N/S, want to change?

Photo by Daven Hiskey

Purpose of Page:

From JESS:

If You are a Sociopathic Narcissist and are looking to change, i am proof its possible!

But it took everything i had in me to even begin to make that change, It was not easy by any means, and there were times i thought it would be easier to just keep doing what i knew how to do, but i don’t want to ruin lives any longer, I want to assist anyone i can so they too can better them selves.

Being an NS is something that can be changed.  It was a choice you made.  Skills and mindsets were developed that put you in a place to becoming a NS. You won’t remember making this choice because it simply just happened because of events in your life which caused you to protect yourself, which in turn began this process. If you have made it here you may be ready to change that, but its a challenge that few can achieve.

I am one who made the change, and I feel like a better person for it, my life is changing for the better. That underlying feeling of being alone is gone, We can all change, but you need to be willing to take on the challenge, and it starts with admitting to yourself that you can do better.

See Jess’s Transformation – 5 months of dialogue revealing Jess’s subtle shift to his ‘lightning bolt’ experience.


Are you someone who feels trapped in a Narcissistic/Sociopath personality – like a butterfly enclosed within a chrysalis that never opens?  Do you want a better life for yourself where you can truly be the wonderful being you are – where you can spread your wings and fly?  You can change, but you have to want it with extreme determination and patience – the most worthwhile effort you can spend in this lifetime to bring you a better life.

Read through the pages and comments.  Read the Jess’s Transformation page. Jess is an inspiring example of breaking free of the personality and truly enjoying life for the first time.  This can happen for you, too.  If that is your choice.

If you are exploring the potential of change, and would like support and encouragement, then post your comments on this page.

46 thoughts on “N/S, want to change?

    Unknown said:
    March 31, 2016 at 4:30 am

    Google “narcissistic personality disorder”. All you find is pages and pages dealing with treating the victims of narcissists, of people saying, “they will never, ever change, if they DO change it’s just another act, it’s impossible, run away!” I don’t blame anyone for wanting to get away from me. At the same time I am conflicted, and I’m tired of hearing doctor after doctor, spiritual leader after spiritual leader, even those who used to love me and have suffered for it…telling me that I’ll never change, that it’s impossible, and that my lot in life is to suffer forever, and to make those around me suffer forever until I die lonely.

    I read Jess’s Transformation page. The things I struggle with, though, are:

    1) How can I tell when I’m truly on the road to change, and when is it just my ego, another “false self”, stepping in to protect the damage? I believe I have embraced God at this point, but I still “trigger” when someone criticizes me. I still feel the anger welling up to defend me, and it takes everything I have to hold it back. I fail more often than I succeed, and I get grandiose ideas about miraculous changes, when I honestly don’t know if I can change. I’ve been so wrong, and everyone has told me I will always be this way, and given my history of mistakes, sometimes I believe them. Jess, how do you know that this “transformation” is different, and not just another personage/false self that you’ve created to receive praise/”supply” from Truth and the others? I could say the same thing, that I’ve had “lightning bolts” in my life, especially recently, that I’m reaching out to God…but sometimes even the words or the prayers coming out of my own mouth sound hollow to me, without conviction. Like I’ve been living the lie for so long that there ISN’T a real person inside any more…I’ve just constructed another False Self to try and serve God, and sooner or later that False Self will be forced to hurt someone again. I’ve read that Narc/Socs often endear themselves to therapists, start running “groups”, and giving advice to others as a source of “supply”…how do YOU know that this time it’s different, and how did you get there??

    2) I struggle so hard with what Truth said in the NS blog…that I have to ” know what I want out of life”. That’s where I’ve always fallen flat. I DON’T KNOW what it is I want. I know now what it is I DON’T want…I don’t want to live without emotion or empathy any more. I don’t want to hurt other people. I know I want to give people the love they deserve. I know I want to re-connect to my emotions…I think half the reason I don’t empathize with others is because I don’t empathize with myself…I’ve learned to box out my own emotions so all I feel is pride and shame, and so how can I understand someone else’s happiness, sadness, anger, etc…when all I feel is those two?

    I’ve read books by all kinds of famous spiritual teachers, psychologists, and I get neck-deep into them, all enthusiastic about FINALLY being able to CHANGE, and then they always ask the same question…”what do you want out of life?” And I draw an utter blank. “Normal” people have such an easy time with this…it makes me feel so stupid. That’s usually when I give up…when the devil on my shoulder manages to convince me again that it’s “hopeless” and all I can do is TRY (and fail) to not hurt anyone else. I need to answer this question. Jess, did you ever find any answers to THAT question?? Did you ever make the “list” that Truth recommended of things you want in life?

    If I look back, that is at the core of all of my failures…that I lack a “true self”, on some level I know this, and that any impetus toward change gets dismissed as just another “false self” stepping in to try to repair my ego. Those two questions I can’t answer…1) How do I know this is the REAL me that wants to heal and not just another façade making a noble pretense, and 2) how can I overcome this, if I DON’T want anything? I assume my own wants have just been pushed down so long that I don’t recognize them any more or I’ve given up on them. I can’t be empathetic if I can’t even be human.

    I just know I don’t want to live like this any more. I’ve tried to do it myself and I can’t. I want to do it God’s way, the Higher Power’s way…and join the winning team. I don’t want to live like this any more…I would rather be dead than be what all of these psychologists and spiritual leaders and recovering Narc/Soc victims say I am…a broken person unable to change, and doomed to ruin the lives of everyone around me.


      truthlover5 responded:
      March 31, 2016 at 11:27 pm

      You do know what you want – YOU WANT TO CHANGE! That is all you need to know at this point. And, it’s huge. Focus on that ONE THING.

      Jess has proven transformation is possible. With God, ALL things are possible – if you want it badly enough. And you do. You can do this. I feel it inside that you are already in the process of shift but fears are holding you back and convincing you that you can’t make it. That information is false. I believe in you.

      Some suggestions to help you:

      If what you are experiencing is lack of confidence, or that you aren’t progressing as quickly as you want, or that people keep telling you it’s impossible for you to change – then you know ego is at work. Ego pulls you down, is negative, makes you doubt yourself, instills you with fear. Divine Guidance encourages, inspires, urges you to reach outside of your comfort zone and reach for something bigger and better for you and your life.

      Talk to God for everything. Ask questions, ask for guidance, and most important ask for help. If you aren’t sure of the answers, then ask again. If the answer doesn’t make sense to you, say so – (yes, I argue or debate with Jesus/Holy Spirit/Higher Power when I don’t understand the message or it doesn’t make sense to me. Debating with Pure Intelligence is good because you will keep drilling down until you do understand, and that is powerful).

      Here is the secret part – Jesus said to ask in prayer, THEN believe you have already received it, without doubt, and to live as if you have already received what you asked for, THEN you will receive it. Do you see? You must believe you’ve received before you actually do. That is Faith. That is Trust. That is the secret. There is also mention of forgiveness; at this point that means forgiveness of yourself.

      You are not to do this alone. Doing it alone is ego – the illusion of separation. You are never alone. You are always connected with and one with that Powerful Wisdom, but you must ask. Then listen. Trust. You will receive guidance. Your Creator is love and will respond with love. Listen for the answers. Become aware of your thoughts to see if they are fear-based (ego, lower energy vibration, negative), or love-based (Your True Eternal Self, the higher energy vibration, positive).

      You also have help here on this site. I am here for you. I do not judge you because we all make mistakes and make bad choices. I KNOW without doubt that you are already on the Higher Path. Can you feel it? I do. The positive reactions will increase. Every time you make a good choice, congratulate yourself and tell God “Thank You”. Be grateful of your good choices.

      Get back to me about you and how you are doing. I care.



      Jess said:
      April 1, 2016 at 10:46 am

      Unfortunately i cant tell you how you will know if you are changing, but for me, i no longer dwell on the past, and id give anything and everything for my girlfriend now and i want to give the world to my child that is on the way. I no longer want to be someones biggest mistake, i want to be someone they can trust, my girlfriend knows everything about me, not a single lie has gone between us. All those things right there i was incapable of in the past, i didnt care about them, i wouldnt have had any feelings what so ever. When i look at my girlfriend now, i can just smile and know i like where i am headed right now, im not sitting there plotting against her, I just smile because she makes me happy.

      A few days over a year ago i finally came to terms with who i was, that was step 1. As for what you want out of life, no one has a good answer for that. I still dont, but i do know that if i give every single day my best, then tomorrow will be another good day.
      Dont try and change for anyone other than your self, you cant care about what anyone else thinks about you, thats where a NS falls apart, they cant stand it when people dont think of them in the way they want.
      I no longer care about that, it doesnt matter to me anymore. I’m going to act like my self because thats who i am, if they hate me, or like me, so be it.
      It took such a long time for me to change my self, my behaviors, my thoughts, its a long road full of twists and turns, and it can be easy to fall back, but this time, i decided i was better than that, i wanted to be a better person for my self, If you are trying to change for a girlfriend, or because a doctor told you that you need to, you will never change. You need to make that decision, you have been plotting and scheming probably your whole life, well plan 1 last scheme, the one that makes you a better person to your self.

      Once you have made that decision, no one can stop you, stop caring what they think, let them think you have gone totally insane. You are probably reading this thinking, that is dumb advice, he doesnt know what hes talking about. If that last sentence is true, you arnt ready to change yet, but at least you know who you are now, start with that, if you dont want to be better, if you want to be alone, you can just climb back in that rabbit hole that we as a NS do. If you get to the point where you want to come out of it, you will understand how i know that ive managed to change.


        Viru said:
        February 9, 2018 at 7:11 pm

        Jess well said. I had almost similar story untill2015 when I really had strong desire to change and come out of the NS zone and really changed my life for better but again after 2 years, I fell back down because I really did not gave single thought of how much really struggle I did to change myself for better but again I am damn fell down into the rabbit hole and ruined my career and reputation in life.


        Viru said:
        February 9, 2018 at 7:20 pm

        Why it is that I never understand and learn from my past mistake. People do many wrong things but there is always a time when they do feel within their heart strongly that they want to change for better and get settle. at the age of 25 years, I am still living in the same NS zone and feeling helpless and powerless because I always think bad for my own self and others who really want to make relation with me. I betrayed everyone in life including my parents though my parents see me as their child and support me. I do not understand at the age of 25 years(an adult man) I still have feelings of living powerless and helpless and always work on hurting and manipulating everyone, I need to change because its still 25 years and I cant live my whole life in suh lonely and horrible place who just lives to manipulate and hurt everyone around me.


      Viru said:
      December 23, 2017 at 8:57 pm

      I have same kind of life. I always never felt any empathy for any one. I never had any goals in life. even though I am studying engineering but it doesnt make me feel any importnce. I never had any actual goal or interest. I walys hurt people around me but felt no remorse. I say sorry/ apologize but they are only words for me. I feel completely flat and shallow inside always lied everyone. even I lied my parents and I konw I lied but never felt guilt for it. I really dont know what I want from my life but I only know one thing. whole life I do not want to live my life like this lonely, emotionless , full of false and lie with grandiose sense of self and very vulnerable to everythign around me because i have no specific goals in life. I dont want to live my whole life like this. I want serious help to change myself in better responsible crative empathetic and contributing man.


        truthlover5 responded:
        December 23, 2017 at 9:12 pm

        Congratulations. You have made a first huge step! You seek what you know is a better way. You can change. Jess’s story shows that. The first key is that you must want to change. That is foremost, and you are already on that path. The second is that all things are possible with God. You are not meant to make the change alone. I don’t know how open you are at this point to a Higher Power, but whether or not you are aware of it, you have a spiritual team that is eager to co-partner with you to change your life. I realize it takes courage, but you already have it. I will be happy to work with you on this. I am here for you.

        Did you read Jess’s story yet? Please note his update after his original comment that explains how his life has changed and he is very happy now. He first sounded just like you.

        Get back with me.

        God bless you.


        Viru said:
        February 9, 2018 at 6:15 pm

        Hi Jess. since 2015 I did change myself and came USA for higher studies with full of joy and inspiration and new life as I deeply felt myself to change my life and become a better person. However, after one year of struggle and hard work I was very happy earning money and supporting friends and family and doing well with studies with interest. However, I again felt now I don’t want to work hard anymore. I do not want to contribute to the society and started negativity inside my subconscious mind. I got many opportunities to move forward but deep within me, I have a feeling that I don’t want to change and work hard and earn more money and get a job and contribute to the society. Since one year I am in a constant loop of negativity and self-sabotaging and again feeling same as before 3 years. Unlike before(when I did have strong desire to change my life), now I don’t have any urge within me, inside my soul I don’t have any single emotions of changing myself for better and prosper. I am in huge debt of INR50,00,000. Still, I do not feel any desire within me to change myslef to work. There is no drive and inspiration for any worthful thing in life. Instead when I see a person(family member) who gets excited and emotional looking me after many years, I dont feel such excitement and instead, I strongly feel happy of taking a chance of misusing them and hurting them. Including parents. I know a man(dad) who is supporting my studies since my schooling, instead of feeling grateful genuinely and helping him, I take advantage of him and mother. The main point to make is whenever any person shows genuine respect and support to me, I take advantage and disrespect him and I feel good and feel very comfortable in meeting and helping strangers easily and randomly. How can I feel the urge and real emotions and instinct of change? Every person in this world feels an emotional impact in their life when they hit the ground or fail no matter how many times. I have read power of subconscious mind and many self-improvement books but still today I am in such horrible condition because I practiced behaving as a dumb man who can exactly be described as a narcissist/sociopath. But it is not like that in me. There is no willingness in my heart to change and prosper and make life worthful and impactful in society. How can I pray god genuinely to inspire and make changes within me genuinely because even when I play positive affirmations and devotional music to pray God it is just shallow?


        Viru said:
        February 21, 2018 at 4:33 pm

        Hello! With respect to my previous comment. once I came out of selfish narcissist behaviour years ago and I started living a responsible life but again after one small crisis and life-changing event of responsibilities, I fall back into the same depressive, sociopathic character. I really want to change for better for rest of my life and become a responsible man. I read Jess transformation. However, I don’t feel the courage to make corrections in my behavior and feel powerless.


        truthlover5 responded:
        February 21, 2018 at 4:50 pm

        You are never powerless, unless you choose to be. That is a choice. You can be pitiful, or powerful, but you can’t be both.

        I don’t know about your spiritual faith, but the TRUTH is that you have within you the Greatest Power in the Universe, a power that is bigger than any problem, a power that, with your permission, will work with you to co-create the magnificence of your life you are meant to experience. That power has all of the right answers. That power inspires courage because you know you are not now and never are alone. That power is your team-mate, your go-to for all of your needs, your Unlimited Supplier (not a human).

        So how do you tap into that power? You go within. You ask for help. You ask for guidance. The strongest prayer is “help me!” Open a Divine dialogue where you question, listen, question again, even argue, until the ‘aha’ strikes you like a blinding flash. The answers often come so quickly you’ll doubt you heard anything, so ask for clarity. You’ll doubt yourself. Don’t. Trust. Have faith. Once you open that inner door, guidance and courage and love will flow into you. That is an Eternal Truth.

        With that Inner Power as your co-partner, there is nothing you cannot accomplish. NOTHING. ALL IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD.

        Go for it, Viru! What do you have to lose? Only your fear. What do you gain? Love and joy and happiness.

        One more thing, and this is crucial. Learn to love and forgive yourself. Again, ask for spiritual help. You are not ever expected to do it alone. Work with your Inner Power.

        I, too, am here for you. Keep in touch.



        Viru said:
        February 22, 2018 at 4:15 pm

        Thanks, Truth. But how should I tune to my spirit guide and harness the true power back? I am working on affirmations and self-talk to alter my false and negative beliefs. I want to really become a responsible man with real self image to work and provide honest service and support myself and my family and earn respect in society. However, I dont know when I see people who respect and supports me, I try to take advantage(misuse) of them. I allow and depend on others to take decisions for my life even private and personal decisions I relly on others. I cannot take my personal decisions by myself. When I take decisons for myself I feel I really want to do this. I dont want to do this actually. Means even I doubt my decision whether I seariously want it or not. For intimate relations, I dont feel emotional connection and always lie and manipulate things around. I always betrayed her. When I say something good, it doesn’t come from my heart.


        truthlover5 responded:
        February 22, 2018 at 5:14 pm

        Here is my suggestion: Go to a quiet space – either in your home, or in a nature park – somewhere that you will be undisturbed by others and can focus on yourself. Get quiet, take a deep breath, and allow any tension you have to flow out of you. Then, go inside yourself and start a conversation with your Higher Power. You can even introduce yourself, but that isn’t necessary. Your Inner Power knows who you are, created you, loves you, and is merely waiting for you to give permission and to allow the two-way conversation to develop. Say what you feel like saying, ask whatever questions you want to ask. Ask for help. KNOW that you will receive guidance and answer. Sometimes it takes a while to trust what you are receiving. You might doubt yourself, question yourself. That is normal when you are opening up to something that is new to you.

        There is a book that might help you called “Divine Messages from Jesus, for a magnificent life” by Carolyne Cathey. https://carolynecathey.com/divine-messages-from-jesus/, available in paperback and kindle. She explains the many ways you will receive messages from God, the Source, the Creator, the Great Power, whatever name you choose to use. She also have messages about everyday life.

        Don’t be nervous or afraid in this next step of opening to Divine Guidance, your Divine co-partner in your life. Once you open up to this, your life will begin to shift in a positive direction, a direction you prefer. Don’t give up. This will be empowering for you. True power.

        Stay with me on this. I will help you.



        Viru said:
        February 23, 2018 at 10:12 am

        Truth. I understood the point. I dont know the reason but inside me, I always squander the power and energy and time and money everything. I mean I read books on power of subconcious mind and other spiritual books and understood them. Still when I am onto with my family and friends who actually helps me it is so easy for me to misuse them even though it hurts them and me ultimately. I already know I can never be happ in my life in this way but still, I resist change for better. I simply cannot take responsibbility for my life and actions that hurts everyone in life. I know for long-term I got to change for better and take my own responsibilities but i simply feel powerless and pessimistic about my life. I want to live happy life but once I become happy I get uncontrolled and become vulnerable and get of board easily. How can I have control on my own life and remain true to my goals and responsibilities? I do pray God for the answer it seems completely empty. No emotions of faith inside me. Even motivational videos and real successful people I am interacting with cannot make me an inner instinct to change myself for better.


        truthlover5 responded:
        March 5, 2018 at 12:12 pm

        Jesus said “It is done to you according to your belief/faith”. What you believe is imperative. What you believe, is the causation for your results. In other words, your life is the image of your beliefs. There are several beliefs you expressed that are at the root cause of where you are right now in your life. We’ll discuss them.

        First, let me say, you are loved. You are loved by your Creator unconditionally, without judgment. What that means is that you, along with everyone, are all loved anyway, no matter what. The way we are Divinely loved is our example of how we are to love ourselves and others. That sounds easy, but it isn’t, not without Divine help.

        Second, let me say that you are not alone, neither with your actions to which many can relate as having the same challenges, but most importantly, you are NEVER alone or separate from your Divine Guide/s. You have that never-disconnected power within you that guides you to make wiser choices which result in more pleasant results.

        One of the challenges you are facing is how to get what you are learning and studying from your head into your heart. As long as the intention stays mental, you won’t experience the fullness of the Truth. When you are in your head (ego), you hear negative thoughts that tell you about all of your faults, how you don’t measure up, berates you for thinking you can do fabulous things. Even with all you are studying, when it is mixed up with the negativity in your mind that seeks to control you, you won’t achieve your desired results.

        When you sit quietly, then let your thoughts drift down into your heart, feel the difference! At least for me, when I am in my head I experience fears, doubts and ‘what ifs’ and all the reasons why something won’t work, or you can’t change, etc. etc. When I drop into my heart, I feel peace, a knowing that all will be well, that I won’t necessarily know the how or when, but I just ‘know’ that I’m being guided and loved and all will work out as intended.

        Your biggest challenge right now is your negative thinking about yourself. Examples from your own words:
        • I always squander the power and energy and time and money everything
        • it is so easy for me to misuse them even though it hurts them and me ultimately
        • I resist change for better
        • I simply cannot take responsibility for my life and actions that hurts everyone in life.
        • i simply feel powerless and pessimistic about my life.
        • once I become happy I get uncontrolled and become vulnerable and get off board easily
        • it seems completely empty. No emotions of faith inside me.

        Those are your beliefs. You are living the results of your beliefs. Do you want to change the results? Then you MUST change your thoughts to the positive. You must change your beliefs. BECAUSE, it is done to you AS YOU BELIEVE.

        Give your Inner Guide permission to shift your thoughts and energy from the negative to the positive. You might not hear anything or feel anything at first, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t something powerful going on in the background for you, something that will grow and develop and strengthen you – empowerment. God/Source/Creator/Force is the empowerment that empowers you by working through you. Ask, then allow.

        A suggestion:
        Take each one of your negative comments from above and rewrite them to the positive, then let me know what you write so that we might discuss the power behind them.
        For example:
        • I resist change for better
        • “I AM OPEN TO AND EAGERLY RECEIVE CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!” You will do an even more powerful rewording for yourself.
        This will be a life-changing exercise for you. Don’t push it aside. Go for it. Prepare for amazing changes in your life.


        Viru said:
        March 7, 2018 at 5:48 pm

        Okay. I have tried this before. I stopped this exercise so I am in this stage again. I will try doing this now.

        Liked by 1 person

        truthlover5 responded:
        March 7, 2018 at 6:29 pm

        I sense an inner-power difference with you this time. Monitor your thoughts and when they go negative, immediately switch it to a positive statement. IT IS AS YOU BELIEVE. Keep in touch with me on this. I am here for you. Remember, you are not alone.


        Viru said:
        March 18, 2018 at 9:34 pm

        Hi Truth. I am trying and know things but I am still in the same negative and pessimistic thought patterns. Also in a holding pattern of lack and limitation. I have great opportunities in front of me but it just doenst seem enthusiastic to work for in life. I tried that thought changing exercise but honestly, deep inside me I feel I am alone and I cant do anything in life. I dont want to work hard in life. Or when I dont have anything I feel I also want to work in life comparing others whosoever I see in fron of me. So there is no real sense of self belief and real sense of my own self. I dont feeel realistic self image which can make me feel proud of my own life. Evry person in life works to create and enjoy life after temporary defeat or disaster, but i am such person who wnats to destroy myself . I am criticizing myself silently every single act I do, every single thing I say. I just dont love myself. I cannot feel empathy for my own life. Every time, I think what I want I am in big question mark. Any person in the world has something or another thing in life they are emotionally connected to or feel good in doing , interested in something or the other, but I just dont have such things in life. I dont know what I want form my life although I know my soul mission here on earth. I read my life path and soul purpose. But when I try to learn and act on that thing, I just instantly feel I dont want to do it. That means every action I take physically towards something, within me I feel I don’t want to do it, I don’t like it and so reuslt of my action is a failure ! I am a smart man, having good learning abilities, I read many self-help books gaining knowledge about how to change but as I dont have any inner desire to change myself, I just cant make it. every change comes from within first. But deep inside my heart, I constantly feel I am a sociopath and as an adult sociopath becomes criminals. I come from a well-educated family and I have engineer degree, but I dont know my behavior is very unprofessional and like a sociopath. I cannot keep myself in control, so it is almost impossible to control and manage things outside. Also, the responsibilities that I have to take care of means which only I can do, I secretly feel someone else should do it for me. and secretly I feel to do things which is not my concern at all. how can I change myself?


        Viru said:
        March 31, 2018 at 7:57 pm

        Hi truth lover, As you mentioned the suggestions, I have some things like all the knowledge I gain in my head, I just cannot take actions to use the knowledge in career. I dont know, I am ruining my career. At age 25, I simply have no desire to change myself but I know I am not at all happy in my current situation of being egoistic in life. I lack true realistic sense of self. SIlently I am comparing myself with everyone around me and so I cannot act my own individual way of life. I also know, I was not narcissist a year ago, when I really worked hard and got job, helped others but I dont really know, what I want to be professional. at age25 where, its a time of serious responsibilities and simply can’t work in life and passing time doing nothing at the end of the day. I simply cant stand on my feet once I fall back because of the reason I cannot control my own life. I am having very strong inner conflict in everything I do. So truth everything I am doing in life is nothing but a fake life. I know my parents are telling me to give me money for my education, but deep inside me, I seriously cannot take real responsibilties by thinking long term.
        WHen I change and achieve some success, when people congratulate me for something good I do, I cannot simply take it into heart. I cannot feel empathy and care for my own life. I simply dont have inner sense of self respect, how can I drift my thoughts of ego into heart to achieve success continuosly? As you mentioned in previous commennt, I am tring to drift into heart and tryiing to call divine power to chang eme for better, but again, I cannot even relax myself, cnanot sleep even. I know money is important in life, but I cannot really bring those thoughts of ego in my mind into heart to experience life of successs, and happiness.


        truthlover5 responded:
        April 1, 2018 at 8:01 pm

        This is what I know for you: You are loved. The Divine loves you and is moving through you urging a personal shift in you to lead you toward a better life for you. You aren’t to do this alone but to do so along with your Spiritual Team that co-partners with you in your life. You are not a narcissist. Narcissists would never admit to a failing, I think you are just confused. That is okay. What I’m sensing from you is an immense lack of confidence in yourself. I’m sensing fear. I’m sensing that you really do have a strong desire to change yourself but you don’t know how – what steps to take to make the change. Change takes courage.

        As mentioned previously, your wording is negative. If your thinking is negative, your results will be negative. Cause and effect. If you prefer positive results, then you are encouraged to develop positive thinking. Wording such as: I’m ruining my career (in what way?). …no desire to change (not true). I lack…Not at all happy…I cannot act…I can’t work…can’t stand on my feet…cannot control my own life…cannot take it into heart…cannot feel empathy…cannot even relax…cannot sleep…cannot bring those thoughts…

        Do you see the pattern? Every thought is ‘cannot’. If that is what you believe, then it is all true. But it’s not. I know you want to change.
        Every time you tell yourself you ‘cannot’, you are programming your subconscious into automatic negative results.
        You are doing this to yourself. You have the power to change your devastating word-habit. You are not impotent. You have Inner Power within you to guide you to a better life, because that is what you really desire. You’re obviously sick of your life choices. Only you can shift them.

        You are only responsible for yourself, your own actions. You are not anyone else, you are you. Therefore, you are not going to compare with anyone else.

        What do you want? If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would that be? By the way, personal goals are sometimes the most difficult to define. Sometimes we just don’t know. What are dreams you might have given up on? What is your heart urging you to do? Those heart urgings are often God-seeds planted within you.

        “If you could place an order, like from a menu, knowing it would be brought for you, what would you ask for? What do you want? What would you like to do on this earth in this human experience while you are still here to do it? What will you regret if you don’t do it while you’re alive in the physical? While you have the chance? It’s your time.” ~ Jesus (Divine Messages from Jesus book).

        At your age, you have a whole life ahead of you. Work on the answers to the question above. You might even consider merely writing down everything you like and enjoy – it doesn’t have to be grandiose. Sometimes we say ‘no’ to a dream because we think it is beyond us to achieve. Don’t worry about the how, or the when, or any of the details.

        If you don’t know what you want, how can you accomplish it?

        I’m very encouraged by you. I feel a lot of strength in you that you don’t even know you have. Once you get by all this negative thinking, and shift into a ‘can-do’ attitude, knowing you are supported by the Greatest Power in the Universe, your life will start going in the direction you prefer, with amazing results.

        You can do this! I am here to help. I care.


        Rimsha said:
        February 6, 2019 at 5:46 am

        I have came to analyze this about myself and I also have additional disorders I feel.I am not able to do anything and can see a very horrofying future. It will take my whole family down.Really need a solution.Is it possible to reach out to you in any way? Would be really helpful.


        truthlover5 responded:
        February 6, 2019 at 3:03 pm

        Yes, you may definitely reach out to me. I’d be honored. And by the way, congratulations! Do you realize what an important life-changing decision you are making right now?? This is the step that has to be taken before any progress can be made for a better life for you and your family and everyone around you. To actually realize you want to change. That is huge!

        You can do this, Rimsha I feel very strongly that your life is about to vastly improve. You’ve chosen a better way. The inner work you will be doing is challenging, but not too much for you. Your life is worth the effort! Get ready. 🙂

        What is your preference for working together? By the blog, or email?


      Viru said:
      February 12, 2018 at 6:20 am

      Hi Jes. I read your transformation page where you described your life story and I really relate my life with NS/Sociopath as I mentioned in previous comments and I described in long about my life who just manipulates and cheats everyone around in life. I really don’t even understand that when I genuinely spend money and help someone close to me I think that it is fake and I am helping because I will be using him then. means everything when I do to help intimate friends/family there is strong feeling inside that I am using them. There is complete false critical self-image within me that just can’t change himself. Can you please help me understand how really I shall change it for better. At age25 also, I dont know what is that I want of life. I can take my own responsibility because whenever I try to do business with people, Very easily I use words and act that makes them feel hurt and cheated. I do want to change myself. I read many self improvement books but they are just facts in my brain but I never realized and learned from those teachings and my life previous experiences. Can you please help me come out of this for whole rest of my life? I feel so comfortable in my current life style where I dont even feel anything to family and friends who are emotionally excited to meet and see me after so long. I cant keep any boundaries withing me and for others around me. I do really want to change for better permanently. every time being an adult when A girl who is with me for years from now, I still feel I dont want to take responsibilty of being in relation and marriage. I just manipulate everything around because I just can stand myself to get better job for living how can I take reponsibility of relation and marriage. I feel devastated beacuse I just cant do this.


        Rimsha said:
        February 12, 2019 at 8:51 am

        Yes it’s by email…Can you share me yours..I will communicate further over mail


    Unknown said:
    September 27, 2016 at 7:25 am

    I keep thinking I’ve “changed”, but it seems to only last until the next “crisis”. The underlying problem is still there.

    I think I have found empathy…maybe too much. I can’t maintain that boundary between me and other people, and I end up not only trying to evade my own discomforts and fears, but extend that onto other people, trying to avoid confrontation and pull them out of it as well at ALL costs (including my relationship with them), in situations where THEY have decided that an argument might be worth having, or something might be worth standing up for.

    My emotions are screwed up. A big part of the problem is that I just don’t FEEL. Example…I have wanted a specific item for weeks or months…someone close to me bought it for me for my birthday. I should have been elated…and I know that’s the response they were expecting, but when it happened…the feeling just didn’t come. I don’t know if I couldn’t ALLOW it, or whether I just didn’t HAVE it. The gifter, of course, was devastated, thinking that I didn’t appreciate it. I WANTED to feel that surge of joy and gratitude…I don’t know why I didn’t.

    I want to feel closer to my wife, but I am constantly scared of letting her down, of making the wrong move…I constantly back down when I should stand up for her because I just want to avoid the confrontations…stay numb, stay “cool”. I want to be happy spending time with my dogs…all I can think about is that they will probably die before me…and if they don’t, then I think about those tearjerker skits where the dog is just sitting and waiting for an owner that never comes home. I seem to be able to cry and worry just fine, strangely enough.

    Is there any merit to just “faking it”? Just deciding to be someone else for a while? Can you FORCE feelings and attitudes? I don’t want to be this person any more. I want to be someone else. Can I just choose to be someone else? Or is that going to blow up in my face like all of the other times I’ve tried to change, as soon as the next crisis hits? I’m doing great until the next crisis…then I’m right back in the “rabbit hole”. All of the things that should motivate me OUT of it…just dial the pressure up and send me running back TO it.

    It’s easy to “fix” NPD…when things are going well. When they go south, I don’t know who to be…and I default to the scared little kid persona who has no emotions and just wants to hide. Other people think it’s malicious, like I “hate” them. I don’t at ALL. But the end result is the same. I keep finding I don’t have a tool in the box to fix this one.

    Jess, was there a process where you completely re-framed who you were, how you thought of yourself, or even how you FELT? What is it that helped you recover your feelings and feel free to have them like a normal, non-narc person?


      truthlover5 responded:
      September 28, 2016 at 12:01 am

      I’ve forwarded your message to Jess.

      Here are my feelings on what you are experiencing.

      CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve made huge strides in changing your image of yourself from a negative into a positive direction. Below are my responses to your comments:

      I keep thinking I’ve “changed”, but it seems to only last until the next “crisis”. The underlying problem is still there.

      The inner Divine message I get for you is that ‘You are loved!’ but that you don’t realize it. Part of your struggle is that you are depending on yourself as if you are the only strength and the one who must find the answers from the chaos that sometimes occurs in your life. Remember, you are not in this alone. You are not separate from your Source. What is crucial is that you ask for Divine help for everything. Ask when the crisis hits. Ask when there isn’t a crisis, but especially when you are feeling impotent and feel you are losing the truth of who you are.

      I think I have found empathy…maybe too much. I can’t maintain that boundary between me and other people, and I end up not only trying to evade my own discomforts and fears, but extend that onto other people, trying to avoid confrontation and pull them out of it as well at ALL costs (including my relationship with them), in situations where THEY have decided that an argument might be worth having, or something might be worth standing up for.

      The ONLY one you can control is yourself. You are not responsible for others or their reactions. Be true to who you are. Live your truth. You’ll discover when you do that, and don’t allow yourself to get triggered, then you’ll sense the true power within you – your connection to the Great Power of the Universe that is more powerful than anything or anyone, the Great Mind that knows all the answers, the power that is always within you.

      My emotions are screwed up. A big part of the problem is that I just don’t FEEL. Example…I have wanted a specific item for weeks or months…someone close to me bought it for me for my birthday. I should have been elated…and I know that’s the response they were expecting, but when it happened…the feeling just didn’t come. I don’t know if I couldn’t ALLOW it, or whether I just didn’t HAVE it. The gifter, of course, was devastated, thinking that I didn’t appreciate it. I WANTED to feel that surge of joy and gratitude…I don’t know why I didn’t.

      What surprises people is that their happiness, joy and fulfillment doesn’t come from anything outside of them. Those feelings come from inside of you, and only that inside connection with your Inner Guide fulfills you. Depending on anything outside of you to bring you joy is always a disappointment. That doesn’t mean you don’t experience joy when you are enjoying life and all that life offers, but go inside to find true meaning and joy. What that does mean, though, is to react with love. That means with appreciation and respect. It means treating others as you wish to be treated. People want to be appreciated. When they go to the effort this person did for you, that care and effort alone is worth appreciating.

      I want to feel closer to my wife, but I am constantly scared of letting her down, of making the wrong move…I constantly back down when I should stand up for her because I just want to avoid the confrontations…stay numb, stay “cool”. I want to be happy spending time with my dogs…all I can think about is that they will probably die before me…and if they don’t, then I think about those tearjerker skits where the dog is just sitting and waiting for an owner that never comes home. I seem to be able to cry and worry just fine, strangely enough.

      You are allowing fear to control you. Fear is controlling your thoughts, words and actions. Fear-based decisions always result in disappointments and unwanted results. Be you. Be true to who you are.

      What does that mean? You are created from Love by Love. You are, in reality, love. To feel closer to your wife and your dogs and your friends and yourself, then be loving at all times. This is the truth you live – being love. Make all of your decisions from love, not fear. The miracle of that truth is that you receive love in return. What you send out is what you get back.

      Is there any merit to just “faking it”? Just deciding to be someone else for a while? Can you FORCE feelings and attitudes? I don’t want to be this person any more. I want to be someone else. Can I just choose to be someone else? Or is that going to blow up in my face like all of the other times I’ve tried to change, as soon as the next crisis hits? I’m doing great until the next crisis…then I’m right back in the “rabbit hole”. All of the things that should motivate me OUT of it…just dial the pressure up and send me running back TO it.

      You don’t have to fake it, not when you live your truth. Listen to the urging that is in your heart. In fact, drop from your head into your heart. Your head is where all the ‘what if’s’ and concerns and worries and doubts and fears convince you that you are unworthy. When you drop into your heart, you just know that everything will be all right. You won’t know the how, or the timing, or what it looks like, but you just ‘know’. Have faith. Trust.

      It’s easy to “fix” NPD…when things are going well. When they go south, I don’t know who to be…and I default to the scared little kid persona who has no emotions and just wants to hide. Other people think it’s malicious, like I “hate” them. I don’t at ALL. But the end result is the same. I keep finding I don’t have a tool in the box to fix this one.

      Again, you are feeling and living the ‘lie of separation’. You are not alone. In reality, you are continually connected to Divine Wisdom and Guidance. You are a partner with the Power of the Universe, the Pure Intelligence that knows what is best for you and a fulfilled life. The tool you need to fix this one is the Divine Power Tool. That is the only true solution. Ego tries to convince you that it is weak to ask for Divine help. That, too, is a lie. Smart business people know that they don’t know all of the answers and so they go to the experts who do have the answers. That is called wisdom. Go to the Expert that has all of the answers.

      That Divine Connection is available for you without fail, 24/7. The problem is that most people don’t know it exists. But, that is the way the System is set up. Continual Divine Connection is the way it is designed. You are to work with your Divine Partner to co-create the magnificence that is your life. Use it!

      Jess, was there a process where you completely re-framed who you were, how you thought of yourself, or even how you FELT? What is it that helped you recover your feelings and feel free to have them like a normal, non-narc person?

      I’ve forwarded your message to Jess. But, let me share some of his secrets he shared with me and this blog. That is – setting goals.

      Following are some Divine Messages I’m guided to offer you. They might be of some help:

      “Turning wants into realities is more than wishful thinking. It is an unwavering mental picture of your desire with expectation for the results in form. BELIEVE IT. KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN. WITHOUT DOUBT.”

      “Visualizations and Faith are where miracles happen. Believing, trusting, knowing without doubt it will happen. ‘Knowing’ it will happen. Move from your head to your heart where you ‘know’ the Truth. Knowing is from within the heart, not the head. The secret to success is when all of your energy is focused into what you want, (not scattered like foam atop an ocean wave that blows where the wind takes it and not necessarily where you want it to go), but focused like the energy in a storm wave – strong, powerful, moving in one direction – to your goal.”

      “The ultimate is to surrender all to your Higher Inner Power when you realize you completely trust Divine Wisdom that knows what is best for you. When you release everything that is false about you (limitation, separation and smallness) and trust in the Truth of your oneness with Source, you become more aware of your power, more free in opening and allowing Divine Wisdom to lead you. Listen to your heart, your intuition. That strong urge or life-passion placed within your heart is a strong message of your best direction.”

      REMEMBER: You do not have to know the HOW, only the WHAT. The Divine takes care of the how. In fact, the Divine is with you through everything – the entire process – as a co-creator of which goals are best for you, your belief in and trust that the goals are already yours, along with the Divine Implementer carrying out the how to a successful result – thought into form, cause into effect.

      Know that I am here for you, too. You’ve made amazing progress. You’re getting there. Don’t give up. Have faith. Trust.



    Unknown said:
    September 30, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    You say I’ve made progress…but I don’t see it. I think I’ve made progress, but whenever a critical situation comes up, my feelings are the only ones that matter.

    I don’t maliciously try to hurt people…but I’ll distort the truth to get my feelings heard, I’ll freeze up and melt down to try to get sympathy, I’ll turn tail and run, I’ll absolutely flip out in anger when people are trying to help me move past it. The feelings come up like I DON’T WANT to be saved. And I do…that’s the thing…I say I do. Could do, should do, don’t do as Jim Rohn says.

    The only person who still cares about me has reached her breaking point…I think I may have turned her slightly narcissistic just from dealing with me. She has constantly tried to drag me out of that position of fear and impotence…I say “I can’t deal”, and she tries to get me to deal, and I kick and scream and lash out at her, trying to maintain my state of fear and weakness…that’s when I start to do evil things. I distort facts, my memory blanks out, all that matters is her FEELING how UPSET I am, and she knows it’s an overreaction, but I just need so badly to be acknowledged I will destroy everyone around me to get that acknowledgement.

    ANd I’ve felt all along like I’m alone in that relationship, and she’s given me EVERYTHING she had to give and *I* decided I wasn’t worthy of it and threw it aside, hoping that she would pick it back up and give it to me again. HOW DOES SOMEONE LIVE LIKE THIS??

    I am starting to become convinced that I’m an evil person, or that I have somehow gotten so disconnected with my soul that it may be LOST. I don’t know how that happens…maybe it was so far back in childhood where my mother didn’t hug me enough or was narc’d herself and couldn’t make it about me instead of her…how does anyone recover from that after 37 years? Wounds that I don’t even have the LANGUAGE to understand, let alone address??

    Everything you say talks about the “higher power” within…I just don’t feel it there. I know you say it’s there, I’ve seen flashes of it…it certainly knows how to make me FEEL better, but I still do some wicked things. And now I have nothing…I’ve pushed away everyone who has EVER cared…relentlessly lashing out at them for their insistence that I have worth and that I’m capable. What do you do with someone who is desperate to FAIL? Why am I like that??

    I feel like this world would be better without me. Everyone gave it their best to get me going, but I’m just one of those seeds that didn’t grow. I feel like I could make the world a better place if I took myself out of it. Not “end myself”…but commit myself to an asylum somewhere, or commit some petty crime and cuss out the judge and get thrown in jail, or maybe just travel overseas and never come back…leave everything behind and join the Peace Corps, or the Army. Who knows??

    All talk…I’ll probably just sit and cry and wallow in self-pity. I don’t know why I can’t do the right thing, ever…why everyone else has to carry me kicking and screaming until they’re tired of carrying me. I used to “play” with people like some of the other Soc/Narcs you’ve dealt with. I don’t want to do that any more…I just want to shut myself in a room somewhere and rot…but everyone STILL wants me out here, if only to make it easier for them to get away from me.

    And then a second later…SQUIRREL!! I’m distracted again, completely oblivious to my problems. I have to “check out” of my mind to even be able to operate…sitting with these feelings of failure and wickedness just makes me incapable of doing anything else. And people say, “look…you don’t even care!” I SHOULD be inconsolable for what I’ve done/who I’ve been, I SHOULD want to hurt myself. But I don’t.

    I really feel like in this world where God has been chased out of society by the State, this world is just raising soulless people…and whether or not I want it, I’m one of them.

    I know when I say that, it’s BS. But I don’t FEEL that it’s BS. It feels pretty spot-on.


      truthlover5 responded:
      September 30, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      I will get back to you on this. I will be away from the Internet for several days. Do not give up. In the meantime, get to a quiet place and, in prayer, ask for help. Just say “Help me!” and mean it. From the heart. Let go of trying to control the outcome and open to Divine Guidance to take over. Surrender. That means releasing all that you are not for the truth of who you are – One with and within the One. Allow the Divine to lead you in in whatever comes next. Be open to thoughts, intuitions, answers that come to you. They usually come quickly and you’ll have a tendency to ignore them thinking they are your own mind or you will doubt you received anything.

      If the thoughts are uplifting, helpful, expanding, encouraging, inspiring to to go beyond your comfort zone, then pay attention. Your ego thoughts will make you question yourself, putting you down. Divine guidance is always from love and never from fear. It is always positive and never negative. It will never ask you to harm anyone else or yourself.

      Do this over the weekend, more than once. Let me know how it goes. I’ll get back to you early next week when I’m back with Internet. God bless you.


      truthlover5 responded:
      November 10, 2016 at 5:08 pm

      FEAR. What I’m reading all through your comments is FEAR. Fear is controlling your life. Fear is your Satan.
      This condensed quote about fear is copied from a life-transforming book, Divine Messages from Jesus, by Carolyne Cathey. This is the link to the website: http://www.carolynecathey.com.

      “Fear, is your Satan.

      “Note how Satan and fear are the same. Satan (Fear) is negative control, a hindrance for reaching your goals, tempting you to go against your heart and all that you are, making you feel alone, separate, powerless. In fact, fear has controlled much of your life.

      Think back through your life:

      * How many important life-changing decisions have you made out of fear?

      * How many times have you allowed fear to control or overwhelm you?

      * How many times did thinking you weren’t good enough or smart enough or brave enough hold you back and affect your life-path choices?

      * How many times have you opted for the safe decision, not the one where your heart longed to go?

      Jesus said, “Fear controls every one of those decisions—-your Satan—-not a being, but an attitude.”

      Unknown, you talk about committing yourself. I challenge you to the ultimate commitment, one that will change your life for the better.

      Commit yourself to the Divine. If you’ve had glimpses of it, then you know it exits. Fear snatches those glimpses away.

      This is how you commit: You go inward and ask for help. Just say, “help me!” and mean it with passion. Pour out all of your fears, and emotions, and doubts and more fears. You’ll be amazed and how things in your life and your thinking start shifting.

      Think about it–you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I can feel how sick and tired you are of what you are experiencing. There is one way to change it, and that is to turn it all over to God. Visually see yourself placing it all in Divine hands.

      Let me know how you are doing. Jess and I kept up a running dialogue when he was working out from under a personality disorder experts told him he could never change. He proved them wrong. All things are possible with God.

      Aren’t you tired of your life? Then do something positive about it. Ask God to become your co-partner, your team-mate, in the ressurrection of the life you are meant to have but are too afraid to claim. Claim it now.

      Keep in touch with me. I’m back in circulation with steady internet again and am here for you.

      God bless you.


        Viru said:
        March 28, 2018 at 10:47 pm

        HI truth. WIth respect to my life situations same as that of Jess, unlike him I am fell back easily in narcess/spc. lifetyle. I changed for better in life temporarily then it was very easy for me to fall back. I know now I still living emotionless. life. the reaon it happen sbecause, when I was in nar/ soc life 2 years ago, I had strong emotional impact to chang emyslef in my heart for a better and successful life, but when I changed myself for better, when I succeded once, then unline normal people who looks for responsibilities and opportunities, I silently say to myself, I dont want to achieve anything, I dont want to take responsibilities . If in my heart, if I really do not want anything(or may be I suppressed the feelings of what I wanted in life), how can I really live life of responsibilities, and really live a normal, healthy life? If in my life, I seriously do not want realistic life of achievements? Any person at one time or other at age25, changes himself understanding his responsibilities and taking care of life and family, I dont feel anything like that inside. I feel simply nothing inside. No good, no bad, Even dropped out of university being an international student, feels no emotional change in hesrt. HOw can I pray to god—divine god if that seems false inside?
        I know no person in this world can change me but myself still I try to seek and talk with everyone about what I feel in life. If I just simply cannot take responsibiltiies of myself howw can I empathise with others near and dear onnes? I am completely blank with emotions. WHat I dont understand is why I secretly speak myself that I dont want to achieve anything? If that is what is say to myself how can I suceed and how people can respect me?? every human beings deep inside tries to educate themselves and enjoys life but even though how many opportunities get for education, i simply do not wnat to succeed in life.


    Kristi Putnam said:
    January 10, 2017 at 11:15 am

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years that the man is a narcissistic sociopath & so many times know that I should’ve left & currently am seperated from my family & have grown estranged from my daughter & friends of years due to not leaving. He has cheated many times,once I am convinced was with my own sister. He’s had the women call & text me to defend him,put their pictures on Facebook,hes shown personal pics of me to my friends & even ppl idk,hes beaten me,choked me,spat in my face,recently choked me for 5.5 hours til I couldn’t swallow or speak & blacked both of my eyes,busted my lip & eardrum. He has told me if I leave he will kill me & slit my throat ear to ear. He finally asked his psycho Dr for meds to control his anger & is on lithium. He cannot control himself in any way. The last Dr diagnosed him with intermittent violence disorder an impulse control disorder. He has raped me,sexually assaulted me,belittled me,threatens me with other women Inc my own mother,friends & family,threatens to leave but never does,threatens me with $,destroying my property,threatens to kill me. He wants sex every day yet has a very hard time getting erect or completing unless he touches himself & it disgusts me! He looks in the mirror 75% of the time he’s @ the gym yet complains of his weight gain & does nothing about it. He wants to go to gym by himself I think bc he wants to flirt get attn from others. When @ gym with me he watches me all the time from all over the room & says ppl are staring @ me & that ppl ask if he’s on steroids(bc he has always depended on their use until now) but I don’t believe it bc he’s about 40 lbs overweight & it’s very obvious. His mother told me & he admitted molestingvhis sister with threats & force when he was 12 & she was 9. They didn’t speak for many years until we met. Then he made comments about how pretty she was,sickening after what he did I say. I’m afraid to stay whether he’s medicated or not bc its gotten worse each time & I’m afraid he will kill me or injure me worse the next time. I have hip pain from being thrown by him against walls,onto pavement. I have hearing loss that could be permanent,i have scars everywhere & I think my vocal chords & throat are permanently damaged from the choking. I found out about his sister,my sister,several orders of protection,restraining orders,that he had been married 5xs @ 36,has one deceased child which I believe is bc he assaulted that wife during pregnancy & 1 adopted child also from that first marriage. He displays random moments of mourning over the deceased child that appear to me more as guilt. I think that & the molesting his sister are what toents him inside & has made h the way that he is but when I bring it up to try to help him he gets angry & violent. He won’t let me think for myself or speak about anything I’m interested in or that I like or that I believe in. I honestly think instead of love he actually hates me bc he is jealous of me in every way. Especially in body type,friendships,past relationships,intelligence,confidence & artistically. It’s some kind of obsession. I’m afraid of him & want out but I am scared. Whsn I’ve tried to push him off I got taken to jail over a few scratches though I called them bc he was lunching me & he was in my house. I feel like he will destroy everything in my home,steal it or will try to kill me if I leave. I don’t think a narcissistic sociopath can change wothout serious honesty based counseling & meds. There is something that makes them shut their emotions completely off & it’s not normal. He’s even said I can shut my feelings off likes faucet.


      truthlover5 responded:
      January 10, 2017 at 6:28 pm

      Kristi, did any realizations come to you as you wrote this post? Any bigger picture of what you are allowing to happen to you? There is a strong inner urge within me to tell you that the Divine that loves you without doubt wants you to open your connecting channel of dialogue with the Power of the Universe to partner with you in what is best for you. If you believe that Jesus is there to help you, then ask Jesus to help you. Then listen, feel what is in your heart. Your power lies within you. That Inner Power will guide you to others through whom God works.
      You don’t mention a child of your own which makes this somewhat easier, although I’m sure you are terrified.

      I cannot and will not tell you what to do. Only you can decide that. I will suggest possibilities, but it is up to you to commit to making the change.

      Do you know of any church where you can talk to the spiritual leader? There are abuse centers where you live. I don’t know your town, but there will be an organization that specializes in helping women who are experiencing exactly what you are going through. The police, a church, will know where that is.

      Yes, you are filled with fear. But try to look past that fear. Unless you change, What do you see in your future? More of the same, or worse? What would you like to see in your future? Freedom? A life of love, not pain? The ONLY one who can change that is YOU. Your choices affect and direct your life. Take back your life and your power and choose well. Choose what is right for you. That is all that matters here. He will not change, not unless he chooses to do so, and it sounds like he is in too deep to consider changing at this point. If you stay with him, you are encouraging his behavior because you allow him to get by with it.

      I understand your family. They cannot fathom why you are allowing this man to abuse you. You are allowing it. You realize that, don’t you? That means you are part of the problem. You are responsible for your life, along with Divine guidance. That doesn’t mean fight back physically. It means seeking help from God, and following guidance to others to develop a plan of escape. Once you do, DO NOT EVER HAVE CONTACT AGAIN.

      God loves you, without condition. Your only fault in this is not seeking a way out to a better life. You have to be smart about it and have a plan of action in place, one Divinely guided. But there is a way. With God all things are possible. All.

      Also, realize that if you do nothing, that you are also allowing him to molest and abuse others. I know this seems an unfair statement. But you are to LOVE YOURSELF! You are not doing that. I repeat, you must work out a plan where you can walk away and never, never, never have contact with this man.

      You are of God. You are created from God’s magnificence. Which means you are magnificent. Choose magnificence for you. This is up to you. It is your time, Kristi. Your time to take back your life. Do it now. I know you feel it inside you. The cry for help. Wanting out. Desiring a better life.

      Turn this all over to Jesus, God, your angels, and spiritual mentors (all from One Source). That is where your answers and power lies. Ask for help NOW. But be smart.

      You can do this, Kristi. Believe in your Inner Power. You can do this. But be smart about it.

      Let me know how you are doing.

      Love you and God bless.



    MidnightStill said:
    May 17, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    Honestly, I am a narcissistic sociopath. I’ve come to this realization after the first year of a long term relationship (we are still together). There are some high points, when I think I’m making progress, but then I lose control. I have a habit of acting out of anger, and the smallest of disagreements trigger me. The other day, I shouted at my fiance for disagreeing with me about something, accused him of making me feel stupid because I didn’t know how to articulate myself and provide a good response, and threw something at the floor beside him. I had no intention of hurting him physically, although in the past I used to hurt him. He went outside, and after a few minutes I followed and went to the car. He tried to comfort me, but I left. It took me twenty minutes to think it over, and understand that I was wrong.

    See, anger is what controls me. It blinds me. It surfaces whenever someone challenges my sense of authority or control. It’s partly why I had a lot of issues at work with my supervisors. I don’t like to feel a loss of control or vulnerability. When I experience this, I feel anger, and that causes me to act in ways I’m not proud of. What’s interesting is that the worst I am is toward my fiance. I can behave more passive aggressively with others, but I am mostly verbally aggressive with my fiance.

    I have depression or bipolar, not sure which at the moment. Either way, I hate myself. For the longest time, I hated other people and suicide seemed to be the way to escape that. Now I realize that I am to blame for my feelings, and I feel hatred toward myself. I still manipulate my fiance. I am more aware of it now than I was initially. I still lie to him at times, I still find ways to get what I want. I don’t feel bad about getting what I want or doing what it takes to get what I want. I just feel guilty about hurting someone that I love. He’s the closest I’ve ever been to loving someone other than myself. I allow myself to be vulnerable with him. I’ve even discussed this topic with him, and I have made small and gradual improvements. What is interesting is that I am going to college to become a clinical psychologist.

    When I was younger, I lost a lot of friends because of my narcissistic behavior. Now, I can maintain relationships and respect boundaries. I only struggle with my closest relationship, overcoming my selfish tendencies.

    I guess I’m just posting to ask for any advice you might have for me. I want to overcome this constant struggle for control over my life, overcome the fear of being alone and weak. I want to be capable of loving someone selflessly. It’s a shame that this desire is so easily overridden by my true nature.


      truthlover5 responded:
      May 29, 2017 at 4:35 pm

      Anger is from fear. When you lash out it is because you are afraid of something, perhaps of even losing control over the situation.

      *****The fact that you are questioning and want a better way is huge, and is the most important step. You’ve already taken that first step. Good for you.

      What do you really want for yourself? Because if you want it, then it is possible to have it. What is vital is that you choose what is healing and joyous for you. There is a quote…

      “If you are depressed you are living in the past.
      If you are anxious you are living in the future.
      If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ― Lao Tzu

      What this means is to start living in the present, right now. Be the best you can be, right now. Of course, to be the best you can be, you are wise to align with your Inner Power of the Universe to be that best you choose for you and your life. Without that Inner Guidance we stumble around in the dark just wishing and guessing and hoping. Quit stumbling and guessing and go to where the answers are.

      One of the most challenging exercises is to decide what you want. This is not easy. But get started by dropping from your head into your heart. Your heart holds the seed of passion for your destiny. What does your heart long for you to do? Trust in that desire planted there by God. Once you gain the courage to follow your heart, then believe you will receive it with God’s help and partnership. Dig deep and explore the mystery of you and your magnificence.

      I am here for you. Stay with me on this and don’t give up. I’m proud of you for your honesty and inner seeking. Goodness is there for you.

      Suggested Reading


    Lemmb said:
    May 25, 2017 at 9:13 am

    Can a relationship with a sociopath make you question whether you are one yourself? I have taken in line quiz for both me and them. Their quiz came back positive. When I answered my quiz , I was honest about my feelings now and mine said I was one as well. I have deep regret and remorse for reacting with anger and hurtful words when my partner did things that hurt my feelings deeply. I know that I suffer from depression and lack of concentration and I have been working on myself with natural remedies (vitamins, minerals , essential oils , yoga , etc). Those things seem to be helping me to a degree, but now I’m really afraid that I am this messed up. I can’t tell if it’s from the gas lighting from my , well, soon to be ex partner. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. I know that our relationship was pretty toxic from the start. But I feel that I was always a caring loving honest person from the start. I had always been a pretty non jealous person but they started showing excessive jealousy from the on set. I deleted all of my friends of the opposite sex from my phone etc., got completely off of social media, etc. All at their demand. I did this early on to try and assure them that I was loyal and trustworthy. I even gave them the password to monitor my phone calls. Again to prove my love, at their request. They never really stopped communicating with ex partners and even new people. When I started voicing my feelings about this double standard, I was told I was insecure and jealous. I started feeling resentment but stopped voicing my feelings for fear of being told those things . I honered their request because I figured they had been (and was told ) that they had been cheated on many times before , and I just wanted to reassure them. This goes on and on. I tried several times to leave because I could see that I was turning into a person I didn’t want to become and I could see that I had much resentment and was lashing out with hurtful words to them. We always worked things out but their behavior never really stopped. We then had a child together. I moved 1,200 miles away to their home state because they “needed a support network” for the baby. Things just continued to go downhill . We have been separated for a year now. And we agreed to try and work things out . They continued to have interaction with others of the opposite sex. I never have. I just started working really hard to get more financially secure for us to all 3 move away together and start our lives over. I have really been working on myself but they continue to have relationships with others. I cant say for certain that sex was involved. Anyway I finally realized they had no intention of getting back together and I cut off finances to them. NOT our child though. I love this kid with all my heart. Anyway I have been reacting to this with anger and harsh words. We are through now but I’m told that is the reason. They I haven’t fixed myself and my words show so much disrespect that I’m not even ok to be around my son . Anyway I’ve been searching A Lot about social disorders, to try and find some answers. I feel I have found that she is a sociopath. But I’m not a DR. She calls me a narrcisstic and they I have been the problem all along , so now I’m thinking maybe it has been me. I just needed to vent my frustrations somewhere . Thanks for this place to do it. I’m currently looking for a professional to speak to. I have never wanted to take any medication for anything but my depression is worse now and I just want to feel better. Please pray for me if that’s your thing . If not , please have positive thoughts for me. I wish you all a wonderful day and the rest of your life.


      truthlover5 responded:
      May 29, 2017 at 4:01 pm

      Don’t worry about labels. Focus on what is right for you. Be careful that you aren’t turning over your freedom of choice to another. Allowing them to choose for you is still a choice you make, just not the right one for your happiness. Know, too, that you are responsible for your own being – your own life.

      You have a power within you that is eager to guide you on what is right for you. That Divine Power is only a thought away, a whisper of “Help me!”.

      The challenge you and all of us face is that feeling of separation and aloneness. That feeling is a lie. You are never alone. The Divine Love loves you without fail, without judgment, and with compassion. Lean into that love and depend on your Divine Co-Partner for the answers to all of your questions and situations. There is no stronger and wiser power than what you already have within you. Turn everything over to your Divine teammate. Together, work out a strategy for what is right for you and your life. What is most healing is that every thought, word and action be from a basis of love – most importantly, love for yourself. Love doesn’t mean condoning what everyone else does. Love, including self love, means saying ‘no’ to unhealthy behavior. It means, if necessary, walking away.

      The child makes that even more challenging. Find out from your Divine Source what is right for that child who has a right to grow up surrounded by love. Growing up with hatred teaches hatred. What is the most loving situation for that child?

      You have work to do – going within to the Power of the Universe, the Unlimited Supplier that supplies all of your needs, not a human, that Pure Intelligence that has only the correct answers. You are welcome to stay in touch with me. I am here for you. I care. If you are determined, with God’s help you will succeed.


        Lemmb said:
        May 30, 2017 at 6:13 am

        Thank you for your response. This site is truly an inspiration to me now and I have true hope that I can change with the help of my higher power. Jess’s story has helped so much . I am just starting this journey and I admit, I’m a bit afraid. I will try with all of my night to make everything I do, say and think, Love based I instead of fear based. God bless


      Els said:
      August 7, 2017 at 1:30 pm

      Hello I am currently in a relatshionship with someone who has narcissistic/sociapathic traits as well. The relationship is still prill as it has been only 3 months but I recently found out he has been cheating on me when we were only 3 weeks toghether. He even had another relationship with the girl but he sais it was only for the sex. Now he tries to convince that I was the purest connection he ever had with someone and he wants to change and he now sees what he had been doing to me (gasslighting,etc) but I don’t know if I should believe him or give him another chance. Is it worth it? Because O hve the feeling this will be at cost of my own wellbeing as I have and somethimes still struggling with depression. He claims it won’t be at my cost and I want to believe in miracles and changes and the good in people but I don’t want to become like him. I want to help him but I don’t want to get dragged in only to become the thing that I am supposed to help him with…


        truthlover5 responded:
        September 8, 2017 at 3:07 pm

        If he cheated you after only three weeks, then he is only considering himself and not how his behavior affects any one else, or maybe he does. That might be part of how he controls and hurts people.

        Please ask yourself – do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who you cannot trust and lies so easily? You deserve the best. You deserve a soulmate with whom you can share the rest of your life. There is the perfect person out there for you. Go within to your Divine Guide and ask to be led to your perfect partner, then be open to what comes your way. Ask for clarity. However, that will not happen if your life and time is filled up with the wrong person.

        What has happened with him in the four weeks since you posted?


    truthlover5 responded:
    June 20, 2017 at 5:26 pm

    Please let me know how you are doing.


    truthlover5 responded:
    February 9, 2018 at 7:28 pm

    Congratulations for making the change! WHAT YOU DID IS EXTREMELY RARE, BUT YOU DID IT! You can do it again! If you want to, from the deepest part of your heart, and with Divine guidance, you can start again. You’ve proven you can do it. Like a dieter, we sometimes fall back from our goal, but every breath is a new beginning. Every moment is like a new birth. I sense that this next time you will make the turn, and the change will be long-lasting, maybe forever in your physical life. You’ve seen the comparison of your life with and without the NS, and with again. You’ve experienced for yourself how improved your life is when you change. Choose to release your NS. I am here for you, and so is the Greatest Power in the Universe that dwells inside you. Connect with your inner power, inner intelligence and wisdom. Choose love. Choose life.

    Let me know how I can support you. Remember, all things are possible with God.



    Mr. Shame said:
    July 25, 2018 at 1:52 pm

    I am in a spiral of self-destruction and 48 hours removed from what is the ultimate undoing that has lead the past 6 months of my research and attempts to self-heal to commence in this moment, the moment I realize I need some real help and need to cut this out. I’m going to give you some background and then I want to tell you about my last couple years:

    I had a very good home life growing up. My parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary and I have one brother, 10 years younger than me, who I love UNCONDITIONALLY and would have no problem doing anything, regardless of my own personal gain, to help him, something I have something close to with the rest of my blood family and my 2 best (and really only true) friends. I excelled in school (at least up until college), struggled for 8 years to get my BS, and have loved working with kids since my little brother was born. I consider myself intelligent and spend much of my time working in multiple volunteer positions. I think back to my days in grade school and I was a very nice and very naive young boy. I truly believe I developed the abhorrent personality traits that I have somewhere in my first couple years of college, getting to that later. That being said, my self-diagnosis of NS brings a big question mark every time I think about it. I think about how it can be if my childhood actions really shows no symptoms.

    I did not have a very good social experience at school. I spent my K-8 years in a small town. I found myself getting picked on and being taken advantage of for my small stature and for being a very nice, naive child. Specific examples include:

    – In 1st grade, I got picked on by a kid twice my size who constantly tormented me and we got in a scuffle before school admin intervened.

    – In 3rd grade, I liked a girl and asked her to play with me at recess (who doesn’t love 3rd grade love). Her response was to tell me that she would never play with me and at the end of the recess period, on what I believe was a dare, she kicked me square in the junk and told me to never talk to her again.

    – In 7th grade, I was hanging out with some kids I played baseball with and one of their older brother’s friends pulled a knife on me and held it up to my throat hostage-style, then told me to get lost or he’d f*** me up.

    Halfway through 8th grade, my parents told me we were moving. They moved me from a low-income small town with 10,000 people to a very affluent suburb of about 60,000. I did not get along with most of the people I went to high school with. Most of them were pompous jerks who knew their parents had money and felt it meant they could do whatever they wanted (affluenza) and I related to very few of them.

    Even through all the bullying, I still found myself to be a pretty good kid. I snuck out a few times in high school (who didn’t) and otherwise kept myself focused on sports, school, and friends/family.

    I feel like my first sexual experience with a partner may have played a part in this, possibly tying a sexual addiction into this mess (as I find infidelity is the big problem my personality causes). When I was a senior in high school, I began dating a junior from a nearby school. She and I went out a few times and she invited me to her theater rehearsal. Afterwards, she took me into the back and performed oral sex. I remember that time, it felt amazing. I had messed around with other girls before, but this is the first time any female had touched me like that and gotten me to climax. After that, we spent about 3 months with basically every time we’d meet up, I’d have her perform oral sex (usually within 30 minutes of seeing each other) with no regard for the situation (mall family bathroom, her parents home, etc) and would be gone within an hour. My entire attraction becoming entirely sexual and it ruined our relationship. While I did not continue that pattern in the immediate following relationships, I believe it played a part in the further development of my evil self.

    The next big point was my first year of college. From a mostly sheltered youth having only attended 2 or 3 high school parties to being able to just cut loose and have fun in a dorm room without a roommate and on a full academic scholarship to a very good university. I had a handful of one-nighters throughout the year, drank 6-7 days a week, barely passed my classes first semester and completely went piss-off on the second semester. While this was a big point, I actually turned around, went back to a Junior College, and held a 3.7 GPA for the next two years, unfortunately, those were the years that lead to what I believe was the big turning point.

    When I was 19, I met a girl while we were waiting in line at Starbucks. Like most sociopaths, I’m a very slick talker (which leads me to believe this may be part biological, we’ll get into family in a minute) and we hit it off quickly. The first night we went out, it was great. No sex, no kissing, just talking. We went 9 months before we had sex and I was madly, crazily, and absolutely in love with this girl. The month after we had sex for the first time (1 time, with a condom) she calls me to tell me she thinks she’s pregnant. After a few weeks, she comes clean that she cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend (who I knew of) and it was his. We broke up and a few weeks later, she texted me. We began talking again and I remembered how much I loved her. I proposed a month later to reassure her that I was committed to our new life and wanted to put the past in the past and move forward with this boy as our own. About two months before she was due, she decided to move back to her hometown, about 500 miles away from where we lived and I had just gotten accepted back to a 4-year university riding the academic high of my two years back at JC. She moved in with her best friend and best friend’s fiance and I would go see her every month. The boy was born, we spent as much time together as possible. She came and stayed with me for a couple months. Not long before his first birthday, I found out she was sleeping with a guy in her hometown. I also found out she had slept with at least 3 other guys during our time together and the boy’s father was actually one of two guys, one of which she was engaged to up until she got pregnant (so for the first almost year of our relationship).

    That’s probably the last time I remember caring about somebody else. I believe I have this split in life. My time leading up to that relationship, where I could truly love and feel compassion, and my time after, where every relationship, no matter what kind, has been a means to an end, all the while still searching for normalcy and then beginning my self-destructive NS path once I’ve found it. I seek situations with the intent of good and then destroy them with evil. Now that you’ve spent an hour reading about my sad, pathetic life, let’s tell you where I’m at right now.

    I met a girl the day before Thanksgiving 2016 online. She lived about 4 hours away (where I went to high school and college and where my family lives), and I actually really liked her. She’s 7 years older than me and a great person. She had always wanted to live where I did and still do (on the coast) and we had similar visions for our lives. I spent a few months keeping myself focused, being good, not straying from her. In April 2017, we talked about her moving in with me. At the same time, the distance and lack of intimacy was wearing on me and I slept with 2 other woman that month. A week after she moved in, June 2017, she found a text message from 1 of them. I told her what had happened and told her I did it because I was scared, thinking she’d take that better than me just wanting to have sex. She stayed with me, I think mostly because it would very difficult for her to change living situations right after moving 4 hours away to a town where she didn’t know anybody, but that’s neither here nor there. I actually felt bad. I legitimately was sorry that I had hurt her. Seeing the pain she was in and the pain I caused, pain I had never actually seen before by my hand, seeing as I had never before let a relationship last long enough or become serious enough that I couldn’t just have my way. It put things into perspective, that my behaviour was wrong and needed to end. And I did a very good job of restricting myself to watching porn if I ever felt the desire to stray, and that was doing it for a while, but at the same time, we moved in together after having only known each other for 6 months and dating long distance, so our home life wasn’t peachy by any means. We fought a lot, and most fights ended with her bringing up past transgressions, which only pushed me further. Around March of 2018, I found myself downloading the ever popular Tinder app, something I wasn’t unfamiliar with. I scrolled through a bunch of pictures, making sure only to like women who were far enough away that I couldn’t be caught. After about 20 minutes, I matched with someone and they messaged me. We exchanged pleasantries and then came the “what are you looking for?” from her. Now is my choice, how do I get this women to sleep with me. Do I tell her I’m being unfaithful to play to some people’s natural carnal desire to do dangerous things or do I tell her I just want a discreet experience because the stigma surrounding casual sex is harmful to public perception. Then I sent a message like this “honestly, i have a girlfriend and was looking around, but I’m not looking to meet up”. She told me I was a pig and she’d tell my girlfriend if she knew her. I watched some porn and deleted the app and the profile. I stopped for a while, but a few weeks ago, our relationship came to a big head and it was just about over. The fighting had gotten bad and I downloaded it again, yet again, this time after about 10 minutes and no messages, I realized I was being stupid and couldn’t do this to her. So I deleted the app, the profile and watched porn. A couple days later we had a huge heart-to-heart, where I basically told her it wasn’t fair for her to hold my previous transgressions over my head and that we needed to get better at talking, which, for the last couple weeks, has been going great. Then this past weekend I was out of town and this idiot, amidst everything that was working so great, downloaded the app again. This mimicked my first encounter, about 20 minutes, one match, a confession, and a porno. However, when I got home the next day, my girlfriend went through my phone and saw something (I honestly have no idea what, as I deleted my profile and the app) that showed her I had been on Tinder. Not having anything to back up my story as all was deleted, she now thinks (fairly) that I’m cheating on her again and is in the process of finding somewhere else to live.

    My uncle has been in and out of jail for fraud, extortion, etc. and bounced between women, stealing or borrowing money from one to pay off the last. He has pretty much every sign of a sociopath. He comes around when he needs something, disappears when he doesn’t. I have no problem working the customer service industry and lying to customers about why things happen. I’ll tell someone we got a wrong part in for their car when, in fact, the part never got ordered. I always have a way to lay the blame elsewhere, when needed, but have come in the last 6 months or so to learn to take charge for myself all the time, not just when it’s convenient, although I’m nowhere near perfect at it.

    There are three things here that I have to ask:

    1) Is there anything I can do to save this relationship because I genuinely have not cared about someone like her since my prior engagement?

    2) Regardless of if it’s for this relationship or my future, how do I stop this behaviour? I obviously can’t contorl it myself. It’s almost a subconscious thing when it happens and it’s like I know it’s wrong while I’m sitting there swiping, but I still do it, even if I come back from it a few minutes later.

    3) At what point does this become a sexual thing and at what point an NS thing?


      truthlover5 responded:
      July 25, 2018 at 5:55 pm

      I’ll answer more later, but I want you to know that you are not a sociopath. You had a more normal childhood and college experience than you realize. What I do sense is that you don’t respect yourself, so therefore, you don’t really respect anyone else. You express what is inside you. If you don’t like what is inside you that is being revealed in your outward actions, then because of free will, you have the freedom to change your behavior and your life.

      These are the three and very important questions I ask you before I can respond to yours:
      1) What do you want for yourself?
      2) What do you want for your life?
      3) What kind of person would you like to be?

      Deciding what we want is often one of the most difficult tasks we ask of ourselves. Once you answer the questions, then we’ll go further.

      But I’ll share this: Your ‘job’ right now is to figure out how to love yourself, unconditionally. Let’s start with your answers to the three questions. Everything I’m hearing from you is lack of self-love and respect. This must be addressed first.

      Let me know. If you want to contact me personally by email, tell me and I’ll set it up.


    Rimsha said:
    February 12, 2019 at 10:05 am

    Yes it’s by email…Can you share me yours..I will communicate further over mail.


      truthlover5 responded:
      February 12, 2019 at 11:08 am

      I emailed you. If you don’t receive it, please let me know.


    Unknown said:
    February 22, 2019 at 11:29 am

    Do other narcissists harbor deep resentment toward other people? Is that the “core” of it?

    I’ve been working things out with my wife on the surface, but underneath the resentment has just been building…we lash out at each other with anger regularly, and yesterday I did something that hurt her feelings and her trust more than anything else I’ve done…I feel like a strong marriage would be able to get past it, but I don’t have that.

    I got to thinking…as I often do…and I discovered that I carry a LOT of resentment around, a lot of contempt, and anger, and bitterness about the past. I thought SHE did…I’m probably worse. And she wears it on her sleeve…I push it WAY down, I’m afraid to let it out…and it comes out in other passive-aggressive ways…for example, something as simple as not listening, or refusing intimacy, or taking jabs at her self-esteem…

    I realized on some level I have to forgive her for all of the things I blame her for…and at the same time, a LOT of it is the result of this tit-for-tat…I blame her for something, but she did it in response to something I did…which I did in response to something SHE did…which she did in response…well, you get it. And she won’t accept any of the blame for it…and I sometimes wonder if she deserves any…or if it really even matters. I just don’t know how to let go of it all. I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me. In many ways I’m probably unreasonable for being hurt. But that doesn’t make me feel better about it.

    I feel sick…like, heaving sick, when I think about how I’ve let my own attitude get out of control, my own righteous indignation, much of it misdirected, while at the same time calling her out on hers. I want to tell her, “I hate you”, but I dont’ want to say it because certain bells can’t be “un-rung”, if you know what I mean. She isn’t afraid to say it…and then it hurts more and I resent her more. We’re talking divorce now…we’ve talked it before but this time it seems more serious. She caught me staring at another woman…I was distracted and it was subconscious…I didn’t even think about it. But I should have stopped myself, and I can’t say that part of me didn’t WANT to hurt her feelings, if it wasn’t a subconscious “lash-out” to get her attention, because nothing else had worked. Acting out. Pathetic, really.

    So we talked this morning…I told her about a lot of these feelings…she says, “Is it FAIR to blame that on me when…” and honestly I told her it ISN’T fair, and that I’m NOT saying she deserves it…but I’m angry nonetheless. It felt good to be honest about it, honestly…instead of burying it deep down and letting it fester, and to CONFESS that I have these feelings, a lot of which are my own doing.

    How the hell do I forgive someone for perceived sleights when I am just as guilty, if not moreso?? How do I let go of it? I can’t let go of the past, or all of the feelings that I’m not the person I should be, and that OTHER people are responsible. In the end, I CHOOSE to back down from most fights, instead of standing up for myself, but then I just resent…deep down…

    I sit trembling, trying to type it all out, trying to understand how broken I am, and if it’s too late…if I have rung those bells after all, if after trying so hard to bury my feelings they’ve managed to destroy me anyway. I feel like I should be able to be bigger even when she is smaller, but all I can do is be even smaller. Like my mother…she always responds to hurt by out-victiming everyone.

    It’s so far from who I WANT to be, even if I have to acknowledge it’s who I AM. I’ve started trying to improve my fitness…more for myself than anything…she thinks it’s more evidence of my “wandering eyes”. And it’s made me look at my mental state, just starting to look up to certain people physically, I also see how they are mentally, and how I would like to be, and how FAR I am from that.

    I don’t know which is worse…resenting my wife, or resenting myself. I want her forgiveness so bad, and that’s what hurts the most…that I may NEVER receive it. That makes me even angrier…so I can’t even apologize sincerely without feeling resentment and wounded pride. And the pain builds on top of pain.

    I don’t know how to break this cycle…the anxiety is killer…I can pray to God/source/whatever, but in the end I find myself utterly incapable of setting all of this down. And every time we talk I find it hard not to get that swell of indignation, of blaming, and of righteous anger…the hardest thing to do is say it’s ALL my fault…I know part of it is her too…but really, that shouldn’t matter…I should be able to forgive HER, and then work on MYSELF without letting that resentment turn back on her.

    I’m just venting since I’ve posted here before…I really need to get it all out. Thanks for listening. I see why people who have these Cluster-B feelings stay like this typically forever…I built up a wall around this part of my emotions, projected this confident, perfect person to try to pretend it didn’t faze me, and all the time this hurt little child is making raw emotional judgments and becoming more and more bitter…even unfairly so. And I can’t figure out how to rescue that child, so I stop hurting other people. I want to BE the change, I want so much to stop being angry, and lead by example, and maybe she can follow ME out for a change instead of me leaning on her for “supply” all the time. I want to be there for her…but I’m not even there for myself, and I’m constantly fighting a battle between this great person I want to be, and this part of me that I’ve sealed away to protect other people from it, that keeps finding ways to hurt those people.

    I have so many sophisticated mental mechanisms to just dull the pain, to avoid feeling it. It sticks with me for a second, then I think, what can I do to move away from it? How can I make this right? This has to be fixable, right? I can get out of this? I can change what’s done, I can un-ring that bell.

    Been trying for years now…never works. I can’t change other people. Still I try to, because I can’t change myself. That’s the hallmark of us narcissistic sociopaths, right? We need to make other people feel for us, because we can’t feel for ourselves? We have to create the people we WANT to be in someone else’s mind, and let them do the mental work of rationalizing us into that person? It’s YOUR problem you feel that way about me, not MINE. Can’t accept being a “bad person”. Can’t accept that someone who loves us might HATE us at the same time. No, that’s their problem, and we hate them for it.

    So SICK of it…literally shivering stomach-churning SICK. But can’t put down the sword. Like Dave Grohl says:

    I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose.
    My heart is under arrest again, but I’ll break loose.
    My head is giving me life or death, but I can’t choose.
    I swear I’ll never give in, I REFUSE.

    Has someone taken your faith? it’s real, the pain you feel.
    Your life, your love, you’d die to heal.
    The hope that starts the broken hearts, your trust, you must confess!

    So I’m confessing. And I’m sorry…typical narc verbosity/grandiosity. But there you go.


      truthlover5 responded:
      February 24, 2019 at 5:30 pm

      I sent you an email wondering if you would rather correspond by email than in the blog, but the email was returned to me. If you do want me to respond by email then you will need to correct your email with this account and then let me know..

      As to your comment, there is actually much good in what you expressed, although that will sound confusing to you.

      Until I hear back from you, I will respond about your anger. What you are describing is a more general human experience. Many, especially those who hold things in (sometimes in trying to be nice or not cause hurt), the unfairness or anger gets buried inside without a means of release.

      The challenge is in learning how to be honest in a loving way, instead of an angry way. Truth can be healing or damaging, depending on how it is presented.

      Once you begin being honest, with compassion and love, you’ll be surprised how the situation tilts toward the positive.

      We can discuss this more, and there is much to address here, but first I want to know your preference for discussion.

      God bless you,


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