders took the words of Jesus and twisted them where they could gain control of the populous through fear and guilt. They often teach the opposite of the truth Jesus shared. Jesus doesn’t want to be worshiped; he wants partners to serve as God’s hands, feet, voice, heart, to help spread the word of God’s love. We are One with that Greatness, created from Love and are only truly happy when we embody that love – be that love.
God exists, as does Jesus and the many spiritual leaders throughout history that brought Eternal Truths for all. I know that Truth, without doubt.
6/15/2015 6:32 am
Ok ill bite, lets say i do believe in god, is it not possible that he created people like me on purpose to keep people like you on a correct path, as a reminder of what you could become if you dont take his path (chaos theory)?
Just remember you said it your self, I dont need help, i am who/what i am, you may not agree with it, but i chose to be this way, for a long time i didnt see what i was, or even understand that fact that i was faking every single emotion i pretended to have, i never once felt those emotions, its possible ive felt bits and pieces of them over the years, as i can think of emotions i dont totally understand to this day, but they did present a feeling at the time.
7/12/2015 11:11 pm
i broke up with my GF of 2 years, a fight i started, she didnt let me finish and then we broke up next night, anyway if you really want to know, at first i pretend i was hurt, but only around her, when she wasnt around id plot how to make her feel worse and how to control her, lets just say i got very mean very fast, the things i said, the mental games i played, and am still playing, she will be scared for life i promise, its going to be a long time before she truly trusts another man, and sadly i planned that too, so that if she got into a relationship any time soon, it would fail for that reason.
Brutal yes, but sadly i dont feel the guilt that should inflict, so to me i just say meh, and if i should hear from her again, fine, if not, i did my work, again i doubt you wanted to hear all that but you did ask, other than that work is going well, plotting as usual(in general), its what i do…
So if you get anything from all this, i see what im doing, but.. still not stopping.
7/16/2015 11:57 AM
Do you mind if we take this conversation back to the blog site? You are always welcome to email me here, but this might be beneficial to others.
I will think about it, not saying no, just not at the moment. First a few questions if you dont mind (dont feel any obligation to answer), do you actually learn anything about people like me from talking to me or is it more of, this guy proves my point?
Does helping others make you happy, or is it more of the, you want others to be free of the pain a person like me can and does inflict.
The one that hurt you(could also have been someone you know, just know someone was hurt), how much many of my responces remind you of that person?
and if you so wish to hear it, i could give you a little insight as to how we can possibly plan out an attack that seems to precisely executed.
7/21/2015 5:58 PM
Are you really not sure if a person like me knows im telling lies or i just make things up on the spot and forget it seconds later?
Or do you have a true idea of whats going on in a head like mine?
id still like to know, how much my responses remind you of the person that hurt you, ill explain why if you choose to answer that question.
From a standpoint of i can help you teach others as well as a standpoint of im learning my self as well.
Believe it or not writing these emails out and things on your page do help me learn my self.
So the things i ask aren’t intended as mean, i assure you im offering information to you, and in return i wish to learn about everyone else, as well as me, could allow me to 1 day adhere to another path, for now of course im still who i am, doesnt mean i dont need to learn who that is first.
7/23/2015 12:12 AM
You do realize, don’t you, that your insatiable need for control over someone or something outside you is only temporary and an illusion? Your behavior is a flashing neon sign that you don’t feel strong or in control of yourself, and therefore you try to get it from outside of you, which is never fulfilling or real. The only real control and strength is from within you, from the Real Source, from the Unlimited Supplier for all of your needs – NOT from a human. Until you realize that you will be wasting precious moments of your life on a useless struggle, instead of experiencing bliss.
As to your questions (and by the way, I do enjoy our discussions),
- Do I learn anything from your dialogue? Yes, I do. There is much you reveal that even you don’t realize. What is interesting, to me anyway, is that you are revealing the opposite of what you and ‘the experts’ claim is true – that you cannot ever change. True, you have to want to change – no one can make that decision for you. However, I sense you are reaching out for something deeper and richer than the same-old, expected and – I think – boring drama you are experiencing, and that you are wondering if there is hope for you for a better, more interesting life. Your honesty puts a different spin on it for me – a more human spin – that shouts to me you feel trapped and want out – a desperate call for help. I truly hear your call. I hear you.
- Does helping people make me happy? YES!!!! There is a joy in helping others. I love serving people and helping them to heal their lives. What a blessing that is for me. To explain: that love and healing and joy and peace first fills me to overflowing before it flows out to help others, which means I am totally blessed by the experience while helping others. I cannot give what I do not have within me. I have also been personally ‘called’ by Jesus/Holy Spirit to serve as a partner in helping spread Divine Love and to help heal others by opening them up to their Truth – that they are One with God, with Pure Intelligence, with Unlimited Love and Abundance, and that because they are created from Magnificence, they too are magnificent – as are YOU. What is sad is that people don’t always realize it and they feel alone and separate from their Source – when in Reality, they are One with the Power of the Universe – which is where your True Power lies, by the way, not by trying to control anyone or anything outside of yourself – that is a wasted effort and life.
- Yes, I had dealings with a person of similar personality traits, but it was on a business level. I was confused because I hadn’t dealt with it before, but when I looked up the traits, and saw the description, she fit. It cleared everything up for me and all suddenly made sense. The Divine urged me to create the blog about that personality trait in order to help others identify what they are going through. Do I feel revenge? No, I feel sadness for her that she is caught in that toxic cycle. You see, I learned from it, became stronger, wiser, more compassionate and it helped me to grow in ways I would not have without it. I wish I could say the same for her. I don’t know because there is no contact, but I would be extremely cautious as to what she says because she lies too easily. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t a child of God, because she is, and as loved by God as everyone else. She had an abusive childhood, I’m told, which explains much to me how someone could harden their hearts to that extreme, and that, too, makes me sad.
- As to planning out an attack, if you feel it is of worth to you, you may, but it is all an illusion – it isn’t real. It’s like reading a fiction novel that can go a zillion different directions, and where the author manipulates the scenes and ending, usually unrealistically. And then what? It is a recurring plot where you know the ending – over and over and over… There is SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN THAT!!! Oh my gosh, the potential is incredible in this abundant universe in which we live. And to know that people are stuck in a repetitive negative cycle that harms themselves even more than they harm others is tragic. I feel like screaming – OPEN YOUR EYES AND MIND TO THE GREATNESS AVAILABLE TO YOU!
This is what I KNOW about you – that you are tired of your life as it is, and you want a better way. You are bored with it. You want more. BUT, and this is the tricky part, you so identify yourself with that personality that you are afraid to let it go, that you fear you will lose your identity and won’t know who you are anymore. You fear you will feel adrift and alone and unsure. So, to stay in your false illusion of safety, you cling to the old and stale pattern of behavior because it is something with which you are familiar.
I also realize that to take that first step to a new and richer experience takes courage. I know, without doubt, you have that courage. But you are not to do it alone. You are to ask for help from the One that is with you always. I know that once you ask for Divine help, even if out of curiosity, you will open a door to expanding wonders you never realized existed, and it will excite you beyond imaginings.
7/23/2015 1:18 AM
You offered to help teach others how this personality thinks and acts, which is of immense worth in helping to heal people who have experienced hurt through similar experiences, and I would like to take you up on your generous offer. You can shed light on what I cannot, and what few, if any others have offered. What you can relate will be healing to many, many people, way beyond imagining, but will also be healing to you. Do you realize there are people from 178 countries around the world who visit this blog page in search of answers?? You have answers to many of their questions. So, thank you! You are truly unique.
You are so much more than that person whom you falsely believe you are. You are truly magnificent in the eyes of God, and in mine, but you don’t yet realize it.
Here is what I know for you – that you want more than what you are experiencing, that you are fearful of losing your identity if you walk away from it, that you feel vulnerable without that hard exterior, and that you don’t know how to change direction. But there is an Unlimited Supplier of right answers that does know how and is merely waiting for you to ask. I can help you with that. You are helping me and thousands of others, and I would like to help you in return if you are willing.
7/23/2015 4:29 AM
I am seriously going to warn you, some of my answers will offend you, will most likely disturb you, but if you honestly want to know what makes me tick just remember to me they are simple words, concepts and ideas. The good news to that is you are lucky i have that surgery as it has stopped me wrong a large number of things people like me generally get into, however the persona is all there i assure you(might even be more potent as i dont spend half my life doing drugs or drinking), i havnt ever physically harmed anyone, again thats pretty rare.
So that all said, you will have your questions, and of course i will have mine, mine in the short term have an agenda behind them, in the long term will also help me learn my self.
7/23/2015 10:43 AM
You won’t tell me anything The Divine doesn’t already know about you. There are no secrets from One that is with and within you always. I do my best not to judge but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sadness for everyone involved who is hurt, including you, because you are hurting yourself most of all.
What is sad is knowing there is so much grandness available to you and every living being once the illusions of fear, doubt, thinking from smallness and of separation from God are released in exchange for the Truth that is True always – One with the Power of the Universe, available each and every moment to you and to everyone, whether in or out of the physical.
I give whatever you say to the Divine that already knows – including the alternative path to your magnificence.
7/23/2015 12:24 PM
****You enjoy challenges so I give you something to consider: What do you want? Really want? What do you want deep down within you that is so buried you can barely sense it?
I challenge you to give much thought to this question and to make your own ‘What do I Want?’ list, and then go deeper with your thinking. Drill down to the real want. This might take some time to get to the real wants instead of the superficial ones.
I ask you to consider this as you make your list…
If you could place an order, like from a menu, knowing it would be brought for you, what would you ask for? What would you like to do on this earth in this human experience while you are still here to do it? What will you regret if you don’t do it while you’re alive in the physical? While you have the chance? What do you want?
I suggest something that you might consider even more challenging for you – you are not to do this alone. Ask for Divine Guidance for assistance with this challenge, for that is where your True power lies – going to where the answers and solutions are – to Pure Intelligence. See how your wants might change when you do this in co-creation with your Creator.
LIST what effects in your life displease you or are less than desirable and you want to change. If you could have whatever you order from the menu of life, knowing you would have it, what would that be?
7/23/2015 2:32 PM
One thing ive noticed on your site, people wish to identify and mark people like me, they want to learn what makes us tick so they can label the next one they see to stay away from us, which of course from their standpoint is a smart thing, however the really good of us can mask our selves so well that we actually use the fact that they have been hurt by a soc/narc (either or both) that I can convince them that there is no way i could ever do something like that to them, which actually makes it easier for me to deceive because i know EXACTLY what to mask, so now they are in another of the same relationships, except they will tell me what the other person did, so i know exactly what not to do. See Love (or how i think everyone else sees it) blurs your vision and kind of forces you to bypass rational thought and not see whats really there, well i dont have that, i see whats really going on from the second i met the person, so imagine never having that veil pulled over your eyes, and that entire time you have a chance to test the waters of whats ok and whats not ok with this person, this entire time they are looking past behaviors, while i can basically learn their entire persona in a short amount of time, 4 weeks is about the average time i need to learn whats acceptable and whats not.
Ill allow you to read and think about that.
7/23/2015 6:41 pm
Read one by a Daniel, (on the blog who calls himself a soc-narc) he describes the ideas well, but he talks to much about wanting to be admired so hes a narc at absolute most, as you know i dont desire admiration.. i use it as a form of control, if they admire you they will be more likely to do what you need, i enjoy reading the posts in general actually, some people get the concepts, some people dont, but in general i guess we all came for the same reason, we desire an answer or 2 that we cant find by our self, you seek to understand us, i seek to understand you, people wouldnt listen to me even if they wanted to, they would think im trying to give them bad advice, but i can tell you exactly how to stop us dead cold, and its not just run far and run fast, its kinda a simple concept, just put the hands in the air, and say i give up.. you won, game over.. i can tell you that if at any point someone had ever said that to me, id have smirked and let them go on their merry way simply because they had the guts to admit they didnt want to play all the games anymore.
7/24/2015 12:40 AM
I wrote this a long time ago with a sole intent, it pretty much gets 2 responses based on how people perceive it, its all about personality and education level of course but for the most part there has only been 2 reactions to it. And actually the response tells me alot about a person. i have a feeling your reaction to it will be the more educated of the 2, but still it will amuse me to find out.
Lies, Deceit, Wisdom and Rage:
They are just a black smear written on a white page
Nothing but letters lined up to fill to the pages border
They only serve to break up a world’s order.
The order of things I wish to find the meaning
Its a mental game that ill find my self beating
Rage darts to mind as i think alone
But only brings thoughts that i wont condone.
The thought of lies is next to chime in
It only bring pain hate and sin
A lie is a thought that never comes true
The biggest mistake a person can tell you.
Deceit is a game without rules
Its never tame and is played out by fools
The closer you are the tighter the strings
When they snap down the harder it stings.
Wisdom is knowledge mixed up with pride
The level only grows as age lifts up the tide
The words only shrink as time takes its toll
But nothing is sure so it leaves just a hole.
7/24/2015 6:31 PM
This is an excellent poem and tells me a lot about you, although I’m not amused, but touched and saddened and heartened, all at the same time. I’m glad I amuse you, though, so see what you think of my analysis.
Below is the symbolism I see in your poem from the heart – only you can tell me how close I am to your Truth, but don’t discount it immediately. Let it sink in. Some of your memories might be deeply buried.
Lies, Deceit, Wisdom and Rage: They are just a black smear written on a white page –
The white page is your life, blank, clean, with full potentiality for you to fill in as you choose. Lies Deceit and Rage are a smear on your potentially beautiful life. A black smear is something unwanted, dirty, soiling, unclear and blurry, something that spoils the untainted and clean and the beautiful. BUT, a smear is merely a surface stain, it doesn’t penetrate. The beauty is still there beneath the smear. There is white left untouched, unblemished, where your life can be created as you choose. With the right tools – the Divine Eraser – the smear can be removed or prevented from further soiling the rest of the page – your life
Nothing but letters lined up to fill to the pages border.
Nothing but letters mean they don’t make sense to you, they are meaningless and unwanted additions to the open possibilities of your life, spoiling the cleanliness and order, because the letters are without order. Against your will, these meaningless letters are filling in portions of your life without your permission. You are angry because this thing you don’t understand, this unwanted intrusion of what should be YOUR choice for YOUR life, this chaos of nonsense, is filling in where it doesn’t belong, taking away your choice, your free will, negatively affecting your priceless life. It means that you didn’t choose it, you don’t know where it comes from (or blocked it out), you don’t want it, and you want it gone. And why, out of the entire world, did it choose your life to sully? You didn’t ask for it, it just took over. You want the strength and the wisdom to stop it. With the right tools, with Pure Intelligence, it can be stopped from further destroying the rest of your valuable life.
They only serve to break up a world’s order.
Your world affects the entire world because all is connected; this uninvited intrusion of chaos has broken up the structured order of your world causing you to feel lost and adrift in unfamiliar territory that you feel is not of your choosing.
The order of things I wish to find the meaning
Its a mental game that ill find my self beating
You are looking for structure, meaning, order in your life – and you WILL beat this unwanted takeover of your emotions. You already are on the path to victory – you’ve made the first crucial and giant steps.
Rage darts to mind as i think alone
But only brings thoughts that i wont condone.
Rage is the most fearful emotion for you, the most out of control emotion, and is the same for anyone, really. Rage against the takeover of your life, rage against whomever betrayed you, rage that you feel yourself different and alone and aren’t living the fantastic life that is your right to live. Rage that entices you to seek even greater revenge against the unfairness of it all. And yet, an inner strength and wisdom holds you to sanity, because rage can easily take over and control you in ways you absolutely do not want to experience. Good for you.
The thought of lies is next to chime in
It only bring pain hate and sin
A lie is a thought that never comes true
The biggest mistake a person can tell you.
The underlying tone of this rings of when you were a child – lies that brought you pain, hate and sin (from the one who lied?), and betrayal that someone you loved promised you something and didn’t follow through. Even more, baldly lied to you, the one upon whom you depended for truth and trust, and yes, it is a huge mistake, hurting the liar as much as the one lied to. Abuse can be involved in this scenario, the abuser covering their actions with lies condoning their behavior. The lie, in whatever form, can alter the entire relationship, resulting in withdrawal, self-protection from further hurt, hatred and rage, and a hardening of a heart that can last a lifetime if not eventually released. But there is a way to release it, to heal. With your permission we can work on that.
Deceit is a game without rules
Its never tame and is played out by fools
The closer you are the tighter the strings
When they snap down the harder it stings.
You were deceived by those you loved and trusted. ‘…a game without rules’ is an intuitive comment because that is an excellent description of deceit. How can you react and defend yourself when you don’t know the rules and there are no rules because the deceiver makes them up as they go along, shifting them according to what they want to achieve. Because it isn’t tame, deceit can swing a wild destructive path, causing much damage to the innocent who feels like a fool for being played, for trusting, for loving. The closer you are to the deceiver, the tighter the emotional connection, the more it hurts and stings when they callously harm you which they can only do if there is no love within them, or for you, which means they, too, were harmed somewhere in their lifetime and it affected their own mentality and emotions. With this scenario you could easily determine to protect yourself within a hardened shell, vowing to never allow anyone to hurt you that way again. It is a shell created by and thickened by fear – ongoing fear expressed in myriad ways in your life. Fear, too, can be released, and replaced (no voids) with greatness.
Wisdom is knowledge mixed up with pride
The level only grows as age lifts up the tide
The words only shrink as time takes its toll
But nothing is sure so it leaves just a hole.
Wisdom is knowledge mixed up with pride is an interesting statement but totally understandable. Through painful experience/knowledge you ‘wised up, and pride is part of that protection, a statement that even though the ones you trusted let you down, you won’t let yourself down. You take pride in that you take care of yourself, that you survived despite all. Words shrinking means that the cause (memories) fade, or are blocked during the years, and perhaps to the point you don’t really remember the details anymore – a defense mechanism. Nothing is sure is that you don’t trust – the memories are still there, and you might wonder if the horrid pain of them might resurface at any time. The hole means emptiness. You feel empty of emotion, of faith, of trust, of love. Empty. That emptiness is a false emptiness through misunderstanding of your Truth. That emptiness, that hole, can be filled with wonder and magnificence.
Jess, your insightful poem reveals that you know the truth but are afraid. That fear has tainted your entire life, your every thought and action. You are afraid of trusting anyone, of revealing your emotions, afraid of being hurt again, afraid of the aloneness of your situation. You want to know what is sure and truthful and can be counted on to give you security in an unsafe world.
And by the way, there are no “normal” people – everyone is extraordinary- they just don’t know it yet….and that includes you.
The message I keep receiving from the Higher Power that is meant for you is that you are loved, unconditionally and without judgment, that you are valued and have value, and there is nothing you can do or say that will change it – and yet, that love can change your situation, your life, to be what you truly desire once you let go of fear.
Thanks for sharing. I’m honored by your trust. I will also add that you are deceiving yourself most of all, fooling yourself most of all, because you are not what or who you believe you are. You are only reacting out of fear which is only causing more harm – with others, and mainly with you. But that fearful, pretending-to-be-tough person is not who you are. You love challenges. The discovery of your Real Self is the most important challenge you will ever accept. There is a Higher Power that will help you discover the Truth of who you are – extraordinary.
PS: I’m sure more ‘aha!’s will reveal themselves, so I might do some fill ins when they come to light.
7/24/2015 7:05 PM
I enjoyed your analysis of my poem, it holds true the other way as well which is why i wrote it, it may or may not reveal things about me, but i wrote it to find out what part of the poem people relate to so that i know which one to avoid around them. Everyone can relate to each part of this poem, but everyone also relates to the exact line that effects them most. So that said, which line, or lines caught your eye the most and you thought even if only for a second, wow that is so right.
7/26/2015 7:37 PM
I originally came to your site to find an answer, how quickly can someone who knows our behaviors spot a soc/narc, the answer ive determined is about what you would expect, they cant until its to late, i did learn quite a bit extra as well of course.
With my most recent EX i was with her a bit over 2 years, so i learned alot of behaviors, reactions, etc. We lived together, and i made sure everything was in my name, after we broke up she had nowhere to go plus we were on the lease still, so she was forced to stay in the spare bedroom and use my car, at first i was good with making her cry by making her feel bad about things she said, or did, no matter what id say to her, she would always come back later and tell me she was sorry for it.
Once that stopped working as effectivly as i wanted it to, i started taking things away 1 by 1 (do it all at once the shock hits all at once, counter-productive) first was ps4… then TV.. then ipad, finally as it would leave the biggest problem i took the car, but didnt do that all at once, id take the car and tell her i needed it only at times she needed it, of course i have another car.. but that one got better gas mileage was my excuse, so she would change her times of doing things, so, id randomly just drive off with the car, be it 8pm, 1 am (just pick a random time)… id park it at a girls house for the night and have her drive me back, basically i always had access to both cars, this literally drove her crazy, she would break down into tears just asking if she could use the car to go to the store. finally she told her dad she couldnt take it anymore and she moved back home with her dad in another state, something she swore she would never do no matter what.
Im not telling you this story to make you mad at me or hate me(though im sure it does bring some emotion out), im telling you this so maybe you can try and understand what is going on in my head after a breakup, every inch of that plan was written out on paper before i even put it into effect, with what id do, and how she would react, and it all went exactly how i wrote it out on paper, this was over the course of 2 months.
You can feel bad for her, id understand, as you know. i dont, just because i feel that emotion.
7/26/2015 9:41 PM
Truth wrote to Jess:
Did you get this comment on the blog that was to you?
Profile of the Narcissistic Sociopath Think you can spot a sociopath/psychopath? Think again. According to experts, this …
Hello jess I can relate to what you talking about an I must say its interesting that you are wired this way because I,am 95percent wired this way I have been searching for somebody to understand me or who can relate to me an I am stunned by your comments its like I wrote those comments.
7/26/2015 9:59 PM
I Did actually, and im honestly curious as to what caught his/her eye that made them post, i told you i originally posted because i needed the answer to a question that i couldnt find my self, did they post for the same reason, are they a step behind me, just learning what/who they are, or do they have a motive, as you know every time we identify our selves on purpose we have a motive, it will never be just to say hi, so i wonder what theirs is, in this case i tend to think they thought they were alone, however the number of 95% wired the same way, tells me i do or say something they dont agree with, and they are reaching out to see why we differ in that 5%, not so differnt from the original reason i posted, to have a question answered, its your blog so before i ask them all that, are you ok with me using your blog for that?
7/26/2015 9:40 PM
Yes. I believe your input will be very helpful and healing to others.
7/26/2015 9:41 PM
Do you have any interest in seeing if you can beat this? It takes courage. It takes facing your fears, which are driving you. But it also takes a will on your part, your choice to have a different, more rewarding life. I’m getting the feeling that some of this is getting too close to the Truth for you, that the too-on-target Truth is making you uncomfortable, and out of fear, you’re backing away from your potential in exchange for the familiar.
I can’t help but believe your expected behavior pattern is far too boring for you, the repeating trap you are in that hurts you more than anyone.
Also, what about your ‘What do I want?’ questions. Any more thought on those? You are welcome to walk away from this any time you choose.
If you are shutting it down, let me know. BUT, I encourage you to step out in courage and see what happens.
I will also ask you if there is anything you’d like to post to people to help them recognize the pattern more quickly, and if there is any shift in you from having this discussion?
God bless you,
7/27/2015 10:31 AM
i figured you would have questions about my thought process through that breakup, as im offering you insight to what i was thinking, im offering the knowledge you seek, but when your ready i guess you will ask.
7/27/2015 5:09 PM
Yes, why don’t you send that to me.
And yet, I realize that whatever is going on in your mind in the way of specific plotting might vary somewhat from target to target.
What you are really looking for are emotional responses from your targets and others. And since you are numb to your own, you’re behaving as an emotion-vampire – living vicariously via the women’s emotions. The emotions you want to experience are “adrenaline” emotions- rage, pissed off, disgust, repulsion.
The emotion you get from me, though, is sadness and disappointment at the waste of such a brilliant mind and how pathetic it is to be so trapped in vicarious living because you lack the courage to expand into the true adventure of being fully human; how sad for you to live such a dependent and devoid life. If you can plan out an attack on another person- brilliant but predictable and far too easy, then surely you are smart enough to plan a way out of your dead-end life. Your living through others means you are not connected to your true Self and real power. You have it in you to take the courageous challenge if you will. Do you will to make the change?
As I said before – What do you want? If you could order from a menu knowing you would get whatever you ordered, what would that be? What would you like to do, be, see, accomplish while you are still in the physical to do it? What will you regret if you don’t at least try it? What do you want?
7/28/2015 9:16 AM
You may be right to an extent, its more i want to be sure they are feeling the emotions i want them too, and to be 100% sure they are feeling them, the plan needs to include many areas of emotion, so yes it varies from person to person, i dont feel adrenaline, i dont get that high that people seem to think we get, i just want to be sure pain is felt, and in the way i want it to be felt.
7/28/2015 9:22 AM
Is that all you want?? To make sure others suffer?? That is so sad. I send prayers your way for a better life at some point while you are still in the physical.
I’d also like you to answer some of the questions I’ve previously asked you that you have yet to answer.
7/28/2015 9:39 AM
Im actually still thinking about them, for me its not as easy as you might think, again not ignoring,
7/28/2015 9:42 AM
The questions are not easy to answer, and there are no expected answers. But, they are important.
God bless you,
7/30/2015 9:09 PM
After a break up people all feel the same emotions, we all go through the same stages, but ive learned i can make someone feel them in a specific order so that the rage/hatred part come after contact is cut, so i dont have to deal with it, makes things easier, again has to do with control and mind games.
7/31/2015 8:18 AM
What I’d like from you to help others:
1) How to recognize a narcissistic sociopath before getting involved
2) How that personality manipulates and controls the relationship
3) Why they feel the compulsion to control and hurt others
4) The smart way to handle the situation once they realize it
5) What are the risks and what to do if children are involved
6) What to do if they are in danger
This will be extremely helpful.
Thanking you in advance,
7/31/2015 7:10 PM
Ive already answered the first one in a way, if i set my targets on you, you wont know until its to late, however, i wont ever get into a relationship on a whim, it will be planned and i have to decide they are the one i will go after, so ill get their number and probe them so to speak(this can all be done in person as well), ask questions, see where they stand on things, probe into the past, but very very subtle, ill say something about my life (usually made up on the spot) that is intended to draw an emotional response, it causes a reflex, i opened up and no matter how guarded a girl is, they will let something slip about their past, allowing me to learn about them, and of course by default, this will create the illusion that i just trusted you with information about my past, and you mentioned yours, showing you i have interest in your life, and i will continue to probe this way, this can take a few days or a month, but slowly im planning and deciding if you are worth my time to create a relationship with.
You asked a question and i answered it with 100% truth, heres the fact, im willing to destroy an unlimited number of lives, destroy everyones trust in their friends, destroy familys trust in you.. all until i feel as if what ever i feel unconvienced for is justified, and that 1 lie… would prevent that.. is it worth the sacrifice to an ego to tell it, or is pride going to stop you and i spend the next year of my life plotting and scheming against you and anyone that is trying to help you.
I will think about how to word the answers to the rest
i can answer number 6 right now though, admit you were the one at fault in the relationship (even if you were not) that will create the illusion that the soc/narc won, which might cause them to be less horrific to you, cut all ties, dont rub anything in our faces, if you get into a new relationship dont show it off, create the illusion that you arnt happy, so we feel as if we won, and run like hell far and fast.
8/1/2015, 11:26:18 AM
Also to clarify the answer the 6, When you are admitting everything was
your fault heres how extreme im talking, you said she stole from you,
without sounding like you are mocking… you would have to say something
along the lines “Im so sorry i couldnt provide better for you, i know
someone out there could be better than i am, it has been hard on me
knowing i couldnt be a better provider for you, and i know you need
someone better, i want you to know i support you and it pains me but you
need to find someone better than me so you can live the life you deserve
8/1/2015 11:51 AM
I’m sorry but that’s pathetic and a lie. You are suggesting they be as big a liar as the one with the issue.
8/1/2015 2:55 PM
And there in the problem, pride, both sides have it, however one side is willing to utterly destroy anothers life, so i ask the question, if you could take it all back, and a bit of pride loss and all you had to tell is 1 lie, and they will not go outta their way to destroy your life, is that worth it, or is that 1 lie worth more to you than someone destroying your life, your friends life, childen, etc.
FIRST INDICATION OF JESS’S TRANSFORMATION
8/16/2015 8:55 AM
You may not want to talk to me anymore, but. I finally am able to answer those questions, ive looked at my self, very hard, see who i am, you were always right, i cant change what ive done, but i can change what i do from now on, you helped me finally see that, i dont know what my future holds, but today is day 1 no matter what, and all i can do is live life 1 day at a time and find out.
8/16/2015 10:04 AM
I’m very glad to hear from you again, and I want to read your answers to the previously sent questions.
What you’ve written in your email is magnificent and the Absolute Truth. But let me ask you –
1) Are you telling me that because you think that is what I want to hear?
2) Is that something you would like to see happen?
3) Do you believe it is true for you?
IF your response is #2 or #3, then CONGRATULATIONS! You are opening up to the Reality of who you really are and to a new awaiting adventure that is already yours to discover (along with Divine Guidance), and is yours to claim. This can be the most exciting journey you’ve ever experienced. You will be amazed.
Send me your answers, and we’ll go from there. I offer to help you walk this new discovery-path. That choice is yours to accept or reject.
And, thank you.
8/16/2015 10:51 AM
Ill answer in order,
1) I decided it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, i need to do everything for me, thats where it starts, till now ive been doing every thing in a way for my self yes, but ive been doing it to manipulate others. im not telling you because i think its what you want to hear, im telling you because its what i need to hear.
2) Yes, i can be a better person, i will be a better person, Im going later this week to get a Semicolon tattoo so that every time i look at my forearm, im reminded that this isnt where my story ended, its where it began.
3) Yes i do believe its true, but its going to be a path and a long one, i will not change quickly, thats not how it works, but i will take it 1 day at a time.
This paragraph describes Jess’s life-changing moment:
I had a moment that i cant explain, i went to the park, i walked the path ive walked many times, never once have i thought about the path, but as i walked it hit me like a lightning bolt, that this isnt me, but at the same time it is, and i can control who i am. when i got to my car, i looked around the park, tears started to come down, and a smile came to my face as i thought about it all, the tears weren’t because i felt bad, but because i saw for even the slightest second of what i could be instead.
8/16/2015 1:34 PM
Your from-the-heart brought tears to my eyes, too. I am so proud of you!!!! You are so very blessed because, despite all odds, you kept searching until the Truth answers struck you like a lightning bolt. Good for you.
All of your answers are on target – THE TRUTH.
And by the way, what you experienced in the park is what love feels like – that you are so filled to overflowing that it comes out of your eyes. I am glad for you that you persisted, that you didn’t give up, that you didn’t swallow the lie that this glory isn’t for you. But you experienced first-hand that it is definitely for you. Now and always.
What an amazing life path you are getting ready to take. By surrendering to your Higher Power that knows you intimately, that knows what is your highest good and has all of the perfect answers, you will experience wonders you never before imagined.
I am so happy for you! I’ve been praising the Divine all day.
Please keep in contact with me through this – if you want. I’m always here for you. Let’s keep the conversation going. The best is just beginning. Share with me your experiences and how you ‘feel’.
God bless you,
8/16/2015 2:00 PM
It took 1 girl to point out every single flaw, every single bit of behavior, and another 6 months of almost constant thought on the subject, i cant change the pain i caused her, and it may sound mean and i said i was honestly sorry to her this morning, she may not believe me and i understand that, but for me.. that was step 1
step 2 is to not concentrate on my mistakes, but to start my story from here,
Everything needs to be put behind me, i WILL make mistakes in the future, but it will be what i do after i make them that i am going to change, What i felt at that park was the first bit of emotion ive felt, it didnt last a whole long time, maybe 2 mins, but i want to feel that again, and i know i will.
8/16/2015 2:54 PM
I agree with you; I know you will feel more of the emotions, too. The dam has cracked and will continue widening from the pressure within you. I read much inner wisdom in your words now, so the gap is widening at a rapid pace.
What was it about this one particular girl, out of so many, that made a difference?
8/16/2015 3:08 PM
She was the only to look me in the eye and stand up for her self, and i punished her for it, not violently, but you get the idea, she gave up everything, including access to her son in the short term, and thats the action that made me slowly see it, she was willing at the age of 20, to run so far away, just so she wouldnt have to deal with me. She gave it all up and ran back home to her family, for 2-3 months i never understood it, i went about my life and slowly i saw what she gave up, and i started to look at my self, and think about everything she said, it was about that time i found your website, i was looking for answers to assist me in my next target, but as i spoke to you id re-read the things i said, and what you said, and it helped me see what ive become, and how smart she was.
One day 5 years down the road when most the pain is gone, i hope i can look her in the eye and thank her, but part of me also doesnt ever want her to see me again, So when someone is willing to give up so much at such a young age just to be away from me, im 33 in 2 weeks, and she did the right thing, the thing i couldnt, was walk away.
8/16/2015 4:03 PM
I’m being inwardly urged to share this quote with you from The Way of Mastery. The Way of Mastery is a set of three volumes dictated by Jeshua Ben Joseph/Jesus. The quote is from Volume 1 about the meaning of ‘allowance’ in relation to surrendering all that you are not in exchange for the Truth of who you are, which means allowing the Universe to flow through you with Pure Intelligence to lead you into living from your best and brightest Self. This is nothing to fear, but to embrace.
I realize you might not be at this stage yet, but let it filter into your mind as to the power that is yours to claim through, not figuring everything out on your own, but allowing the Great Mind to connect within you for everything.
“Allowance is not a passive acceptance of things as they are, but a recognition that there is something quite beautiful at work. There is an intelligence, a Love that knows you better than you know yourself and is presenting you, moment to moment, with jewels and gems and blessings and lessons that something is weaving the tapestry of your life, and nothing is happening by accident. Surrender is the cultivation of the recognition that your happiness can be found only in the submission of your will to the will of God.”
Jeshua explains why. “For your will has been to be in conflict and struggle and limitation. God’s will is that you live without conflict, in peace, joy, fulfillment and happiness. It is called bliss.” – Jeshua Ben Joseph (Way of Mastery)
8/17/2015 2:40 PM
So last night i went and got that tattoo, and i gotta say every time i turn my wrist i see it and its a nice reminder that “This is where my Story begins” thats what was in my head all day, my work day flew by, wasnt constantly thinking the thoughts i normally do, normally im just concerned with what others think of what im doing so i can keep my stock up so to speak, but instead i just did what i needed to do to get my work done, not once caring what others thought of me like normal, i hope its something i can keep up, its a unique feeling to say the least.
8/17/2015 2:45 PM
CONGRATULATIONS! I AM TRULY, TRULY PROUD OF YOU AND ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE. I like the tattoo symbolism. You will be amazed at the shift in your life.
Remember, you are not alone in this.
8/17/2015 3:13 PM
as you have most likely learned, because of my disorder or what ever you want to call it, im a thinker, and i worry that at some point guilt is going to hit me, when that emotion hits me, how do people actually deal with it? i said sorry to my latest EX.. but trust me when i tell you, my list of people that id have to say sorry to… santa would weep if he had to deliver that many packages.
8/17/2015 4:59 PM
An excellent question.
Surrender your guilt and your situation to your Higher Power. Visualize the guilt in your hands and hand it over, asking the Divine to take that mess’ and turn it into something more wonderful than if it had never happened. Guilt can be crushing when you try to deal with it alone. It affects all of your decisions – and to the detriment – even your health. You are not alone, so use the Power of the Universe that is yours to claim at every moment.
Remember the Divine Message for you I gave you in May: ” “Know that you are loved. You might not want it or feel it or understand it at this point in time, but even so, you are loved, always, and you are never alone.
You are not separate from the Divine. You might feel that way, but that is an illusion. I am inside you always. All you have to do is ask.”
Guilt and regrets are normal reactions to our mistakes in life lessons, especially when we forget our Divine Oneness and awesomeness and don’t live up to the Divine Creations we are. Mistakes are part of life – some more huge than others. We are here to learn. It’s more fun when we learn by doing it right, but we learn the life lesson either way.
What you might consider working on and is a crucial element for healing guilt, is forgiveness – of yourself (usually the most difficult) and others. There is more information I can send on that but I don’t want to overwhelm you or send you something for which you are not yet interested.
Guilt, thinking, analyzing, etc., are head issues. Once your heart is opened more, that is where you will feel love and ‘knowing’ the inner-guided answers and solutions to your questions. That will come. Actually, you are progressing quite rapidly. Good for you.
As you assume, the ones you apologize to most likely won’t believe you because you showed dishonest behavior in the past. That is to be expected. Apologize anyway. You can even do it in writing, explaining your life-shift.
As to reconnecting with the former associates, you’ll need to go to Inner Divine Guidance on that. My feeling, not my advice, is that reconnecting might actually trigger past behavior because that was the established relationship. That does not override apologizing, which is as much or more for your benefit than for others.
Hang in there. You are FINALLY going in a productive life-direction.
8/17/2015 6:11 PM
Heres the part that kinda worries me a bit, one of the girls i was the meanest to, i still dont feel anything about it… but ill just say i didnt just ruin her life, but direct family on both sides of her marriage.. totally easily 20 people, im not saying this to brag, i DO NOT want to explain the details, but some day on this path it will hit me what i truely did, i mean i know what i did, but i think you get the idea, i still dont feel anything for it, but i have thought about it because at one point i almost broke the 1 rule i agreed with my self to uphold and that was non violence, the mental anguish i caused them, i honestly dont think i will ever understand, but it will hit me, thats what im worried about.
Maybe thats the beginning of guilt, i dont know, i dont know how that feels
8/17/2015 6:26 PM
The fact that you recognize it as something unhealthy for you and for the others is a huge start. That never bothered you before. The façade is cracking. Some of what flows out might seem ugly, but that ugliness has been residing in you, poisoning your life and the life of others. Let that infecting pus drain out so that you can heal. It’s like ridding yourself of an unwanted damaging spirit that isn’t you but used you. If you don’t release all of that ugliness, it stays inside. Let it go. And, you are not going through this alone. Ask for help.
8/17/2015 7:34 PM
Just easier to talk to someone, as my family at this point.. well ill just say i owe some apologies there as well, so i appreciate that you are willing to listen, for the first time in well, i dont think i can remember not planning every single action of my day, what i say is usually the first thing that comes to mind, but the type of answer is well calculated based on the personalities around me, but i did that today, just didnt care what everyone thought and well, was a normal person, i want to keep that up, but how do i know im not playing my own game with my self, trust me what i say, ive been disturbingly good at what i was doing, would i be able to know if my mind wasnt tricking it self?
8/17/2015 9:08 PM
Another comment on mistakes:
We all make mistakes while in the physical – you are not your experiences or your actions – they were behavior driven because you were doing the best you knew at the time in trying to get your needs met. You will now meet your needs better and more positively as you continue awakening to the truth that it’s impossible to satisfy your needs by hurting other people- we are too interconnected. Forgiveness and acceptance is the key. We can work on that.
I forgot to add that on Divine Communication (#4), the answers will always be love-based, never fear-based. The messages will never tell you to harm yourself or anyone else. True Divine Communication is always positive, encouraging, inspiring you to expand, to step out of your comfort zone into a grander, greater life.
For one, your motivation is different – a different goal, purpose, intent.
For two, you are in control of your mind in that you make the choices. Everything you do is a choice – every thought, word and action. The secret is to choose wisely and well. But, do so with Divine Guidance through Divine Communication. The Divine is never wrong. You are choosing now what is right for the real you, not the fake you.
For three, it sounded like you felt differently about your actions today. ike you could tell the difference between your previous choices and the ones today. That is a good sign. You’ll get there. You’ve done one of the hardest parts – you started.
For four: Pray continuously. Turn everything over to your Creator. Go within. Be quiet and still. And ask. Wait for your answers. They can come so quickly and softly that you’ll doubt them. They might even be the opposite of what you expect. One of the strongest prayers is “Help me!”.
8/18/2015 9:49 AM
I want to reassure you that you are in a natural process of unfolding~ that how and where you are unfolding are built into you and you are now tapping into that built-in wisdom by exploring the path you are on. You have the inner guidance, and like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly, the winged expansion unfolding in you is already within you and has always been within you, waiting for this moment.
You are being called to awaken to your natural brilliance. Our planet needs you to awaken, and when you explore the trap you were in, you will be able to help others out of it. But first, concentrate on you; the other will unfold as designed when the timing is right. Again, you are not alone in this. The Power of the Universe is working with and through you. That is True Power.
Also know that nothing is wasted. You have been sent to know this trap humans can fall into and you are clever enough and brave enough to face it and examine it, and with this courage you will free yourself and then others.
You are not a mistake and no accident; you are a fellow spiritual traveler awakening to his purpose and destination in this lifetime.
Important: You need to have courage and not identify as the wounded and wounding victim/victimizer but as someone who can only truly help by knowing the “disease” inside and out. You are now called to emerge from this story-trance so that you can be a savior in a way that I cannot because I am a spectator not a participant in the drama.
And, like the butterfly, you, too, will soar to greater heights impossible for the caterpillar.
08/18/2015 10:51 AM
I have always had very very violent dreams, ones that would make horror movie writers look at me and wonder how someone could think of something so horrible, unfortunately i am not exaggerating, however in those i also never felt emotion, and as such when i got bored enough of it i would wake my self up, and i always remember every dream, last night i had a dream, and for the first time i dont remember it, but it made me wake up with a smile before falling back asleep, might mean nothing, just not something im used to is all.
08/18/2015 11:44 AM
Fabulous about your shift in dreams! Also an emotion revealed itself in that you smiled. The fact that you didn’t remember it when you usually do is another change. Some dreams you will remember, but they should be healthier dreams now. You are healing.
8/19/2015 6:58 PM
So far the 1 thing i notice is the respect i have for my self, desire to clean my house, actually care about what i do at work, i know its only been a few days, like a week, but its mentally noticeable.
8/19/2015 7:18 PM
Wow. How good that must feel. Congratulations. Respecting yourself and caring about yourself and what you do is huge. One of the Divine Messages I’ve received is that FIRST you must learn to love yourself, non-judgmentally and with compassion (as you are loved by the Divine). And once you’ve mastered that, THEN you can love your neighbor as you love yourself (neighbor being other people). It’s opening to that Inner Power within you that makes that possible. Ask for help to do that.
Good job. I’m proud of you. And thanks for sharing.
8/20/2015 9:03 PM
I emailed the girl (saying sorry) whos marriage i ruined, i kind of wasnt expecting a reply, however got one rather quickly, in short it said that she would never be able to believe a word i said to her(that i expected to be said), ever, and that because of me her and a number of her family members spent years in theropy, i read on your blog a ton of times that peoples lives were destroyed, but honestly it never registered truely how much damage people like me do, until i read her email, do you think its possible for these to ever live a normal life after a person like me?
I want to tell some of these people that im sorry, should i just not say anything? Am i again causing more damage just by contacting them?
8/21/2015 12:08 PM
Good for you. Letters are usually more impactful than an email, but email is better than nothing at all. As you assumed, those to whom you apologize won’t believe you because of your reputation for not being trusted to tell the truth.
Of course, your perfect answer on what to do is going to be from when you go within for your Divine Answer, but what you can do is to finally, for the first time, tell the truth, tell how you arrived at that truth, your plan of action for changing your life, and without any intention of encouraging future contact from them.
I am not advising you what to do, but what I would do if in a similar position is to write down the entire truth of your lightning bolt experience that turned you around to the truth of who you really are and can be, in comparison to the life you’ve led up to this point. Explain your genuine sorrow and deep remorse for how you hurt people, and that you understand if they don’t believe you, but that, for the first time in your life, you are telling the truth. Tell them about your tattoo and your determination to change your behavior and how you are beginning a new chapter, a new life. You can even include the comment about the inner work you’ve been doing through our conversations.
You can state that you don’t expect them to believe you or contact you, and that you realize there is really no way you can make restitution for the harm you caused. Tell them you are working on forgiving yourself, and that you hope someday, for their own benefit, that they might open their hearts to forgive you. (You might get some nasty responses on that comment, but, it’s the truth from you and it is now up to them how they respond to your confession and life-change).
I’ll think more about this, but from a personal opinion, I feel that this is part of the healing process for you and for them. And then always tell the absolute truth from now on, which I believe you have already decided.
Let me know how it goes,
God blesses you…
8/21/2015 2:40 PM
The tattoo helps, every time im starting an argument or start to process thoughts ill see it and im quickly reminded to shut my mouth, im glad i simply decided to do it, as i originally went to see what he wanted to do, when he said $50 and 30 mins at most, i said ok lets do it, had i not i probably wouldnt have gone back.
Everyone at work thinks ive gone crazy, as im not acting the same at all, but they dont need to understand, the only person that needs to understand is me.
8/24/2015 2:27 PM
I’m sure you are already following this wisdom, but when you are concerned with your own thoughts and actions (which is right), you still treat others with respect and not rudeness or aloofness, which is part of respecting yourself. What you put out is what you receive.
I’ll share with you a Divine Image I received about receiving and giving, a message that came through me but meant for me to share with you and others.
Receiving and giving are the same ‘cord’. Picture a thick cord going through your torso front to back. When you pull the cord one direction (as in giving), that same cord is coming into you from other direction (as in receiving). What you give is what you receive.
Example: Name the cord ‘love’. When you give love, you receive love (inseparable). Name the cord ‘respect’. Name it hate. When you give hate, you also receive hate. When you give respect, you also receive respect.
Be aware that what you receive might come through or from a different source or direction, but you will receive it.
The point is to give what you want to receive.
Also remember through all of this, you are not alone and aren’t meant to do it alone.
Open dialogue with your Higher Power, even if only to ask, ‘help me’. But once you open it, be prepared for amazing guidance and increasing awareness of love and joy and wisdom.
Actually, you have opened it. The incident at the park was the Divine flowing through you.
8/24/2015 6:36 PM
My first goal is to figure out who i am, i dont know who i am, never did, But i know i will be better than i was and without question. I cant do anyone else any good until i figure my self out first, not that you want to know, but ive manipulated (a woman) through shady means, to the point where shes questioning her marriage in order to “be” with me, and ill be honest i dont know how to reverse that (without putting my livelihood in jeopardy), but i made this bed, time to let the cards fall and play a game of 52 card pick up.
8/24/2015 10:32 PM
From now on, determine to tell only the highest truth.
Following that determination, you should be honest in that you tell the woman you had a life altering event – a spiritual wake-up call that has you reconsidering all parts of your life. As a result of that experience, you are now focusing on your own inner work and are in no position to be there for another person. The awakening demands focused introspection from you for sorting out your own personal life.
A suggestion only, but honest.
8/25/2015 6:48 PM
I had it planned out so that my opt out was a blackmail scheme, the more i look at my behavior the more i realize what a bad person i have become, how could i be ok with doing that kinda thing to someone who doesnt deserve it in any way, shes a good mother in a good marriage who i tricked into making bad decisions, i honestly dont want to hurt her, she doesnt deserve that, just need to figure out a way to make her see how good she has it. ill figure it out, and ill figure it out doing it the right way.
8/25/2015 8:08 PM
You amaze me. Your shift in thinking and feelings is miraculous (I do believe in miracles). You really are brilliant in the way you are working your way through this with wisdom and compassion.
As you know, truth can be used harshly to harm, or used with compassion to heal. You’ve chosen truth with compassion. That path is already healing you.
8/26/2015 8:48 PM
You have always asked me what drove me to do things, in my past, what would make me do the things i was doing, i came to an answer, it actually kinda just hit me a min ago, my very first girlfriend said “You are the biggest mistake of my life, which is saying alot ” yes she was pissed off, and it was over some dumb stuff, so it was said out of anger, but as i think about that, i realize that became a goal, to make everyone who followed repeat that sentence, and i cant think of many that at some point didnt say that. the reason im telling you that is you always looked for a link between early on and later in life, well that was early on, long before i became what i did, i dont know if it will give you any insight, but just a thought that came about.
8/26/2015 12:11 AM
I cant help but re-read what you have on your main page “people are unable to understand how someone can do something with no guilt, or remorse” “and given the right circumstances a person as such could accomplish almost anything” i think that should be reworded to say a person like this could ruin anything in their path they perceive as a speed bump on the road to their goals.
I think that more accurately describes how i feel is a little more precise of a description, because i saw everything as a bump, it might slow me down, but nothing would stop me from a goal, and im beginning to see how disturbing that really is.
Im not saying, hey go change it! just sharing a thought, as i think about what ive done…the mind games ive played…(but) thats no reason to ruin someones life, i mean as is she will have to live with this situation ive put her in, so will i of course, but because i wanted to be lazy? I believe this is what we call regret, i need to figure out how to fix things for this girl, i might not be able to fully, but i need to try.
I guess you could say ive hit a pot hole and i need to fill it in before i can move on.
8/29/2015 8:08 PM
The decision ive come to is to tell the woman the truth, just asking for an opinion about how you would react to me telling you how i had been essencially “messing” with you over the course of 2 years, i can only think of 2 out comes, one is where one of us quits, the other is a total freak out with unknown consenquences. But its all i can think of so she can go about her life in the correct path.
8/29/2015 10:25 PM
I admire your honesty. The goal is to always tell the highest truth, but with compassion and not cruelty, and with a deep honesty.
When you say you were messing with her, was it because you, yourself, was messed up? A quality of the personality trait you are now determined to correct and are correcting? And that you apologize? And that you realize you were wrong to try to destroy her marriage? You are a different person now and you will prove to her you are a good worker?
Just asking. There is way to be honest that heals and is still the deeper truth.
Let me know what you decide and how it goes.
8/30/2015 1:21 AM
When i say i was messing with her, i mean i was using charm, and deception to make her do things for me, to trigger compassion and after my break up, id use guilt and pity to again trigger responses from her to the point where she feels what she thinks are feelings of love, feelings i never intended to return, or was capable of returning, i was using her…ruining her marriage by her having feelings for me would have been just a by-product of my goals. And the problem now is that as i snap out of what i was doing, i dont have those feelings to return to her, i want her to be happy in her marriage and feel, yes i said feel, bad that i didnt care that i was about to ruin that for her, like i said previously, shes a good mom, and her husband is a good man who takes good care of her, i used every emotional trigger imaginable to make her have feelings for me, my main fear is that shes going to lose it…and this will not have a happy ending for anyone.
I know they say honestly is always the best thing, but will it do more harm than good?
8/30/2015 11:23 PM
I’m asking for inner messages for you on this, which is from where your true answers will come – from the Source inside you. Keep asking!
The one message I keep getting for you is that your honesty must be love-based instead of using it to do further harm.
I REALIZE this is new territory for you – love-based choices and actions – (you are doing incredibly well), but you need to go beyond your surface feelings to what is the most loving thing to do for you and for her. I know you are still feeling your way on some of this, but here are some issues to consider…
*Honesty that is harmful is another clever way of being cruel, so don’t fall into an old pattern out of habit. In the 12 step traditions they talk about making amends except when those amends harm another. AND, when you hurt someone else, you are also hurting yourself.
*What you give is what you receive. Tread carefully so that you move forward, not revert to old behavior because it is easy.
* Be really honest with yourself and look deeper for your true motivation:
1) Are you trying to punish yourself? Might you be thinking that your behavior was reprehensible and you “deserve” to hurt from it- thus you can blame yourself along with this new awakening by making it as painful as what you believe you deserve – another way of trying to destroy your life which you might think you warrant…
2) If not careful, you could now use your “goodness” and honesty to hurt others and do so saying “I was only honest and trying to do the right thing and look at how much it hurt someone else and hence how powerful I still am and how much what I do is powerful and affects people.”
Consider this concept: Sit with your feelings for now – that is punishment enough if you feel you deserve punishment (a cause and effect situation).Tell her the truth that you are having a midlife crisis of self- examination of why you have used others in the past to mistakenly try to get your needs met (which is impossible when you try to meet them from outside of you instead of inside you) – that you are going through a spiritual awakening and don’t know exactly who you are – that you are going to be pulling yourself inside while focusing on trying to be a good worker – that you are grateful her life is so stable with a loving husband and family as it gives you hope that someday you might have such a life – that right now, you can’t have anything as good as what she has until you do your inner growing-up work – that you appreciate her and admire the life she has managed to create for herself and will do your best to be a good worker for their organization while you pull away from people emotionally.
Also, you might consider finding an excellent therapist who also understands a spiritual approach and then tell the woman that you are working with a therapist so that you don’t lean on her or anyone too much as it is inappropriate and you appreciate her kindness to and understanding of you while you straighten out your life.
* Be aware that anything other than a gentle approach of honesty with her that upholds her dignity is a form of aggression and false neediness on your part disguised under spiritual terms. You can tell her that you are in no position to tell her anything else (than what is mentioned above) because you are awakening to your Truth – a Truth that makes you realize neither of you can find happiness by hurting another and destroying a family, an action that is no longer acceptable to you and would end badly for you and for her.
You might consider reading the codependency section of the 12 step program – there is a webpage with all the info.
You might also attend a CODA group (Co-dependency Anonymous http://coda.org/) and research some literature before you unerringly harm others even more with a form of “honesty” that might be being used as a weapon.
Concepts for your thought…
8/31/2015 2:03 AM
If i had any intention of harming her i would have come strait out and done it by now, at this point all she knows is i said i was going through a mid-life crisis, which proof is my tattoo, as its my only one, and that im trying to find myself again, she has backed off, and i have obviously backed off, and none of what she knows is a lie, this is my mid-life crisis or awakening if you want to call it that instead.
I asked your opinion because i dont know these emotions, dont know how to handle them, but i do know that if i need to learn them to become the better person i wish to be, and i want to start be doing the best thing for her and the best thing for me.
I realize that it is possible that ive already ruined her marriage, i mean the cheating on her husband has already been done, and she has to live with that and hide that or.. come strait out and tell her husband, that will have to be her decision, i cannot control that, the only thing i can control at this point is to try and fix what is left between me and her and how that will affect our careers, and how we can work together, and to be honest shes a great person, id like to be a friend for her, but that may already be ruined, i just want her to be happy, i want to be happy too of course, but ive a very long road in front of me before i can reach that goal.
I have kind of implied what has happened between me and her, but well, i manipulated her emotions, deceived her with lies to draw those emotions toward me, she has told me that she loves me, i may not be able to end this all without hurting her, but i want to try and come out of this where we are both in a place to walk away, and be able to salvage our lives to the point where we can be happy.
A month ago i didnt care about any of this, matter fact i would have been more than satisfied to see her leave her husband to be by my side as a trophy, but after that day in the park, i want nothing more than to fix what i can.
And when i look at it all now of course, its scary to see what a person like me can do, i never saw it before, but i will never be ok with doing anything like this or ever close to this to anyone ever again, i can be better, i will be better.
9/6/2015 3:07 PM
How are you getting along? Also your issue at work? Remember, you are not responsible for other’s decisions; they are responsible for their own.
Your only real power is over yourself and when aligned with the Power of the Universe which is benevolent – you are in the most powerful position any of us can be.
Don’t worry about your continued improvement. You’ve already awakened and once you awaken, you can only choose to go forward because your own inner wisdom will keep encouraging you to evolve and expand into ever new greatness. This ‘lightning bolt’ is a new adventure for you – a new game of life – and much more interesting and powerful than your old one and gives you something real to live for – a house to build on rock instead of sand. This that you are now experiencing is the true challenge that awaits you – one worth pursuing.
What you are to do from now on is to choose and speak and live from your Highest Truth. Remember, you are not to do this alone – just ask your Inner Guide.
9/7/2015 4:46 PM
Im learning my self at a slow but steady pace, i enjoy making people laugh right now, it brings a sense of happiness to me, but it doesnt quite flow yet, imagine a 10 year old just learning new jokes, some awkward, some funny, but im not trying to impress anyone im just trying to figure my self out, if that means people look at me and wonder if im on drugs or something due to the extreme nature of my change, who cares, this is all for me, i have a sense of pride in my work now, i dont just manipulate people so that they “think” im doing my work like i used to, i want to do the work for my self, so that at the end of the day i can say, yep, that was me.
I can help alot of the people who post on your forums, and i wont mind doing it when i have the time, because i have been in most situations they have, maybe not exactly, but in 1 way or another i have.
dont take this the wrong way, im not ready to believe in god yet, but you do, maybe that was planned. I just dont want to be who i was, i dont want to be the guy someone half my age (almost) needs to run away from, losing everything they care about, i already am, but never again.
9/7/2015 5:03 PM
Oh my! Listen to you! You bring tears of thankfulness and awe to my eyes to see the change in your attitude. You are one magnificent, invaluable being. One person who will now change the lives of many in a positive way. I’m so very proud of you. And I’m happy and joy-filled for you.
As to believing in God, don’t worry about that. God is working in and with you all the time even if you aren’t yet ready to accept that you are one with that Powerful Force – consider the ‘lightning bolt’; from where did you think that bolt came? And, it struck when you were seeking and asking. Remember the saying, “Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you will find”. When the time is right, the Divine will open up your heart more and more to the Truth of your Divinity. I’m not the least bit concerned about that.
When you are ready, I’d like to do a Jess page on the Truth site. The compilation of your comments, my responses, your responses during the shift, and now the change in you. Think of the power of that page! The power to help others. Others who’ve been told there is no hope for such a personality. You’ve proven the experts misinformed.
God bless you,
9/7/2015 6:11 PM
Ive destroyed so many lives in my life, most will never be the same, i can think of 3 that will never trust again, even if they tell others they do.. inside they never will, which im not proud of at this point, The least i can do for others now is tell them how to identify people like me and end it before they become that.
9/7/2015 6:21 PM
I just thought about that, what i said about pride, though i never had any.. id look at the situation and think how can i do that to others, im not sure if thats a form of pride, but its how i thought, just telling you the thought process, thats who i was.
9/7/2015 8:22 PM
Who you were was someone behaving with a negative personality – I believe originally, it was a self-survival mechanism that became familiar and what you felt safest continuing. That is no longer your personality. You are not that person. You have evolved into the Truth. You cannot change what is past. As you said previously, this is the start of your new life. The semi-colon.
At some point you will start working on forgiving yourself. But for now, your plan of action to take it one day at a time is a productive one.
As to pride, it depends on what that word means to you.
If you mean that you are pleased with yourself for your progress into the wonderful life that you are now creating for yourself, that is a good form of pride in yourself – a self-love.
If you mean that pride is ego and you feel you must do everything yourself, without help (impossible), then you are in fear and that is negative.
Love, or fear. Those are the two choices in every decision. If it isn’t love-based, then it is fear-based. Learning to make only love-based choices and decisions is the challenge for everyone to achieve. You have turned the corner from fear into faith.
9/7/2015, 8:54:59 PM
Right now i have 2 main goals, #1 be a better person for my self, #2 comes after number 1 is complete, is be that better man for my next girl,I want to be someone that a persons is happy to be with, not someone who is with me cuz they are stuck with me.
9/7/2015 8:57 PM
Both excellent goals and in the right priority.
9/8/2015 9:30 AM
Here is the vision I had about you last night after I asked for answers on your going deeper into your past at this time.
In the vision, you were trying to get above the story ‘lines’ by putting your head between two symbolic wires/lines (like clothes lines), but the lines were keeping you trapped, not allowing you to rise above them, and they were strangling you until you collapsed.
The vision shifted to you moving out from under the ‘lines’ with nothing to impede your expansion, allowing you to go as high as you choose. Freedom!
Do you see the images? Do you see what they are telling you?
The understanding I am receiving is that starting this moment you are to walk away from the ‘stories’ (your experiences), at least until you are stronger, and maybe forever (it didn’t show me beyond the ‘now!). Don’t get caught in the trap of continually reliving them. Don’t let the past strangle you, keeping you from all you can be. This is your opportunity. Let it go, release it.
Does that mean you won’t remember them? No. But what I’m sensing at this time is that when they pop up at some future date when you are stronger and not so new at this grand adventure, then perhaps that is the time to look at them and forgive them because you were doing the best you could at the time and didn’t know another way. Now you do know another way.
I’m sensing for right now to just let go and trust.
Also, don’t be afraid to go within and say ‘help me!’
After saying that I will say your response to the woman yesterday about the children getting help was wonderful and healing.
The difference is when your contribution heals and is from love – a positive approach – and it didn’t dwell in the darkness.
Go ‘inside’ yourself, and listen for your inner guide. What is it telling you?
9/8/2015 11:51 AM
People classify others based on what they know, she goes on to use words like mentally abusive and things of that nature later in her letter, so i guess my best answer is you need to keep track of what you are seeing/hearing, people know when they are being mentally abused, when you can show a genuine emotion like sadness or anger and they can look at you with a strait face, with a perplexed look on their face, and it happens often, its because they are trying to figure out what they did to draw that response and genuinely dont understand why you are feeling emotions, i cant really explain this without a scenario im sorry for this in advance.
When me and a girl broke up, she asked me if i ever cared for her, my response was “nope” no emotion, looked her dead in the eye and said that, turned around and went on my way, a normal person would have a more of an explanation there, i know this is a bit extreme of a scenario for the subject but you can kind of tone it down, being able to do things like that is pretty obvious that theres a problem.
9/8/2015 5:29 PM
Every time i start to think of my past i look at my tattoo, its there when i drive (im left handed so its always visable), when i start to think things i know are not right, i look down, its always there, and always will be, My story just began. This is my challenge now, but im ready for it.
9/13/2015 2:47 PM
I used to think fear ruled people, they did things out of fear of what would happen if they did something or in some cases didnt do anything, I was wrong, i didnt understand it, people do things because they love something, everything in between is because of that love, EX: they go to work to make money, to feed their family, so that they can in turn love something without fear.
I always thought it was fear of being homeless/alone or what ever, but no its love for what they feel strong for.
I actually get it, still new to me, but i had it all wrong.
9/18/2015 9:23 PM
I’ve always known how things are suppose to work, how my mind should do things. But ive always followed a lesser path, one where i intended to hurt not help. It is still tough to decide between right and wrong at times my mind thinks “Well if i did it this way i could later get or do this.” I have found so far at least that accepting personal responsibility is what makes it different, being able to say yes i did that and i was at fault.
9/18/2015 2:55 PM
So ive been talking to a girl (woman, shes 34) And we have been getting along great. Finally she asked me if i wanted to go out, and i paused, looked at her and started to tell her 100% the truth about my self, what ive done, who i was, what my current goals are, and why i have to tell her no. I looked at her and had no desire to lie to her, wanted her to know who i am and let her decide if i was still worth her time.
Her answer was this “Everyone has regrets, makes mistakes, You just admitted the truth knowing i would most likely walk away, That is what tells me you aren’t that guy anymore.” She then said when i was ready for it the offer still stood.
I said i couldnt admit i had feelings for her, i will admit i have some, auto-correct can do some weird things.
9/18/2015 4:42 PM
So proud of you!!! Yay you! Telling the truth not knowing the outcome is huge for you. How does it feel?
9/18/2015 8:03 PM
It felt good actually, I admit it was a little strange just coming out and telling someone person to person what kind of person you have been and how you are looking for a second chance, and the strangest part was she understood and is willing to give me that chance when i feel i’m ready for it. I just didn’t want to hide it from her. I couldn’t I admit i have some feelings for her, but its way to soon, im still trying to learn my self. i would do nothing but hurt her and not intentionally, but because im not ready to honestly offer her who i really am yet, would be like giving her a book where every other page was missing.
9/18/2015 8:42 PM,
In your wisdom you are moving forward correctly – with honesty – and at a comfortable pace for you. I’m impressed how quickly you ‘got it’.
9/27/2015 5:08 PM
Jess, this post (re Superficial T post) is for you. This is someone who suffered with the personality as you once suffered and he wants to change.
9/27/2015 9:46 PM
From Jess (re posting by Superficial T)
Hes nowhere near as bad off as i was, and unfortunately if he does have a military background as he says, he may need medical help as well because he may have some suffering from PTSD as well, which advice no matter how helpful might not help.
9/27/2015 9:54 PM
A great response.
You obviously long to understand yourself and to know more about how you think and behave. Participating on the blog site can be a vehicle to making amends for past mistaken behavior and to show that your life has redeeming value, which it does without question! No experience you have is wasted if you can learn from it and teach others – your story, your intelligence and your rigorous ability to be “ruthlessly” honest with yourself is an enormous gift many lack, and you can use your gifts to free yourself and others if you choose to do so. Helping others is also another way to make a healthy penance and in so doing, free yourself. Freedom is one of your powerful values.
Remember, that in admitting the extent of your behavior you are not looking for darkness; you are looking to shine the light into the dark corners of your life and see how stuck you were and what needs you were trying to get met. With the Sacred Light of Truth you may eradicate those dark places while you gently continue your work on self-love. True, your past monsters can be dark and scary; the secret is not to hide and ignore them but to realize them for what they were – unhealthy defense mechanisms. At some point during the cleansing you will actually forgive yourself because you were doing what you thought you needed to do to survive. Those experiences made you into the person you are today. Those experiences will help you to help others in a way you never could without them.
The light and truth are healing – you are not your past Thoughts, Experiences or Feelings – you are present here and now and in the Light you are fully supported in releasing the past and cleansing your soul. Nothing you’ve done defines or determines who you are – it was all very misguided and trapped ways of trying to get basic needs met. Your “victims” participated by their same desire to get needs met and to deny their own power and wisdom – it was a mutually destructive participation – don’t ever forget that no matter how bad it sounds…. There are NO victims, just paths that don’t work well…..
You are working toward full exposure to the light, but remember your Higher Power is the Healing, Cleansing, and Purifying Light.
Also please know you can’t become a better person because you already One with the Divine Wisdom, Divine Love Itself and with all of the power that is part of that connection.
What you can do is:
*Free yourself from the small pettiness so that you experience your true nature when you let go of the limited and truncated survivor patterns you learned to get your needs met in a very dependent and victimizing way.
*Make positive, life-healing choices.
*Instead of ‘wishing’, choose to accept and be fully present as the magnificence you are.
*Allow yourself to expand into the full potential and power that is always within you, always benevolent and is yours to claim.
9/27/2015 10:50 PM
You have my permission make a blog page, i think it could help alot of people…but I wonder if people will believe me now?
9/28/2015 10:37 AM
You can be believed now because you experienced a spiritual awakening and that only moves you forward.
You can’t ask others to trust you- you must trust yourself and they will have to decide for themselves, but the energy of love can be trusted.
Of course you have a motive- we all do. Your motive is to be free from illusion and the powerless path you were on. You awakened to the possibility of true power and real love and connection- all of which we are all hard wired to want. You tasted the real thing and real is so superior to counterfeit that you can’t go back to artifice. People will believe what they want to believe- your responsibility is only to believe what is true and wholesome and freeing and inwardly satisfying to your true soul.
We are all connected in Oneness so the system is rigged that what is truly satisfying on a Soul level will be beneficent to all regardless of appearances or ego mind agreement.
You want to help others because it helps you, and that is good. No separation here.
I’m honored to be included in your awakening and enlightened expansion.
10/15/2015 2:52 PM
From Jess responding to a posting from a woman afraid to leave her abusive husband.
Truth always says you can only control 1 thing, and thats what you do yourself. And i have come to follow that and its very good advice as long as you follow it. You can only control the things that you personally do. What happens around you, you will never be able to control, the choices and things that others make and do you can never change. Do what is best for you, start there, you already know what is best for you, Make it happen, you are here so you already know what needs to be done, so make a plan and make it happen.
10/22/2015 6:02 PM
1 thing i worry about are people thinking everyone can be changed, what they are going to fail to understand is that you need a total shock to the system (so to speak) to change that person, you need to basically force them to see their own behavior and make them at least see that they need to change, and the only way they will change is by forcing them to have space so they can cycle though all the things they do, have done.
As i said, if i hadn’t had the shock then taken the next half year to examine my self, i wouldn’t be where i am now. If my EX had remained in contact with me, or I her, i would have been plotting and scheming or if nothing else without the shock i would have moved on and started on another girl.
10/22/2015 9:49 PM
(As to setting up helpful information on the Truth blog site) I think that is a good idea, i want people to understand how hard it was for me, and how many unfathomable hours i spent thinking about my self, and what i needed to do to fix my self, and how hard it will be for someone to change someone like me from inside a relationship, i dont think alot of people will understand that, that will be an uphill road that you must travel and will have flat tires and icy roads
10/23/2015 11:49 AM
I want people to have hope, but i want them to also understand the odds of changing someone are about the same odds of winning to lottery, for every 1 winner theres 1 million more that didnt win.
Also i like the idea, because everyone is looking for something that pertains to their own life, some will sit down and try and find it, others want the staples easy button. To reach everyone i think that is a great idea, because if they are looking, they obviously need the help. Im willing to admit now that i was looking for help, i didnt understand it at the time, but i was looking, and i found it.
I dont know if i formally have thanked you, But you have helped me more than anyone, i dont know you person to person, and you know more about my issues than probably anyone else, yet you stuck with it and chimed in when you felt it appropriate, you helped me figure my self out. And i hope you learned something as well, i hope we both took something from it all. 6 or 8 months ago, when ever it was, it feels like forever for me now, i was a total disaster, a wrecking ball to anyone in my path. I never imagined i could feel the things i do now, Now when i look back at my life i will remember the help you gave me, that will always be there.
Thank you for your from-the-heart words. How fabulous to even include the words ‘from-the-heart’ in this email with you!
I’m honored and grateful and proud.
Honored that the Higher Power purposely brought us together, two strangers in different parts of the world and yet connected through the One. There are no accidents, no happenstances; we were brought together for a purpose – and I am honored to be part of it – amazing – a miracle. I’m honored to have served in allowing the Divine Messages to flow through me for your healing.
I’m grateful for your tenacity and so very proud of you that you stayed with it and didn’t give up. There were so many instances when you could have not responded, or refused to open your mind to a better way, but you didn’t let go. You held on, as if onto a life-life – and it is. A Life-Line. That took tremendous courage. Wow!
I also believe we are meant to work together to heal others, but I don’t want to include you in a way that makes it more difficult for you. You must take care of you. That is upmost.
And yes, how can I not benefit? To be part of the positive, encouraging messages that first filled me but were meant for you was incredible. I believed in you from the beginning. I knew you were seeking, even though you denied it. I just knew.
Kudos to you, Jess. You’ve accomplished what few in history ever have. That was because of your determination to find a better way. I’m so proud of you.
I would be more than willing to help, as in the current instance of the poster known as Torn, she has been looking for help, went through who knows how many websites, she stopped at yours because of me, she basically said she read about my slow but sure changes and it made her see that even though it is rare, it can happen. I have given her hope, no that isnt my ego speaking, but i might be able to help them, and to be honest that is a good feeling.
10/25/2015 8:49 PM
People can relate to you in a way they cannot with me because you’ve lived it. It’s not ego; it’s the truth. The Divine is working through you too.
10/25/2015 8:58 PM
I have looked back a little bit, not reading everything just a little bit, my changes are there, its slow but if you look hard enough it can be seen.
10/25/2015, 9:19:11 PM
Yes, the subtle shift is there. Amazing to witness. Your shift will bring hope to those who’ve been told change is impossible. What they don’t realize is that nothing is impossible with God. You’ve been chosen. I’m glad it feels good for you. A long time coming. Something you once doubted you would ever experience.
God bless you.
Truth, my past defines who i am and who i can become, my past is very dark, but even the darkest places have light come to them. I do like the idea of the summary, would give me a chance to let people know what kind of mental changes they will have, how hard it is not to slip back, but if one tries, anyone can change.
Your past does not define who you are, merely what you experienced. Change is possible for anyone. I commend you because you allowed the shift to happen. Despite any fear, you let go and with determination, you changed your life. CONGRATULATIONS!
With God, all is possible. God bless you.